Albuquerque: the lead we've been waiting for?

NOWHERE IS SAFE! Least of all Albuquerque, New Mexico. My friend Katie (better known as Mrs. Frosty the Snowman or as her semi-erotic stage name "Crystal the Snowwoman") was burgled there a few months back and I've got shocking new evidence connecting that crime to the rash of burglaries the InvestiGATOR, Nancy Grace, and I have been looking into these past couple of weeks.

Let's make the connection: The crime wave started in Albuquerque, followed by Hollywood, followed by Malden Massachusetts. Notice anything? A. H. M.? H.A.M.! Ham! Ham is involved...but HOW?

I'm in the lab running some tests. I'll be back later with more information.

Tune into Nancy Grace tonight at 8:00 and 10:00 p.m. for up to the minute coverage including an exclusive interview with the InvestiGATOR.

ALSO: During the investigation, in order to preserve impartiality, Toadette has been removed as the weekend host of the Nancy Grace show. She's being replaced with Amy Greenhouse for the time being.

I Spy With My 8 Eyes...

The InvestiGATOR and I have been up all night patrolling the streets and following leads and I'm proud to say that we've made some serious progress towards discovering the cad or cads responsible for the recent rash of burglaries targeting celebrities in the Hollywood/Malden areas.

I know I can trust you so I'm going to let you all in on the current suspects. I have yet to make any arrests so PLEASE do not let these people know that I'm going through their garbage.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SUSPECTS (so far) ARE:

TOADETTE

This rigged bitch has been a thorn in my side for years. Let's face it: She's a criminal. She doesn't have a record, but that's only because she's never been caught. What's her motivation for the crime? I'm glad you asked. Toadette has been trying to "break into" Hollywood for quite some time. In 2006 she starred alongside Michale Ian Black, Michael J. Fox, and Michael Moore in the colossal failure "3 Mikes and a Baby" (She played the FUCKING BABY). The universally hated film, coupled with tales of her on-set tantrums, effectively killed her career. Rumors of wild parties and involvement in human trafficking filled the tabloids for months. Nowadays she hosts the Nancy Grace show on Sunday nights but remains forever jealous of young Hollywood. You can tell by the way she dresses that she's broke. I know from dealing with her that she's lazy. So what better way for her to kill 2 birds with one stone? She has her vengeance on the celebrities she's so obviously jealous of while simultaneously gaining a lot of new things to sell on the street (most likely for drugs).

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Oh, I'm sorry celebrities, did you forget about 9/11? Really? Even after I warned you repeatedly? And now you want MY help? Well lucky for y'all I love America. As you all know, a few months back International Pop Superstar Amy Greenhouse, Gregg, and I went on a hunt for Bin Laden after spotting him in Lynn, Massachusetts (which is not too far from Malden, by the way). As much as it shames me to admit it, he got away. It wasn't too long after he narrowly escaped our clutches that these burglaries began to happen. What do we know about Osama Bin Laden? 1. He hates America. 2. He will do whatever it takes to fuck with us. 3. He's in the United States. Knowing these statements to all be 100% true, can we really rule him out? I think not.

THE HELLIONS

Little known fact: I used to be on this team. No, seriously. Eventually I got frustrated with Emma and hit the road but it was fun while it lasted. It's a good thing I got out when I did, though, cuz shortly afterwards they all got murdered up by a time-traveling psychopath. True story. I know yr wondering how they can rob Laura Williams, Megan Fox, et al. if they're dead. WELL HERE'S THE THING: They were recently resurrected. Of course they were. A lot has changed since they died and they're most likely pissed that there's a new crop of famous faces running around. They wanna know what happened to Claire Danes and Mayim Bialik. I really hope it's them because I'm preeeetty sure I can reason with them. Maybe convince them to give up crime and join the X-Men. I think I might just do that anyway.

THE BLOB-THING FROM CREEPSHOW 2

Oh I really really really hope that this thing isn't a part of the burglaries, but a slime trail found at every one of the crime scenes seems to implicate some involvement. This creature is a highly corrosive toxic sludge that envelopes it's victims (and maybe their property?) and consumes them. Everyone remembers during the 2008 presidential campaign when the gelatinous monstrosity first gained national attention by claiming that the "Liberal Media" had gone out of its way to launch attacks against Sarah Palin. Even after the election it appeared as a frequent commentator on Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor, continuously insisting that "those Hollywood pigs" had rigged the election. Maybe the creature decided to take it's rage to the next level...


Okay so that's what me and GATOR have so far. We will be monitoring all of these losers as we attempt to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned, I have a feeling things are just starting to get interesting...

Villains!

If you watch TMZ then yr already familiar with the heartbreaking story I have for you today. For those of you out of the loop, my good friend Laura who runs Squints Magazine's blog is the most recent victim of a series of burglaries plaguing the Hollywood elite. Other victim's have included Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Megan Fox, and Brian Austin Green. Currently there are four suspects in custody, but evidence suggests that the perpetrator is most likely still at large.

You know that over here at 3B we take crime very seriously. For that reason, I have decided to do what I do best and stop this villain (or villains) before they can strike again. I know better than to go at this alone, so I've taken in a sidekick for this mission. I'd like you all to meet my completely platonic partner in crime solving: The InvestiGATOR

Stay tuned everyone! I'll be updating as new developments...um...develop.

WWLLD?

I had some time off from my 50 jobs this past week and within six minutes I was so bored I was gonna SCREAM. So I started playing a game. I would think up little scenarios from my life like "That time I got cut in line at Dollar Bills" and "That time I outsmarted Cassandra Nova" BUT I'd ask myself "What would Lydia Lunch have done in that situation?"

I know you know me so I know you know that I know Lydia Lunch is NOT the best role model out there. She's the THIRD best role model after Dazzler and Ms. Jalopy Honeyfeathers. UNFORTUNATELY that didn't stop me from spending my entire vacation going through every decision I have ever made and asking "WWLLD?" Well, 168 hours later I can tell you exactly what she'd do because she only has two reactions.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Fly off into a rage.
2. WRITE 19 PAGES OF GRAPHIC SEXVIOLENCE IN ALL CAPS

In some ways I'm sad that I have more than 2 reactions to things, but in other ways I'm in a rage about it...so I guess a little bit of Lydia has rubbed off on me. Next time I have a vacation I'm going to actually try and HAVE those reactions, so consider this my warning/apology as my having a rage disorder might effect how you feel about me.

Twitter Feuds: MALYA OBAMA

Technology is traumatizing and I'll tell you why: Because I got twitter two days ago and am somehow in about 28 feuds with people that I barely know. Let me start with the worst offender of the bunch: Malia Obama. Okay, I thought her name was pronounced "Malya" (I'm still not convinced it isn't) and so I decided to tweet "OoPs, I dIdN nO hEr NmE wUz PrInOuNcD lK thaT lol i ThOt It WuZ MALYA sl!!!1!!"

*A SIDE NOTE: I tweet with crazy letters and on-purpose spelling mistakes because 1. I keep it real. and 2. There's only a limited amount of time in a day and I need to dedicate it to alternating letter size instead of spelling and grammar. Also, "sl" stands for "SCREAM LAUGH". I'm trying to force it to be a thing.

Okay, so I tweeted that. It was like MAYBE my third tweet. And that little so-and-so tweeted: "More like Richard Mul-GAY-hy lol he has NO FRIENDS". Well. As you can imagine my rage level was at or around 56. That's homophobia! And after all I've done for the Obama family! I'm well aware that Malya (that's her name to me now) is probably 7 years old AT MOST and I'm a full grown adult man and YEAH, maybe I SHOULD just let it go. But she really crossed a line there so I took it down to her level and tweeted BACK...this time in all caps because of the rage: U DONT NO ME Y YOU ACT LK U DO! U R POUR N UR FAMILY DUZNT EVN LIV IN A STATE! LOL WASHINGTIN DC IS WACK N SO R U!"

Then I followed that up with: "AT LEAST THE HOLE SOUTH DUZNT HATE MY DAD! U R OBSESD WIT ME CUZ U HAV NO FREINDZ UR A COMUNEST 2"

Her next tweet was so shocking I ALMOST didn't want to repeat it, but I thought that maybe if I did it would help other victims of bullying see that no matter what people say about you, if you think long and hard enough you'll be able to say something more hurtful. This is what that little twit said: "F U rich u r GAY and i am surprised u can even tweet wit ur fat fingerz. U got bad teeth".

Oh. No. She. Didn't.

But yes, she did. So at this point I was a little nervous she might throw a wild party in the apartment below me in order to try and traumatize me into hiding in the closet with a cat, a knife, and a blanket. OH MALYA, don't you know my history? I didn't want things to get outta control so I kept it simple for my last tweet to her this evening: "MALYA U R A LEZBEAN"

Novemba Feeva...no, just kidding.

I hope everyone who took my advice had a nice Halloween. Those of you who didn't...well I hope you had a good time too. I'm wicked nice like that. Greenhouse and I went as Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love who are also werewolves. Clever, right? I executive produced the idea but M. Night Shyamalan directed it. Fans described it as "stimulating".

Octoba Feeva (Day 31)

And now it's Halloween. Did you decide to be something from my list or did you opt to go as something stupid? Listen, it's okay if you don't take my advice, I'll still respect you...just not as much. Whatever you do, don't go as post-nasal drip. I have enough of that in my life at the moment and I'd be kind of offended.

If for some reason you still haven't figured out what to be I've got one final suggestion/demand. Go as hidden camera footage of yr imaginary friend from childhood (or adulthood. I won't judge you) committing a series of burglaries. It'll seem like some pretty damning evidence until you reveal that the burglaries were committed because the Yakuza kidnapped yr imaginary family and forced you into a life of crime in order to free them. After the holiday, present a script to the ScyFy Channel or maybe Lifetime documenting the night and then just sit back and let the money roll in.

Happy Halloween.

Octoba Feeva (Day 30)

Are you disappointed in me for not updating yesterday? You shouldn't be because it was deliberate. The sad reality is that I can't always be there to solve yr problems for you. Sooner or later yr going to have to figure things out on yr own and skipping Octoba Feeva (Day 29) was my way of reminding you that self-sufficiency is the most important costume of all.


With that lesson learned, today's Halloween suggestion/demand is one of special interest to me and so by association it is also important to you: Cryptids. Do you know much about cryptozoology? If you said "No", that's unfortunate. If you said "Yes, of course I do DUH" then congratulations because not only do I love you forever, I ALSO have a few wonderful ideas for Halloween. Pay attention "No" people...you might learn something.

Aaaaaaanybody could go as Bigfoot. So if yr lazy and boring, do it. It's better than a venus flytrap costume or a sexy ethnic stereotype. (By the way: please don't go as an ethnic stereotype. I will find you. I have the resources. And when I do? Yr going right into the sun.) If yr NOT lazy and boring, I have a few other suggestions that better represent the diversity of cryptozoological life:

1. Nandi Bear - Okay, so this thing might actually be a type of hyena or something BUT lets not get too wrapped up in the details. Be a big scary bear-like creature with a bad attitude and if you want extra credit ride a unicycle with an umbrella and a tutu.
2. El Chupacabra - What a terrible little demon this thing is. You could bring a real-life dead goat around town for double the authenticity.
3. The Aliens from Independence Day - I know what yr thinking: "Richie, I love and respect you and would like to deep-mouth french kiss you but those things are not cryptids." To which I respond: "Yr the one who's not a cryptid and there goes yr one big chance to deep-mouth kiss me."
4. Dover Demon - Massachusetts is obviously the best state, but it doesn't have the best mystery creatures. Except for the Dover Demon. This is THE BEST Halloween suggestion/demand if yr a teen from Massachusetts looking to "represent".
5. Mothman - If yr this I will be very scared of you.

Octoba Feeva (Day 28)

Go as a palindrome. "Lisa Bonet ate no basil" is the best one, but get creative!

Octoba Feeva (Day 27)

Well now Halloween is just around the corner and you still haven't figured out what to do? Listen, it's okay. I understand. I'm here to help. Go as Conservative Hydra.

This is an especially great idea if yr going to a costume contest. Yr guaranteed to win! I mean, not like a popular vote or anything, but if there's a judge panel just tell them if they don't let you win it's because they don't support the troops and are socialists and are probably here illegally and blahblah terrorism and TEA PAAAARRRRTTTTYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Conservative Hydra knows that fear is the best motivation around...and now you know it too!

Octoba Feeva (Day 26)

As you all know, I'm extremely concerned that some people may have forgotten about 9/11 despite repeated warnings to "Never Forget". In order to keep the tragedy fresh in everyone's minds, I think you should go as an eagle with a tear next to the twin towers. If that doesn't seem Halloweenish enough for you, throw in a Critter!

Octoba Feeva (Day 25)

I finally figured out what I'm going to be for Halloween, but I'm nervous that one of you will steal my idea if I write it here. You'll find out AFTER Halloween.

Today's suggestion comes with the assumption that you've seen the made-for-tv movie Rose Red. If you haven't seen it, please tell me that you've at least seen The Langoliers. If for some reason you haven't seen that either, please consider the costume I suggested on October 15th, because that's what I think of you.

So here are yr options:

Go as the autistic psychic girl from Rose Red.

OR

Go as the blind girl who dies in The Langoliers.

I would be so proud of you if you could manage to be both.

Octoba Feeva (Day 24)

Oh crap I missed another day. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. How would you feel about being a venus flytrap? No, don't be that unless yr a teen.

I think it would be wise of you to go as a newborn baby flea.

Octoba Feeva (Day 22)

Bake a cake to look like you on yr wedding day. Bring it as yr date to a fascinating Halloween party.

She's doing it right!

Octoba Feeva (Day 21)

The world can be a pretty horrid place. I think that as upright, moral citizens we have a responsibility to work towards social change. One way to do this is to create awareness by dressing up for Halloween as a chart showing the distribution of leprosy in the world.

Octoba Feeva (Day 20)

Today's Halloween suggestion/demand is a bit more challenging, but I think it's still possible to pull it off. What you need to do is somehow con the people over in Hollywood to do a remake of Gorillas in the Mist starring Laura Dern and Amy (not Amy Greenhouse, Amy the gorilla from Congo). Then you can go as Sigourney Weaver from the original and tell people how much better of a movie it was.

Octoba Feeva (Day 19)

Get mauled by a bear. Tell people yr dressed as someone mauled by a lion.

Octoba Feeva (Day 18)

Please do yr best to go as the embodiment of the song "It's a Heartache" by Bonnie Tyler.

Octoba Feeva (Day 17)

Can I just say that I've been so busy helping the masses figure out what they're going to be for Halloween that I've completely neglected to get my own costume together. There's still time. I can do it. BUT IF I DON'T I want you to understand that the blame falls on all of you.


As for today's suggestion, remember that movie "Seven" OH WAIT I mean "Se7en"? Why did they spell it like that? A 7 doesn't look like a V. I don't get it. Anyway, if I remember correctly, the movie is about Jesus coming back from the dead to force-feed people because he thinks they're fat and glue cell phones to disfigured models' hands. And some lady's head winds up in a box for some reason LOOK the movie sucked and the plot isn't important. WHAT IS IMPORTANT is that you and six friends (again, sorry Lonelies! I've got a thing for themes) dress up as "The Se7en Deadly Sins 2099".

Despite what the kooky Catholics would have you believe, people's concepts of what is right and wrong change over time. What was a "deadly sin" in 1995 may not be considered so bad in the distant future of the year 2099. Some things might stay the same, but others will have changed drastically. ESPECIALLY if there's a poop zombie apocalypse or Skrull infiltration. So it's time to put yr thinking caps on because now's yr chance to dress up as the sins of the future. NOTE: Please don't cheat and ask any precognitive friends you might have...that takes all the fun out of it! You know that of course I'll help get you started. Here's my prediction for the Se7en Deadly Sins of 2099:

1. Drag - We all know how...sensitive some conservative Christians are. In 2099, after the gays have taken over, Jesus people will literally LOSE THEIR SHIT. They know that if they speak out against the GLBT community they'll be exiled to "No Fun Island" (where EVERY SINGLE rule from the Bible is enforced, not just the ones they use to discriminate). Since No Fun Island (currently known as Greenland) is the worst place on the planet and only the craziest of the crazies goes to live there, the Christians decide to just cut their losses and only protest drag queens and kings. Yeah, I mean, it's annoying, but we let them do it so they feel like they have religious freedom (they don't). Many "Draggers" (as Drag Queens and Kings are known in 2099) incorporate them into their performance. This is a fun deadly sin because everybody wins!
2. Cold-Dropping - Cold dropping is refusing to drop it like it's hot, which is proven in 2032 to be the only way to communicate directly with God.
3. Racism - Thank Rush Limbaugh that this finally made it to "deadly sin" status in 2011 following his assassination attempt on Michael Steele and subsequent public execution. I don't actually recommend dressing up as "Racism" though. If it's not obvious why....um, then yeah go ahead and do it.
4. Gossip - In 2054 the (Drama!) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs declares war on the United States. For the first six years of the war everyone thought it had to do with global warming, pollution, etc. No. It didn't. She read on Perez Hilton's website that President Greenhouse said she was "fat and tacky"and decided to declare war. Horseshoe crabs aren't much of a threat on their own, but they teamed up with No Fun Island and that made things a bit more complicated. The war was finally settled when the U.S. agreed to add Gossip to its list of deadly sins. Church and state are actually separated in 2099 though...sooo it really makes no difference at all (and she is fat and tacky).
5. Internet Speech - There's no room in the future for lol, btw, brb, and all the other stupid letter combinations that people think is okay nowadays.
6. Sloth - And by "Sloth" I mean "sloths" and by "sloths" I mean it is a deadly sin to not visit them at the zoo and pet them and hug them and give them treats.
7. Cannibalism - Why isn't this a deadly sin now? Too busy with the war on sex, Jesus people? If I have to explain this you are either a poop zombie or a werewolf (or both!!) so please don't hurt me.

That's my list. Conceptual costumes are always great because you can basically wear whatever and people will pretend that they understand it. I'm reeeeaaalllly considering going as "Cold-Dropping".

Octoba Feeva (Day 16)

Oh no I missed a day! I was doing so good, too. It's okay because today's suggestion is extra wonderful: Go as a mysteriously resurrected Genghis Khan attempting to atone for his past misdeeds through charity work and the formation of a new campaign to end world hunger. This idea is extra great because after Halloween is over you'll have a new job as executive director of a fascinating non-profit organization!

Octoba Feeva (Day 14)

Here's an idea for a Halloween costume : Wont someone please go as the pet cat that I don't have but really reeeeaaallly want? He or she will be called Burqini, after the famous beach bitch bimbo attire of the same name. Please don't invade my space in a "sexy cat" costume and try to pass that off as Burqini. My future pet will have class and you should remember that as yr getting ready.

Octoba Feeva (Day 13)

How about going as an alternate reality version of yrself? Here's some known parallel universes that might help you figure out which yr gonna be:

• Earth 9929: A Blade Runner-ish world where maybe yr a replicant? or a blade runner? or a misinformed hooker with a heart of gold and a somewhat serious benzodiazipine addiction? It's up to you!
• Earth 616: This is a good one because obviously this is where yr a superhero. Be careful if yr a mutant, though. The world you've sworn to protect hates and fears you.
• Earth 83922: A world where you're a lawyer with laser-beam eyes trapped on a living island.
• Earth 12: 2 words: No fingernails.
• Earth 31296: A world devastated by a zombie plague. Hopefully yr one of the few survivors because I'd rather not have this terrible virus spread to other dimensions.
• Earth 438: A world where everyone is an android with only one goal: to document the mischief of baby animals (in this dimension there's no such thing as extinction so you get to document EVERY baby animal...except for the bugs, you use them as yr source of energy).
• Earth 5737: A world where people evolved from bees instead of primates.

Octoba Feeva (Day 12)

I think it might be fun to dress up for Halloween as people protesting the societal ills that are often associated with compilation CD's.

Octoba Feeva (Day 11)

Sorry but I gotta be quick, I'm on my way out the door and wont be able to updat again today.

Wear a bunch of studded belts. Tell people you ARE a studded belt.

Octoba Feeva (Day 10)

The best thing about dressing up as Oopspoops the Poop Zombie is when you realize other people don't get it and are probably disgusted.

Oopspoops is a zombie that eats crap instead of flesh. She will tear into yr body to get to yr digestive system in a revolting attempt to eat the poop as it's being formed. Like any other zombie, her bite is infectious and will turn you into a poop zombie as well. She is without a doubt the most horrifying creature I have ever encountered. She started off as dimwitted sex symbol and pop superstar Kelly Spears, but was at some point infected with "DooDooBrown", a top secret virus being developed by the Micronesian military as part of their "Biological Warfare and Dieting" program. No one knows for sure how Spears was infected, but upon transforming into the poop monster she went on a rampage at a concert in London in 2008. 1,233 people were killed or infected before the situation was contained. All the poop zombies were killed, except for Spears, who remains at large (and hungry).

Since Halloween is often about scaring people I think Oopspoops would be the perfect costume. But BEWARE! Because a poop zombie apocalypse is still a very real possibility police and military forces all over the world have direct orders to SHOOT ON SIGHT should they encounter Oopsie.

Octoba Feeva (Day 9)

First of all, before I go into any detail about what to be for Halloween, I need to tell you about a wonderful idea that Amy Greenhouse and I had for a way cool television show (possibly an internet television show) called Prozac News. It focuses on people having picnics and other nice news.

And for today's suggestion: Go as The (Drama!) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs:

Octoba Feeva (Day 8)

It's very fortunate for all of you that I have a good idea every second because if I didn't these Halloween costume demands might start getting a little absurd.

For my next idea you'll need a friend (sorry Lonelies! Maybe you'll be lucky?) This is going to be a dangerous Halloween because it's time for the ultimate battle:

VS.

That's right it's Mileena vs. Cammy in an actual fight to the death. Who will survive? Only you can decide! You will go to jail for a very long time or die, so this is the type of costume scenario where you really get to prove yr dedication to the holiday. Good luck!

Octoba Feeva (Day 7)

Think of someone lonely you know and go as their new best friend.

Octoba Feeva (Day 6)

Here's a good idea for a Halloween costume that's actually 2 Halloween costumes.

Get a long straight black wig and wear some baggy black rags as clothes. BOOM! Yr simultaneously that scary ghost lady from The Grudge and one of the three scary ghost ladies from Jewel's Foolish Games video.

Octoba Feeva (Day 5)

Go as someone who used to get talked about all the time like ten or twenty years ago but is now pretty much ignored. Cultural preservation doesn't happen on its own.

• Monica Lewinsky
• Kato Kaelin
• Christa McAuliffe
• The Oklahoma City Bombing
• the robot from Da Dip video by Freak Nasty
• Sally Jessy Raphael

Octoba Feeva (Day 4)

Halloween is often a sexy holiday. Here's some outside-of-the-box sexy suggestions:

• Sexy Mentally Ill Homeless Vietnam Veteran
• Sexy H1N1
• Sexy Lincoln, Nebraska
• Sexy Aunt Becky from Full House
• Sexy Ghost of Christmas Future
• Sexy Victim of a Hate Crime
• Sexy Jaws (the shark)
• Sexy Jaws (the body part)
• Two Tabs of Sexy Tylenol (or Tylenol PM)
• Sexy Cab Driver in an erotic argument with a Sexy Passenger who doesn't want to pay their fare

Wow! That's a lot of sexy. Yr Welcome.

Octoba Feeva (Day 3)

It's October 3rd already? I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that I've been so busy thinking up wonderful halloween costume demands for all of you that I haven't even had a chance to figure out what I'm going to be. It'll be alright, I know I'll think up something brilliant.

As for all of you, today's suggestion comes from a close enemy of mine from the Mushroom Kingdom by the name of WhoreBitch Toadette. (I added the WhoreBitch part).

In a hatemail letter to me she remarked:

"You need to stop mailing bob-ombs to my house. I am running out of patience and fingers and if this continues I won't be able to host the Nancy Grace show on Sunday night. I'm scared to leave the house. It's been weeks since I rigged Mario Party and only lost by 2 stars. Please leave me alone, I'm begging you."

When I stopped laughing I realized that the greatest of ideas can come from the least likely sources. Having said that, I understand that we live in a country where we're fortunate enough to have the freedom to choose, from a list provided by me, what we want to be for Halloween. So in the spirit of America, here are a few suggestions all inspired by that cheating twerp's letter:

1. Toadette's Missing Fingers. Cute, but dirty and full of sin. Just like Halloween itself!

2. Nancy Grace. LOVE HER.

3. A Mail Bob-Omb addressed to Toadette. Bonus points if you actually blow yourself up at her house.

Octoba Feeva (Day 2)

I've been smashing my brain apart all day in order to thinks of a new Halloween costume demand, and then suddenly, it hit me:

Go as Wednesday Addams going as a Sexy Cybernetic baby Harry Potter.

Duh.

Octoba Feeva (Day 1)

Slush season is just about over but as sad as that makes me at least I can remain thankful that I wasn't swallowed whole by a sea creature either time I went near the ocean. Since surviving certain doom is its own reward, I'm not going to wast any time premiering my next big project: 31 days of Halloween costume demands.

Listen, I'm not going to set myself up for failure so let me just put the disclaimer right on out there: I'm probably going to miss a few days here and there. WHAT? I'm a very busy person and I can't just bring a computer with me everywhere I go. So if by 10/31 it's more like "21 Days of Halloween costume demands" yr all gonna have to just cope...that, or, y'know, come up with yr own ideas.

Now let's get started.

OCTOBER 1, 2009 HALLOWEEN COSTUME DEMAND:

The four Alanis Morissette's from the "Ironic" music video. If you don't know what I'm talking about I'm very sorry, but yr culturally vapid and I have no time for you. For those of you who are enlightened, let me explain.

Option One: One person in 4 different costumes. You can change frequently throughout the night.

Option two: If yr lucky enough to have 4 enlightened friends, you get to each pick an Alanis and come as her. Bonus points if you make a cardboard car to play in!!!!!!

Suspension of Disbelief

What?

No.

Yes, I have to let it linger.

I know it isn't a secret that I LOVE MAGIC 106.7 and anything that can be even remotely linked to it's stopless soft-rock hits. What is LESS known about me is that lately I've been feeling underwhelmed by the world(s) of executive producing, super heroics, advocacy, acting, sainthood, etc. and have been considering going into the world of radio dj-ing. Wondering what my playlist would look like? Hmmmmmm... y'know I'm not going to pretend that I can improve upon perfection, BUT AS MUCH AS I LOVE ROXETTE, I'd only play "It Must Have Been Love" five times a day instead of nine so I could make a little room for some other soft-rock hits. I think for my first show my playlist might look a little something like this:

1. Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise
2. Kristen Hersh - Your Ghost
3. Bruce Springsteen - I'm On Fire
4. Pat Benetar - We Belong
5. The Cranberries - Linger
6. Cocteau Twins - Lorelei
7. T'Pau - Heart and Soul
8. The Velvet Underground - Heroin
9. Rasputina - Oh, Injury
10. Bonnie Tyler - It's a Heartache
11. Jewel - Foolish Games (the REAL version, not the rediculous one. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
12. Lydia Lunch - Mechanical Flattery
13. George Michael - Father Figure
14. Ruth Carr - Come Over
15. Paperboy - Ditty (this one is to lure in the teens. From what I've been told, they loooove rap)
16. K.D. Lang - Constant Craving
17. Babes in Toyland - All By Myself (this counts so fuck you)
18. Sinead O'Connor - Black Boys on Mopeds (ORANGE you glad I didn't say "Nothing Compares 2 U"?)
19. Laurie Anderson - O Superman
20. Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
21. Air Supply - Even The Nights Are Better
22. The Carpenters - Superstar
23. Madonna - Rain
24. Dolly Parton - Light of a Clear Blue Morning

WOW that's a fucking good playlist IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. And it's only my first show! I'm so excited, but before I head into the station I have to admit that my new job as Richard Joseph Bouchehy is twofold: OBVIOUSLY goal #1 is to bring my dear listeners continuous soft rock and to make sure to remember to mention that Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" is going out from Lorna Dane to Alex Summers (in Iraq, DUH) because she loves him, etc. GOAL #2 is to find out WHO THE FUCK DAVID ALLAN BOUCHER REALLY IS. I'm just gonna come right out and say what I know everyone else is thinking: He's probably Mystique. Maybe Apocalypse. There's no reason on earth to believe he is who he claims to be. No homo sapien is that powerful. I'll keep you all updated.

8 Eyed Spy

I thought you might like to take a look at my glamorous new costume:

http://marvel.com/cyos/756503/name/Rich/hero/8%20Eyed%20spy

Joan Cusack Books on Tape

I'm sure everyone must just intuitively know that my favorite sound in the world is Joan Cusack's voice. Now that I'm famous and influential as a super hero/executive producer/Hollywood film actor/television personality/saint/yogurt whistle blower/etc. I have FINALLY convinced Joan to go into the wonderful world of books on tape. The thing is...now that she's agreed, I'm COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED! She's committed to doing six books of my choosing but I'm finding it close to impossible to narrow it down! The only book I've completely settled on is (obviously) Incriminating Evidence by Lydia Lunch. Let's take a look at some other ideas...

Oh, and for the record I'm not asking for yr advice on the matter. The decision is MINE and MINE ALONE. I'm so excited!

ALSO AVAILABLE (not yet, but soon): Joan Cusack Books on Tape CASSINGLES!!!!!!! Because we all know that sometimes all ya need is a chapter. The flip side is Joan reading the same chapter, but with an accent like she's from the deep south!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look who's supporting me now!

That's right people, I'm teaming up with the Stepford Cuckoos in a very special limited series. And to answer what I know is on everyone's mind: No, I won't be dying my hair blonde. Here's proof for all you non-believers:

I'm Pregnant.

Mayyyyybe "pregnant" isn't the best way to describe it. I think "expecting" is a smidgen more appropriate because I'm EXPECTING a new synthetic baby to arrive in the mail at any moment. Her name is Sarah Whitney-Mulcahy and I artificially love her and her hyphenated last name so much that I'm angry about it. Oh look, here she is now:
I'm not sure how well you can read that little paragraph next to her, but yes she is modeled after the artist that made her. She is also premature so be careful around her if you have an imaginary disease.

Now that I've husked away my former worthless life and moved on to a higher plane of existence, I'm anticipating a lot of jealousy and gossip from all the baseline humans like yrselves, and of course I don't blame you, but please lets keep it reasonable people...I don't need DFCF (The Department of Fake Children and Families) all up in my damn business.

Volcano of Love

I'm starting a vh1 dating show and the concept is as follows:

I find about a thousand mentally ill twenty-somethings with sexxxxxxxxxxxxy bodies and bad attitudes.

Now this next part is important because it involves you: AMERICA gets to choose what twenty eight douche bags wind up as contestants through texting and online voting that costs you money. Thanks, by the way, because that money will be used to further my secular gay fascist agenda.

They all go to a house in Malibu or wherever

NO WAIT they all go to a house on top of a live volcano and compete for the love of Amy Greenhouse.

The judges will be: Tyra Banks, Daisy, Heidi Klum, Sister Patterson, New York, Rahne Sinclair, Brett Michaels, Tila Tequilla, Bubbles, Ricky Lake, Ricky Rachman, Richard Mulcahy, Tim Gunn, Nina Garcia, That scary military guy from Celebrity Fat Camp or whatever it was called, and last but not least Lydia Lunch.

At the end of each episode Lydia Lunch brutalizes whoever she wants regardless of who the judges vote out and throws them in the volcano.

And yes, this entire show exists for the sole purpose of seeing Lydia Lunch throw Brett Michaels into a volcano...oh yeah and also to find true love IN A WAY.

ohhhh wait!

I almost forgot about this.

have a nice day.

what about my vagina?

Jake and I are renting the Friday the 13th remake tonight and I'm expecting a lot of "what about my vagina?" moments. Are you familiar with the concept? It's kind of like a bizzaro version of the much more sanitary "Here I am!" moment that pseudo-celebrities get when they make appearances in crap.
Specifically, the "what about my vagina?" moment refers to when a female character in a movie/book/play/comic book/tv show/basically anywhere that starts out soft-spoken, nerdy, and/or fully clothed (usually even including a hat and glasses), suddenly or gradually remembers that they have a vagina and therefor need to get out of control sexxxxxxxxxxy. This need to sex it out is so powerful it can correct their vision (making glasses obsolete) and raise the temperature around them to 90 degrees (resulting in removal of clothing and sweat-soaked t-shirts regardless of whether or not it is actually warm where they are).

In order to keep myself from entering into a rage when these moments occur, I always try and figure out what the writer thinks is going through the woman's mind as she transforms. I think for Friday the 13th it'd go something like this:

you know what? FUCK IT. I'm all full of boobs and vagina and someones trying to kill me so I might as well let it all flop around town for a while. UGH I'm really getting distracted by my glasses and hat and shirt and seriously, having good vision and a warm hat is SLOWING ME DOWN. If I'm gonna survive this I can't be weighed down by all this fucking FABRIC and EYESIGHT. I Know! I'll get soaking wet and then crawl under a car or something but OH NO I wont fit under a car with my hair in a ponytail! I better take that scrunchy out and mess my hair up a little. Maybe the killer will be my boyfriend.

(Then she gets murdered.)

the ocean is trying to kill you

It's 90 degrees today and if I wasn't already occupied I could be a real-life Beach Bitch Bimbo splashing and laughing in the Atlantic Ocean.

No, just kidding.

I can't actually participate in activities that bring me in direct contact with the water of the Atlantic or any other ocean because they are filled with all manner of squid and shark and urchin that can't wait to destroy me every second. Lakes and ponds are okay because the only dangerous thing I can think of in a lake or pond in New England is snapping turtles and they don't seem so bad. Pools are nice too, whether above or below ground, inflatable or not.

It really is a shame because waves are nice, the ocean smells great at least half of the time, I'm a Pisces, and salt water is good for yr skin but I'm not into high risk behaviors...not ones that may result in me being eaten alive anyway. Don't get it twisted, I DO go to the beach and have a perfectly good time hunting crabs and getting my ankles wet, but every time I see some MOW-RAWN out swimming in water up to and beyond 4 feet of depth all I can think of is "What a stupid stupid person." because maybe that individual has a family or an important job and they are about to be swallowed whole or otherwise terrified by a sea creature. On at least one occasion I have called 911 because the only reason I can think of why someone would risk a shark attack is because they are suicidal and what they really need is psychiatric medication and a good behavioral therapist.

I find it incredibly sad that nice animals are going extinct every day while sea monsters are ruining my life.

Norway is People Too (the "god hates" edition)

Tomorrow is Independence Day in Norway and even though I have no discernible connection to Norway beyond my milky white complexion, I thought I would help the Norwegian friends that I hope to one day make and borrow money from by enlightening the world to some of the contributions Norway has made. Unlike their bullshit counterpart Sweden, Norway has made the world a better place by having a city in Maine named after it. Also cities in Illinois, South Carolina, New York, a few other states and even some places in Canada. As amazing as that is, its name isn't Norway's ONLY major export. It also has fish and probably some kinds of important minerals that other countries may or may not be interested in. I bet Norway has art and music that some people know and care about as well.

Although Norway's exports are well respected by the global community (except for Ireland) the true majesty of Norway would really have to be its dedication to improving the lives of its citizens. Barely anybody starves in Norway unless it's by choice. Also, most people don't have to worry about being dropped off at some hellhole clinic because they can't afford to treat the disease they got because their government decided that abstinence only education was more useful than the twenty seconds it takes to explain how a condom works. That's pretty good. I'm sure that there's a lot more interesting things about Norway but I'm not gonna spoil it by just telling you. Go read a book about Norway. I'm absolutely sure one exists. Or just go here. Whatever ya want.

Superhero Burnout

I know, I know, I've been missing lately. It's not my fault. I was stuck in the fucking Negative Zone.

Do you know much about interdimensional travel? LET ME JUST SAY that it is time consuming, usually disorienting, and probably the fastest route to superhero burnout in existence (with the possible exception of a clone-related identity crisis).


So yr most likely thinking: "Billions of lives depend on me! How can I keep from burning out?" The thing about superhero burnout is that ya gotta take it as seriously as you would any other threat to justice. Burnout makes you sloppy, uncaring (in an apathy way, not a bad ass vigilante way), and if yr on a team, a major liability. BUT FEAR NOT because as usual I'm here to lend a helping hand so you'll be able to identify the warning signs of superhero burnout and make the changes necessary to ensure yr continued role as protector of whatever it is yr protecting or defender of whatever it is yr defending.

In order to understand superhero burnout, first ya gotta familiarize yrself with some of its most common causes. These may include, but are not limited to:

• having yr secret identity revealed
• finding out yr lover is in cahoots with yr arch-enemy
• being killed
• accidentally killing a civilian while locked in battle
• failing to save an innocent/innocents or worse yet a loved one
• sleep deprivation from late night crime fighting
• medical bills because we're not all tony fucking stark. I'm a goddamn social worker! I don't have savings.
• being kidnapped and replaced with an evil alternate dimension version of yrself/clone/demon/shape-shifter/alien or the rare demonically possessed alternate reality shape-shifting clone of a long dead species of alien. (It happens.)
• time travel to a depressing future
  

Alone any one of these would be cause to question yr lifestyle choices, but even more difficult is when some of these occur simultaneously. Once, I was kidnapped and replaced by a terrible doppelganger who stored me in a future where humans were hunted by hyper-evolved lions (in this future human fingernails and toenails were like ivory only EVEN MORE precious). Of course I managed to escape (duh) but AS SOON I got back I was turned into a horseman of Apocalypse and forced to battle my teammates. Again, of course, I was able to recover but do you have any idea how that affected my mental health? Had I not been so educated about burnout I may have ignored the signs and decided to serve Apocalypse by choice. That would have sucked for humanity because I was wiiicked deadly. FORTUNATELY I know the warning signs...and now you can know them too:

Signs you may be experiencing Superhero Burnout

• not returning from the dead.
• considering becoming evil or actually becoming evil (but not to infiltrate the enemy). It's okay to question yr motives every once in a while. A little self-doubt can keep you goal focused (and reassure you that yr not under anyone's telepathic control) HOWEVER if you get too caught up in that "am i really making a difference?" bullshit yr not going to be of any use to anybody.
• switching superhero names often (Ant Man, Giant Man, Goliath, Yellowjacket, Wasp, etc.)Frequently switching costumes is cool, though. Fashion is kinetic.
• isolating yrself from yr team or sidekick (is there a politically correct term for sidekick? "partner" doesn't feel right and "apprentice" doesn't give the position enough credit.)
• Becoming reckless. When you can lift mountains with yr mind, it's easy to forget that most people are just flesh and bone. Usually protecting the innocent is at least among the top five reasons people become heroes. If it gets to the point where you don't really care who gets hurt then yr no better than the villains yr battling against.

If yr experiencing any of the symptoms listed above you may be experiencing superhero burnout. It's okay, though, because you are not alone and there ARE ways you can battle burnout, including:

• taking a vacation
• brief "retirement" (you'll be back)
• a chance encounter with some nobody (most likely a child or pregnant woman or even a former drug addict) you saved and/or inspired a few years ago
• temporary victory over someone waaay more powerful than you (Galactus, Apocalypse, etc.)
• an inspiring speech by some member of the team you thought had died but it turns out they didn't (or they did and were somehow resurrected)
• A promotion (to team leader, sorcerer supreme, etc.)
• get a new sidekick. the old one should be dead by now (they'll be back and most likely angry at you for moving on at first but eventually they'll realize you had to in order to save more lives )
• get married to a teammate

I hope you all find this at least somewhat helpful. I wish I was able to take my own damn advice because instead of a vacation I'm headed to Limbo to try and win back Illyana's bloodstone. Fuuuuck.

Good Role Models! Yes!

A lot of people listen to "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston and think that line that goes "I believe the children are our future" is some kind of grandiose No Child Left Behind bullshit but I KNOW THE TRUTH. It's a warning.

Almost everyone would agree that it's important for young people (especially tweens) to have good role models. I'm going to take this concept a step further and add that it's important for young people to have good role models that are chosen from this list of "good role models" that I'm providing. Basically, in order for children to redeem themselves and make my opposite-of-rage cup runneth over they really gotta get with the program and start emulating people that I find inspirational, influential, and/or entertaining. Who are kids even into nowadays? The Jonas Brothers? No. That is the epitome of unacceptable. How will those nobodies teach the children of today to teach the children of tomorrow to make sure I'm not being sexually assaulted in a nursing home when I'm 94? They can't and they wont. It's okay though, because I've whipped up a list of people that are actually worth looking up to so kids don't grow up to have kids that are criminals and sexually assault elderly versions of people who are in their twenties now.

So here's a list of appropriate role models. Don't worry about faxing it to every elementary, middle, and high school in the United States...I did that this morning. You may or may not notice that the entire list is women (with one notable exception). This is not an accident.

• Dazzler
• Lydia Lunch
• Harriet Winslow (It goes without saying that I'm talking about the REAL Harriet, not that wannabe from the last season)
• Amy Greenhouse
• Scary Spice
• Richard Joseph Mulcahy jr.
• Grace Jones
• Courtney Love
• She-Ra
• Princess Daisy
• She-Hulk (bonus points because she's a super hero AND a lawyer)
• Agent 355
• Becky Buckwild
• Dolly Parton (she's good role model for full grown adults as well)
• Opposite Day Ann Coulter (aka bell hooks)
• Marie Curie (periodic table reference! +10 points!)
• Orlan
• Elmyra Duff
• Soo Catwoman
• The Statue of Liberty
• Queen of the Dust Mites

If I have to explain who Jean Grey is YR PART OF THE PROBLEM

Everyone take out yr monthly planners. Good. Now throw them in the garbage because yr gonna need A LOT of free time in the next couple of weeks in order to pick out an appropriate outfit for the riot I'm throwing in Boston because that shitbag city wont recognize March 28th as "Jean Grey Remembrance Day". Those worthless bureaucrats down at city hall rejected my proposal before I even had a chance to make a case for "Grey Day" (as it will be popularly known)! They were like "Sir, blahblah the x-men aren't real blahblah let go of my arm blahblahBLAHBLAH". This is unforgivable. They acted like I was the one being outlandish! Let's reflect on some of the "holidays" these assholes pimp out annually:


Flag Day: This is a joke, right? It's not! Nobody even knows what month this happens in. And also, WHO CELEBRATES THIS? Even if you wanted to, HOW could you? I feel like yr either the type of person who is into flags or yr not and I'm sorry but most people certainly ARE NOT. Some places don't even have flags, and how do you think they feel being forced to maybe notice this day printed on their calendar? I'm sure it's bad.


Columbus Day: NO FUCKING WAY. NOOOOO FUUUCCCKKIIINNGGG WAAAYYY does this awful little murderer get his own day while the fucking PHOENIX goes unrecognized. We should just rename this "USA LOVES RAPE DAY" because GUESS WHAT AMERICA to imply that he "discovered" the Americas implies that at some point they were lost. Look around you. Did Boston suddenly become Atlantis? No, of course not. ALSO celebrating Columbus Day is basically celebrating terrorism because Columbus showing up is like the Native American 9/11.


Labor Day: Women have been giving birth for LITERALLY decades. There's absolutely nothing special or extraordinary about it and an entire day spent celebrating what I'm told is the excruciating and relentless pain of women is flat out MISOGYNY.


Easter: Why would you celebrate a day that ONLY exists to further the Christian Zombie Agenda? Have you seen Dawn of the Dead (the real one OR the remake)? Zombies are bad news and I'm certainly not paying attention to a bunch of cult members that glorify drinking blood/eating flesh and things returning from the grave. This is even grosser than Columbus Day.

Do what you will with the information I've provided...as long as "what you will" means writing yr local Congressperson and explaining that Jean Grey Remembrance Day NEEDS to be an officially sanctioned state holiday or you are going to join me in a riot at Downtown Crossing.


Thank You for yr time.

data is now among my interests

Everyone who counts takes scientists seriously and I WANT IN. I feel like people wouldn't question my outrageous claims if it was common knowledge that I worked in a lab, like "oh, you can trust Richie...he's a scientist, you know." The problem of course is that I went to school for social work and even though I know lots of facts about hedgehogs, magma, multiple realities that occasionally overlap, and even outer space, the stupid little world trivializes my interpretation of these facts because HERE'S THE THING: I don't work in the same system as the "scientists" who use charts and graphs and statistics. To quote Bikini Kill "there's more than one way of knowing". There's only 24 hours in the day and I can't spend my entire life on the scientific method. Also, again because of the only 24 hours in a day thing, I can't spend every minute of forever going to school just so I can prove something that I already know is true. I don't want the education of a scientist, I just want the authority that goes along with it AND OF COURSE I'VE GOT A PLAN.

I know this isn't the most brilliant thing I've ever come up with (that would be the SnugWow) BUT I think in this scenario simplicity will be the key to my victory.

STEP ONE: Find an assistant. It's well known that all important people have assistants and scientists are no exception. I think Amy Greenhouse might be perfect for this. The role of the assistant is basically to nod and validate everything I say. For example, when I claim that lung cancer was invented in 1986 to scare people out of smoking cigarettes, Amy would nod and with a serious look on her face add that the study that proved that was done in Chicago. Also, we will frequently mention that if something is ever to happen to me it is Amy's dream to continue my research.

STEP TWO: Buy a white lab coat and wear it at all times. My assistant should also have one and also wear it at all times.

STEP THREE: Find new and innovative ways to bring up the periodic table of elements in conversation. I'll have to make sure that when it's brought up I include all the contributions I've made to it, like discovering Ephemerium and Fodon. Make sure to always carry around a clipboard and check things off. It would be wise for my assistant to do the same.

STEP FOUR: Over explain everything, no matter how basic. Something like hand washing should take a minimum of twenty minutes to explain. If someone tries to give a quick definition of anything I'll make sure to say something like "Actually..." or "That's a very basic definition. What I think you mean to say is..." and then go on and on and on about whatever. It's worth mentioning that I don't for a second think that I have to actually know what I'm talking about. We all know nobody will be paying attention, so I can basically say anything.

STEP FIVE: Argue with everything. Easy enough.

STEP SIX: Make vague references to research I'm either currently working on or have been involved with in the past. Although most non-jesus people have a lot of respect for scientists, there aren't that many famous ones. It would be SO EASY to take credit for a study that I had nothing to do with OR BETTER YET a study that doesn't even exist. I might claim the plot of that movie "The Fly" is based on a true story and that it involved my renegade first assistant who had no respect for the scientific method.

STEP SEVEN: Pretend to remember what the scientific method is and be overly critical of things that don't follow whatever my concept of it is.


NOW LISTEN UP I don't usually like relying on stereotypes, but I'm going to make an exception because in the end everyone will benefit from my elevated status. For those of you reading this, feel free to join in. Anyone can be a scientist.

Have I mentioned that I'm an American Hero?

With all my asteroid battling and secular gay fascisting somewhere along the line I did the unthinkable: I FORGOT ABOUT 9/11. In a way, we all did.

Now look, I don't have or need a spider-sense but something within me was tingling on Sunday and I KNEW that Osama bin Laden was nearby. I dusted off my size 4X Eagle with a single tear superimposed over a picture of the twin towers t-shirt from Wal-Mart, notified Gregg and Greenhouse that terrorism was happening, and the three of us jumped into the Greenmobile and headed out toward the north shore...an obvious choice for a secret terrorist hideout. We followed an anonymous lead we received through our "Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?" 24-hour tipline to the flea market in Lynn. We talked to a merchant who, as it turned out, had just moments before sold a ski mask and TLC's "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" on cassingle to a man fitting bin Laden's description. We were in the right place at the right time...but then Greenhouse spotted these giant gold earrings and spent half an hour haggling with the merchant. She wound up getting the earrings for a dollar (awesome) but Osama bin Laden must have spotted us because by the time we made it to the outside part of the flea market where they sell designer knock-offs and bootleg DVDs dubbed in German he was nowhere to be found. Having lost the element of surprise, we all agreed that we'd have to act quickly if we were to stop bin Laden before he orchestrated the crashing of other planes into something or someone else. The world trade center was one thing but now bin Laden was threatening Massachusetts, and NO FUCKING WAY was I letting all my secular gay victories go to waste because that guy doesn't like Israel or whatever. We needed a plan...and FAST!

Gregg, Greenhouse, and I all lived in Salem for a while and all at once figured out what Osama bin Laden must be doing on the north shore: He was going to use magic to destroy America. Duh.
This revelation led to an obvious followup question: Where would bin Laden get the magic needed to destroy an entire country? The answer was simple: Salem's Sorcerer Supreme: The guy with the amulet who works at the Burger King in the cafeteria at Salem State College. As usual, it was up to us to save the world, so after checking out the weird knick-knacks at the flea market we rushed into action.

Having lived in Salem, I remembered a park where a decommissioned tank was parked near the power plant. We knew that we'd need it for the final battle and headed to the park to steal it. When we got there there was some awful family playing on it so we waited in the car like creeps until they left. Sneaking up to the tank, we were attacked by a small blue hippopotamus. It tried to eat us but we outsmarted it with choreography and blew it up with the tank. We FINALLY made our way to Burger King in the tank and warned Amulet that bin Laden was on his way. I also ordered a Whopper with cheese. Greenhouse got hers without onions. Gregg doesn't eat meat so he just got some fries. Amulet thanked us for our purchases and warning and then fled to an alternate dimension to lay low for a while.

Although we weren't able to actually capture bin Laden, at least we stopped him from stealing a magical amulet. It was a close call though. And let that be a lesson to all you absentminded and Alzheimer's afflicted people out there: If you forget 9/11, even for a fraction of a second, Osama bin Laden will use magic to destroy America.

It was really no big deal...

Let me just start off with a special message to all the people of Earth: YR WELCOME.

While you were all sleeping, possibly dreaming of a brighter tomorrow, I was busy SAVING THE PLANET from a terrible asteroid. Whether or not the asteroid was purposely thrown at our planet by some unseen evil is still being debated but Nancy Grace seems pretty sure it was part of a "secret invasion" by an alien species most likely obsessed with killing humans so they can use our planet as their new home because they destroyed their own planet with pollution and/or war. I'll admit that as I was using my various superpowers to knock the asteroid off course and save you and everything you hold dear I had a strange feeling...almost as if there was some outside force watching...and waiting...

In other news the War on Yogurt I started recently has gotten me into a bit of legal trouble, but I can assure you I WILL NOT BACK DOWN! In case you don't watch the news, I was arrested in Foodmaster for setting up a fake free sample stand with those Crush Cups and etc. etc. none of the hostages were harmed (physically) so I really don't see what the big deal is. I spent my fucking DAY OFF saving Earth from an asteroid, I think I'm qualified to judge the level of evil in a crushable cup of yogurt.

Yogurt is the Marilyn Manson of the Supermarket Community

It's like yogurt is TRYING to be shocking. FIRST some villain invents those squeezable tubes of yogurt because, y'know eating yogurt was just TOO time consuming and spoons are for old married white couples who don't know how to rollerblade. Oh but now it's 2009 and squirting yogurt down yr throat is just not EXTREME enough. Kids today are all about sexting and ipods and they need a yogurt that they can relate to. That's why the devil teamed up with Danimals to unleash Crush Cups upon us.

Guess what Crush Cups are. Give Up? It's a cup of yogurt that you squeeze. THEN, when the yogurt starts oozing over the top of the cup, you (and it's no accident that they choose such a vulgar word) "slurp" it with your mouth. I am real-life overwhelmed right now because I honestly don't know where to start picking apart the 875,000,000 things wrong with this. If I focus too much on this topic it will kill me, so I'll just try to get my major points across.

Okay, first of all you don't SLURP or DRINK yogurt. You eat it. I know a lot of scientists will want to dispute that statement. They'll start their sentences with "Well technically..." but listen up Dorko, there's two things you gotta consider: 1. There is no excuse for using the word "slurp" outside of the porn industry. 2. Like many Americans, when I eat I usually chew my food into a paste-like substance not dissimilar to yogurt. Just because it's liquid-like by the time it's actually sliding down my throat doesn't mean I drank it. You don't drink hamburgers and you sure as shit don't drink yogurt.

ALSO, although I would NEVER consider consuming any of these radical yogurt offshoots, I do enjoy the occasional yogurt when served the old fashioned way, and wanna know something? You know those tiny ultra thin plastic cups that yogurt has been sold in since forever? An anorexic baby could crush them and "slurp" the overflow, so what is new or innovative about the Crush Cups? IN A WAY all yogurt is sold in crush cups, but most rational people who aren't two years old would respond to the idea of crush-sucking their yogurt with something along the lines of "That's disgusting" or "Why not just use a spoon?"

HEY DANIMALS I have a fucking idea: INJECTABLE YOGURT. YO DAWG Shoot this shit up, it's good for yr bowels. Holla.

The Greenhouse Effect

A Special Sit-Down Interview With Amy Greenhouse

I knew before she entered the door that my interview with Amy Greenhouse would be anything but ordinary. The international pop sensation, just finishing her co-headlining "Sticky&Sweet" world tour with Kelly Spears and promoting her latest Billboard #1 album "World War Me" , is infamous for throwing tantrums during interviews. While promoting her hit 2007 album "Slow Motion Addict", she actually assaulted a reporter from Rolling Stone with a cat because the food they had delivered from a local Indian restaurant was too delicious.



As she entered the room dressed in jeans, chucks, and a smart yellow cardigan, I couldn't help but think that maybe the tabloids had it wrong. Surely this couldn't be the demon described in those other articles. I couldn't understand how the woman sitting across from me with her shy smile and caring eyes could be the same person who hit that Rolling Stone guy in the face with a cat, threw up on Beyonce, interrupted Obama's inauguration by running on stage and screaming "SQUIRT ALERT", and allegedly stole the $175,000 gown she wore while winning 16 Grammy's.



I began the interview by asking Greenhouse what she thought of her "bad girl" image.



"Oh, I don't know why people think that about me. I'm the girl next door, really! I know I've made mistakes in the past, but who hasn't? It's like, yeah, I threw a cat ONCE at ONE GUY and suddenly I have PETA yelling at me and my mom crying on the phone and the paparazzi using grappling hooks to break into my hotel room. What about my feelings? The cat asked to be thrown so I threw it. I wasn't angry. Why would I be?"



I went on to ask if there was any truth behind the rumors that she used a body double for the entire second half of the "Sticky&Sweet" tour. The Sun reported in late December that Greenhouse and Spears were fighting nonstop throughout their North American shows, and stated that Greenhouse walked out after a disastrous show in Dallas. The paper went on to say that due to a contractual obligation, Greenhouse was forced to continue the tour but used a lip-synching body double.



"I've heard the body double stories, and yeah they're true. Kelly and I hate each other, okay? I know the world already knows that so it shouldn't come as a shock. I think we just have different audiences. I try to appeal to the more intellectual crowd, and she just shakes her ass for money. It's vulgar. I couldn't take her disgusting lifestyle anymore so I called my friend Annie Lennox who threw on a wig and finished the tour for me. I don't feel guilty. You have to understand that with Kelly Spears it's not an act...she's like that all the time."

Soon our conversation shifted as Greenhouse discussed her latest album, "World War Me".

"I was never much of an activist, but when I heard about the awful war in Iraq I decided to declare war on war. Millions of people are dying every second in places like Asia. I tried to think of the victims while I wrote and recorded 'World War Me'. On it, I do a cover of my friend Annie's 'Walking on Broken Glass' because I figure that must be what life is like every day for the children in war torn places like Asia. In another song on the album, "Righteous Rebelle" I imagined what it must be like to be a woman and an artist in Iraq, having to keep secret all my hopes and desires"

At this point Greenhouse began to cry. I didn't have any tissue so I offered her a paper towel to dry her eyes. She became belligerent, accusing me of trying to ruin her perfect skin with the "rough edges" of a paper towel. She proceeded to throw a cat at me. She chased me for three blocks threatening to send me killer bees in the mail. Interview Over.