Have I mentioned that I'm an American Hero?

With all my asteroid battling and secular gay fascisting somewhere along the line I did the unthinkable: I FORGOT ABOUT 9/11. In a way, we all did.

Now look, I don't have or need a spider-sense but something within me was tingling on Sunday and I KNEW that Osama bin Laden was nearby. I dusted off my size 4X Eagle with a single tear superimposed over a picture of the twin towers t-shirt from Wal-Mart, notified Gregg and Greenhouse that terrorism was happening, and the three of us jumped into the Greenmobile and headed out toward the north shore...an obvious choice for a secret terrorist hideout. We followed an anonymous lead we received through our "Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?" 24-hour tipline to the flea market in Lynn. We talked to a merchant who, as it turned out, had just moments before sold a ski mask and TLC's "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" on cassingle to a man fitting bin Laden's description. We were in the right place at the right time...but then Greenhouse spotted these giant gold earrings and spent half an hour haggling with the merchant. She wound up getting the earrings for a dollar (awesome) but Osama bin Laden must have spotted us because by the time we made it to the outside part of the flea market where they sell designer knock-offs and bootleg DVDs dubbed in German he was nowhere to be found. Having lost the element of surprise, we all agreed that we'd have to act quickly if we were to stop bin Laden before he orchestrated the crashing of other planes into something or someone else. The world trade center was one thing but now bin Laden was threatening Massachusetts, and NO FUCKING WAY was I letting all my secular gay victories go to waste because that guy doesn't like Israel or whatever. We needed a plan...and FAST!

Gregg, Greenhouse, and I all lived in Salem for a while and all at once figured out what Osama bin Laden must be doing on the north shore: He was going to use magic to destroy America. Duh.
This revelation led to an obvious followup question: Where would bin Laden get the magic needed to destroy an entire country? The answer was simple: Salem's Sorcerer Supreme: The guy with the amulet who works at the Burger King in the cafeteria at Salem State College. As usual, it was up to us to save the world, so after checking out the weird knick-knacks at the flea market we rushed into action.

Having lived in Salem, I remembered a park where a decommissioned tank was parked near the power plant. We knew that we'd need it for the final battle and headed to the park to steal it. When we got there there was some awful family playing on it so we waited in the car like creeps until they left. Sneaking up to the tank, we were attacked by a small blue hippopotamus. It tried to eat us but we outsmarted it with choreography and blew it up with the tank. We FINALLY made our way to Burger King in the tank and warned Amulet that bin Laden was on his way. I also ordered a Whopper with cheese. Greenhouse got hers without onions. Gregg doesn't eat meat so he just got some fries. Amulet thanked us for our purchases and warning and then fled to an alternate dimension to lay low for a while.

Although we weren't able to actually capture bin Laden, at least we stopped him from stealing a magical amulet. It was a close call though. And let that be a lesson to all you absentminded and Alzheimer's afflicted people out there: If you forget 9/11, even for a fraction of a second, Osama bin Laden will use magic to destroy America.