data is now among my interests

Everyone who counts takes scientists seriously and I WANT IN. I feel like people wouldn't question my outrageous claims if it was common knowledge that I worked in a lab, like "oh, you can trust Richie...he's a scientist, you know." The problem of course is that I went to school for social work and even though I know lots of facts about hedgehogs, magma, multiple realities that occasionally overlap, and even outer space, the stupid little world trivializes my interpretation of these facts because HERE'S THE THING: I don't work in the same system as the "scientists" who use charts and graphs and statistics. To quote Bikini Kill "there's more than one way of knowing". There's only 24 hours in the day and I can't spend my entire life on the scientific method. Also, again because of the only 24 hours in a day thing, I can't spend every minute of forever going to school just so I can prove something that I already know is true. I don't want the education of a scientist, I just want the authority that goes along with it AND OF COURSE I'VE GOT A PLAN.

I know this isn't the most brilliant thing I've ever come up with (that would be the SnugWow) BUT I think in this scenario simplicity will be the key to my victory.

STEP ONE: Find an assistant. It's well known that all important people have assistants and scientists are no exception. I think Amy Greenhouse might be perfect for this. The role of the assistant is basically to nod and validate everything I say. For example, when I claim that lung cancer was invented in 1986 to scare people out of smoking cigarettes, Amy would nod and with a serious look on her face add that the study that proved that was done in Chicago. Also, we will frequently mention that if something is ever to happen to me it is Amy's dream to continue my research.

STEP TWO: Buy a white lab coat and wear it at all times. My assistant should also have one and also wear it at all times.

STEP THREE: Find new and innovative ways to bring up the periodic table of elements in conversation. I'll have to make sure that when it's brought up I include all the contributions I've made to it, like discovering Ephemerium and Fodon. Make sure to always carry around a clipboard and check things off. It would be wise for my assistant to do the same.

STEP FOUR: Over explain everything, no matter how basic. Something like hand washing should take a minimum of twenty minutes to explain. If someone tries to give a quick definition of anything I'll make sure to say something like "Actually..." or "That's a very basic definition. What I think you mean to say is..." and then go on and on and on about whatever. It's worth mentioning that I don't for a second think that I have to actually know what I'm talking about. We all know nobody will be paying attention, so I can basically say anything.

STEP FIVE: Argue with everything. Easy enough.

STEP SIX: Make vague references to research I'm either currently working on or have been involved with in the past. Although most non-jesus people have a lot of respect for scientists, there aren't that many famous ones. It would be SO EASY to take credit for a study that I had nothing to do with OR BETTER YET a study that doesn't even exist. I might claim the plot of that movie "The Fly" is based on a true story and that it involved my renegade first assistant who had no respect for the scientific method.

STEP SEVEN: Pretend to remember what the scientific method is and be overly critical of things that don't follow whatever my concept of it is.


NOW LISTEN UP I don't usually like relying on stereotypes, but I'm going to make an exception because in the end everyone will benefit from my elevated status. For those of you reading this, feel free to join in. Anyone can be a scientist.