I'm sure you all remember my Top 50 list of 2009. Well, it is with great pleasure that I share with you the current 50 things I'm into nowadays. THIS TIME I've included links! Excuse the all the wikipedia sources, I'm lazy:
50. Psychometry
49. Post-Cognition
48. MooMooDusa and the Blue Lagoon
47. 2nd, 3rd, and 4th reality
46. The Holocene Extinction
45. Ululation
44. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
43. John Waters
42. Projected Thermography
41. Halloween
40. St. Bernadette
39. Inedia (Breatharianism)
38. iCarly
37. The Talk
36. Mileena (from Mortal Kombat)
35. Ms. Marvel
34. Beach Bitch Bimbo: The Movie (3D)
33. Rosemary's Baby
32. Hyenas
31. Mothra Stewart
30. Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island
29. Lion's Mane Jellyfish
28. Abstract Expressionism
27. Atlas Lion/Nubian Lion/Barbary Lion
26. Husk
25. Godzilla
24. The Roman Ritual (specifically Exorcism)
23. Creature from the Black Lagoon
22. Nandi Bears
21. Black String
20. She-Hulk
19. Dodos
18. Decoupage
17. Psylocke
16. Amy Greenhouse
15. The Walking Dead
14. M.O.D.O.K
13. Patti Smith
12. Sloths
11. Angelina Pivarnick
10. Luigi
9. The Vulture
8. Lydia Lunch
7. Left 4 Dead
6. Cthulhu
5. Irish Elk (Giant Deer)
4. Dazzler
3. Retro-futurism
2. Cosmic Indifference (Cosmicism)
1. Mileena (the cat)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
LAWLESSNESS!
There was a time when ABC Family was the pinnacle of television entertainment. The afternoon line-up included Full House, Step by Step, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and even Family Matters. Well, I am sad to have to be the one to tell you that those days are now behind us, but I want you all to know I didn't allow this to happen without a fight.
It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.
First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.
Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.
And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.
I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.
It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.
First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.
Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.
And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.
I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)