Twitter Feuds: MALYA OBAMA

Technology is traumatizing and I'll tell you why: Because I got twitter two days ago and am somehow in about 28 feuds with people that I barely know. Let me start with the worst offender of the bunch: Malia Obama. Okay, I thought her name was pronounced "Malya" (I'm still not convinced it isn't) and so I decided to tweet "OoPs, I dIdN nO hEr NmE wUz PrInOuNcD lK thaT lol i ThOt It WuZ MALYA sl!!!1!!"

*A SIDE NOTE: I tweet with crazy letters and on-purpose spelling mistakes because 1. I keep it real. and 2. There's only a limited amount of time in a day and I need to dedicate it to alternating letter size instead of spelling and grammar. Also, "sl" stands for "SCREAM LAUGH". I'm trying to force it to be a thing.

Okay, so I tweeted that. It was like MAYBE my third tweet. And that little so-and-so tweeted: "More like Richard Mul-GAY-hy lol he has NO FRIENDS". Well. As you can imagine my rage level was at or around 56. That's homophobia! And after all I've done for the Obama family! I'm well aware that Malya (that's her name to me now) is probably 7 years old AT MOST and I'm a full grown adult man and YEAH, maybe I SHOULD just let it go. But she really crossed a line there so I took it down to her level and tweeted BACK...this time in all caps because of the rage: U DONT NO ME Y YOU ACT LK U DO! U R POUR N UR FAMILY DUZNT EVN LIV IN A STATE! LOL WASHINGTIN DC IS WACK N SO R U!"

Then I followed that up with: "AT LEAST THE HOLE SOUTH DUZNT HATE MY DAD! U R OBSESD WIT ME CUZ U HAV NO FREINDZ UR A COMUNEST 2"

Her next tweet was so shocking I ALMOST didn't want to repeat it, but I thought that maybe if I did it would help other victims of bullying see that no matter what people say about you, if you think long and hard enough you'll be able to say something more hurtful. This is what that little twit said: "F U rich u r GAY and i am surprised u can even tweet wit ur fat fingerz. U got bad teeth".

Oh. No. She. Didn't.

But yes, she did. So at this point I was a little nervous she might throw a wild party in the apartment below me in order to try and traumatize me into hiding in the closet with a cat, a knife, and a blanket. OH MALYA, don't you know my history? I didn't want things to get outta control so I kept it simple for my last tweet to her this evening: "MALYA U R A LEZBEAN"

Novemba Feeva...no, just kidding.

I hope everyone who took my advice had a nice Halloween. Those of you who didn't...well I hope you had a good time too. I'm wicked nice like that. Greenhouse and I went as Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love who are also werewolves. Clever, right? I executive produced the idea but M. Night Shyamalan directed it. Fans described it as "stimulating".