Of course I'm in the mood for a list. Here's the top 50 things I'm into right now. I wonder if I have Asperger syndrome because my interests are pretty limited.
50. quicksand
49. Nandi Bears
48. The commuter rail conductor lady who doesn't make me pay to ride the train
47. Complimenting people on their powerful vaginas
46. the guy from the ShamWow commercials
45. criminally tight pants
44. Tiki Island
43. Jellyfish
42. Extenze for women
41. Ghosts
40. Incriminating Evidence
39. Step by Step
38. Intersectionality
37. The Creature from the Black Lagoon
36. Mario Party 8 (even though it's still rigged)
35. Kelly Spears' new album "Choose Your Orifice"
34. Amy Greenhouse's new album "World War Me"
33. Birds that don't fly
32. Birdo
31. watching Julia play Resident Evil 4 because it scares me too much
30. a million cups of coffee a day
29. Friday the 13th remake
28. saving the world (especially the women) from Galactus
27. people and animals that are dead inside
26. stickers
25. blogging for apples
24. She-Hulk
23. the walking dead
22. The Salteens
21. Cigarettes
20. fascinating undergarments
19. sexy butt-hugging burquas
18. Carina Round
17. Myrtle Urkel
16. my new(ish) phone
15. That Amy Greenhouse wannabe on Rock of Love Bus
14. Smash Brothers (still)
13. Wednesday (because it's comic book new release day)
12. Squid/Octopodes
11. Nancy Grace
10. The square that lets me enslave my guardian angel
9. I Love Money 2
8. Superhero Fashion
7. Cthulhu
6. Luigi (duh)
5. the ick
4. Lydia Lunch
3. Google Reader
2. Dazzler
1. My Secular Gay Fascist Agenda
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
There's a Square for that.
Thanks a fucking ton to a supermarket tabloid called "The Sun" for ruining my entire existence and shattering my perception of all that is. In a way it's not really the Sun's fault. It was an ad inside the Sun that really murdered me.
OH I'M SORRY, have you not heard about the power of the SQUARES?
Don't feel bad, neither had I. Now look, one day I will be a master of all technology and learn how to use the scanner we have at work so I can actually prove to you that this is a real thing, but for the time being yr just going to have to bear with me and believe that I am NOT making this up.
The squares, according to the ad, are...actually it never really explains completely what the squares are. I mean they're squares...they have divine powers of some sort that apparently don't conflict with ANY religious denominations...I assume they're pretty small because yr supposed to carry them around with you in order for them to have the desired effect.
And lets talk a bit about what the squares can do. Do you have arthritis? diabetes? Just carry a square around. They'll go away. There's a square to help you climb a mountain and a square to help you lose weight. You'd think that'd be enough, but wait...there's more.
There's a square to make you rich (of course), there's a square to make someone fall in love with you (kinda rape-ish), there's even a square to make you invisible (awesome). BUT BEWARE! Not all squares are good. There are sinister squares you can use to cause others harm as well, like the square that gives a curse and the square that makes two women turn against each other.
Then there are my favorite squares. The one that makes yr guardian angel appear before you AND THE ONE THAT FORCES YR GUARDIAN ANGEL TO DO YR BIDDING. That's right people, the squares allow you to enslave angels, and not a single known religion can do shit about it.
All the details aren't in yet but my birthday is February 28th and I promise to spare you the wrath of my enslaved guardian angel if you buy me these fucking fucking fucking squares.
There are around 140 squares total, and I gotta catch 'em all. I have a theory that combining different squares will have even more powerful results. Like if I combine the diabetes cure square with the invisibility square I'll be able to make diabetes completely disappear. I hate to think what would happen if the squares fell into the wrong hands, but there's probably a square to turn evildoers into a sparrow or something so I'm not too stressed about it.
OH I'M SORRY, have you not heard about the power of the SQUARES?
Don't feel bad, neither had I. Now look, one day I will be a master of all technology and learn how to use the scanner we have at work so I can actually prove to you that this is a real thing, but for the time being yr just going to have to bear with me and believe that I am NOT making this up.
The squares, according to the ad, are...actually it never really explains completely what the squares are. I mean they're squares...they have divine powers of some sort that apparently don't conflict with ANY religious denominations...I assume they're pretty small because yr supposed to carry them around with you in order for them to have the desired effect.
And lets talk a bit about what the squares can do. Do you have arthritis? diabetes? Just carry a square around. They'll go away. There's a square to help you climb a mountain and a square to help you lose weight. You'd think that'd be enough, but wait...there's more.
There's a square to make you rich (of course), there's a square to make someone fall in love with you (kinda rape-ish), there's even a square to make you invisible (awesome). BUT BEWARE! Not all squares are good. There are sinister squares you can use to cause others harm as well, like the square that gives a curse and the square that makes two women turn against each other.
Then there are my favorite squares. The one that makes yr guardian angel appear before you AND THE ONE THAT FORCES YR GUARDIAN ANGEL TO DO YR BIDDING. That's right people, the squares allow you to enslave angels, and not a single known religion can do shit about it.
All the details aren't in yet but my birthday is February 28th and I promise to spare you the wrath of my enslaved guardian angel if you buy me these fucking fucking fucking squares.
There are around 140 squares total, and I gotta catch 'em all. I have a theory that combining different squares will have even more powerful results. Like if I combine the diabetes cure square with the invisibility square I'll be able to make diabetes completely disappear. I hate to think what would happen if the squares fell into the wrong hands, but there's probably a square to turn evildoers into a sparrow or something so I'm not too stressed about it.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Angry Text
I'm so goddamn full of good ideas it makes me angry, which is exactly why my latest good idea needs to be forced into existence as soon as possible.
Okay, here it is:
I don't pretend to be a technologist or computa wizard or whatever but from what I've been told cell phones and internets have really gotten popular in recent years. This is in no small part due to the year 2000 happening (as we all know that was the point at which the present officially became the future) and now that we're about a decade into things I'm guessing that cellular telephones and internets are probably here to stay and it's about time that somebody (me) figured out that these items can be used to make money.
Among the many marvels of the present-tense future we live in is text messaging (called "texting") which many people use to send written messages to each other. My great idea of the day is start a business where for $4.99 a text people get to send us angry messages which we then forward to the appropriate party.
Here's an example torn from the pages of real life: Just say yr watching Sesame Street and you notice that Big Bird is being a complete dickhead asshole to Prairie Dawn for no reason and you watch the ENTIRE EPISODE waiting for it to be confronted and it's not. What kind of message is that sending to kids? If my service existed, you could send yr outrage in text form to us and we'd forward it to PBS who would realize they were fucking idiots for showing an episode that promotes bullying and of course they'd pull it from the air immediately, thereby preventing a potential repeat of Columbine perpetrated by the victims of individuals who learned that bullying was okay from watching Big Bird. Doomsday Averted. Ta-da! And all thanks to me and my wonderful idea.
It should be noted that we can't get involved in personal matters because sending an angry text to, for example, yr loser exboyfriend, would still be a violation of a restraining order and we don't have time to deal with all that legal blahblahblah.
Okay, here it is:
I don't pretend to be a technologist or computa wizard or whatever but from what I've been told cell phones and internets have really gotten popular in recent years. This is in no small part due to the year 2000 happening (as we all know that was the point at which the present officially became the future) and now that we're about a decade into things I'm guessing that cellular telephones and internets are probably here to stay and it's about time that somebody (me) figured out that these items can be used to make money.
Among the many marvels of the present-tense future we live in is text messaging (called "texting") which many people use to send written messages to each other. My great idea of the day is start a business where for $4.99 a text people get to send us angry messages which we then forward to the appropriate party.
Here's an example torn from the pages of real life: Just say yr watching Sesame Street and you notice that Big Bird is being a complete dickhead asshole to Prairie Dawn for no reason and you watch the ENTIRE EPISODE waiting for it to be confronted and it's not. What kind of message is that sending to kids? If my service existed, you could send yr outrage in text form to us and we'd forward it to PBS who would realize they were fucking idiots for showing an episode that promotes bullying and of course they'd pull it from the air immediately, thereby preventing a potential repeat of Columbine perpetrated by the victims of individuals who learned that bullying was okay from watching Big Bird. Doomsday Averted. Ta-da! And all thanks to me and my wonderful idea.
It should be noted that we can't get involved in personal matters because sending an angry text to, for example, yr loser exboyfriend, would still be a violation of a restraining order and we don't have time to deal with all that legal blahblahblah.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Red Line Disco
Lately on the red line it's become acceptable to breakdance on a moving train. I've witnessed it three times in the last month and I think that's enough to declare it officially an epidemic. The way it works is as follows: You had a long day at work/school/wherever and yr looking forward to nothing more than having a seat on the train and reading yr Lydia Lunch book or maybe even catching some pokemon if yr feeling brave. SUDDENLY two full grown adult men start jiggling around and doing flips basically on top of you all while blasting weird hip hop beats from 1988. THEN when the whole thing's over, they walk around and ask for money. They are dead serious. Somebody needs to put an end to this.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Architeuthis terrestris
Last night I had a dream that Greenhouse and I were in the supermarket and we walked by the lobster tank, but inside it weren't lobsters, but hundreds of tiny squid. Could this be the call of Cthulhu? I sure as hell hope not. I love him and all, but that guy's a creep.
Tonight I'm probably going to Lowell with Greenhouse. We will be avoiding all supermarkets. I'm bringing my sunglasses in case, y'know, I have to be in public in a "condition". I'm not going into any more detail than that.
I have done NOTHING to promote my SGFA this week. I think my drug addict superhero costume is going to be inspired by a bumblebee (with a special kind of glee). I think a squid would be more appropriate, but that'll take forever, and above all else I am a lazy slag.
Tonight I'm probably going to Lowell with Greenhouse. We will be avoiding all supermarkets. I'm bringing my sunglasses in case, y'know, I have to be in public in a "condition". I'm not going into any more detail than that.
I have done NOTHING to promote my SGFA this week. I think my drug addict superhero costume is going to be inspired by a bumblebee (with a special kind of glee). I think a squid would be more appropriate, but that'll take forever, and above all else I am a lazy slag.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
entertainmentttttt
My coffee is cold and five hours old but I'm still drinking it. Let me talk a little bit about things involving entertainment.
First of all, I know I'm not alone when I say that Tila Tequila is a horrible troll, but I've decided to hop onboard the remake wagon, and I think she'd be PERFECT for my upcoming project. It's a sexy remake of Willow with Tila in the starring role. Like a lot of people directing remakes, I can't remember every little detail from the movie or really even every major character, but I DO remember that Willow was short and had a magic wand and there's a part where everyone gets turned into pigs, so it's no surprise why my mind wandered towards Ms.Tequila. Ideally the evil witch lady could be played by Sigourney Weaver, but I know she can be kinda picky about what roles she takes so I am ready and willing to settle for Becky Buckwild. And the good witch-ish lady HAS to be played by Joan Cusak (so I can hear her say "Willow...you idddddiiiooottt") or the entire project is cancelled. I know it seems harsh but I'm not backing down. I don't really care who plays anyone else. I don't think anyone else will either.
I'd also like to take a moment to discuss the Rock of Love Charm School Reunion episode. What was up with Megan? I know she was drunk, but she was still acting really crazy. I recently learned that she's getting her own reality show on VH1 called Trophy Wife where rich guys compete to date her or marry her or something. Awesome.
First of all, I know I'm not alone when I say that Tila Tequila is a horrible troll, but I've decided to hop onboard the remake wagon, and I think she'd be PERFECT for my upcoming project. It's a sexy remake of Willow with Tila in the starring role. Like a lot of people directing remakes, I can't remember every little detail from the movie or really even every major character, but I DO remember that Willow was short and had a magic wand and there's a part where everyone gets turned into pigs, so it's no surprise why my mind wandered towards Ms.Tequila. Ideally the evil witch lady could be played by Sigourney Weaver, but I know she can be kinda picky about what roles she takes so I am ready and willing to settle for Becky Buckwild. And the good witch-ish lady HAS to be played by Joan Cusak (so I can hear her say "Willow...you idddddiiiooottt") or the entire project is cancelled. I know it seems harsh but I'm not backing down. I don't really care who plays anyone else. I don't think anyone else will either.
I'd also like to take a moment to discuss the Rock of Love Charm School Reunion episode. What was up with Megan? I know she was drunk, but she was still acting really crazy. I recently learned that she's getting her own reality show on VH1 called Trophy Wife where rich guys compete to date her or marry her or something. Awesome.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
SGF Slag Couture
I have an unrelenting desire to be photographed wearing rediculous clothing. What started out as a sort of jokey plan to dress like a monster and get glamorshots done at the mall has evolved into yet another manifestation of my secular gay fascist agenda. Usually my SGFA (and by the way I just noticed that the acronym for secular gay fascist agenga can easily be anagrammed into FAGS, which is a great subtle way for me to further manipulate you into accepting my depraved lifestyle) focuses on more practical things like sexing men and supporting gay marriage, but I am about to unleash a weapon of mass destruction that will end this culture war once and for all. I call this weapon Slag Couture.
For the record, I have no talent. Zero. In anything. Least of all in the world of clothing design. I DO NOT see this as a problem. I think it gives me perspective. Beat Happening weren't talented musicians and they have billions of fans all over the world. Even in Africa...no, wait...ESPECIALLY in Africa.
The concept of Slag Couture is kind of a superhero drug addict thing. A good mix of tight and colorful, but with a splash of dead inside. And this is where the SGFA trickery comes in, because call it what it is, if Galactus is attempting to drain the life-essence of Earth to "trip out" or whatever the kids are calling it these days, who better to combat him than a team of super heroes who have a deep understanding of the need to abuse substances? And the stupid little world isn't going to care if they're drug addicts or gay fascists or potted plants as long as their horrible lives are saved. The Secular Gay Fascists will be guaranteed heroes and then we can demand all sorts of things from the goverment or whoever else. If being scared of boring terrorists can result in the Patriot Act, I think saving the planet from an intergalactic world-devouring demigod can EASILY overturn DOMA.
Of course the battle with Galactus isn't happening tomorrow. Who knows...it might never happen, but I think it'll be easier to convince the masses that it's a very real threat if there's a group of costumed vigilantes fighting crime and warning them that "yeah, one day he's gonna come out of the sky and threaten yr family." BUT in order to trick people into trusting us and kick-starting this whole plan, the first step is costumes costumes COSTUMES!
And what better inspiration for drug addict superhero costumes than haut couture? But here's the thing, people aren't going to identify with us if we look expensive. That's where the Slag comes in. If we have that kinda DIY homemade look to us, we'll go from stuck up Parisian art junkies to eccentric Bostonian heroin junkies in an instant.
I'm still relatively early in costume development, so expect frequent updates. I need to make sure that the costumes are completed BEFORE I start in on phase II (Operation: Drug Addiction).
For the record, I have no talent. Zero. In anything. Least of all in the world of clothing design. I DO NOT see this as a problem. I think it gives me perspective. Beat Happening weren't talented musicians and they have billions of fans all over the world. Even in Africa...no, wait...ESPECIALLY in Africa.
The concept of Slag Couture is kind of a superhero drug addict thing. A good mix of tight and colorful, but with a splash of dead inside. And this is where the SGFA trickery comes in, because call it what it is, if Galactus is attempting to drain the life-essence of Earth to "trip out" or whatever the kids are calling it these days, who better to combat him than a team of super heroes who have a deep understanding of the need to abuse substances? And the stupid little world isn't going to care if they're drug addicts or gay fascists or potted plants as long as their horrible lives are saved. The Secular Gay Fascists will be guaranteed heroes and then we can demand all sorts of things from the goverment or whoever else. If being scared of boring terrorists can result in the Patriot Act, I think saving the planet from an intergalactic world-devouring demigod can EASILY overturn DOMA.
Of course the battle with Galactus isn't happening tomorrow. Who knows...it might never happen, but I think it'll be easier to convince the masses that it's a very real threat if there's a group of costumed vigilantes fighting crime and warning them that "yeah, one day he's gonna come out of the sky and threaten yr family." BUT in order to trick people into trusting us and kick-starting this whole plan, the first step is costumes costumes COSTUMES!
And what better inspiration for drug addict superhero costumes than haut couture? But here's the thing, people aren't going to identify with us if we look expensive. That's where the Slag comes in. If we have that kinda DIY homemade look to us, we'll go from stuck up Parisian art junkies to eccentric Bostonian heroin junkies in an instant.
I'm still relatively early in costume development, so expect frequent updates. I need to make sure that the costumes are completed BEFORE I start in on phase II (Operation: Drug Addiction).
Friday, January 2, 2009
knick-knacks and stickers
I woke up in a rage this morning because I have quite an impressive knick-knack collection and last week I tricked out my Wii with some stickers and of course I'm all "Fuckin yeah this is so cutting edge it's basically from the future", but there's NO ONE TO ENJOY IT.
I mean, don't get me wrong, people come over, but my room's small and cold and people are distracted by my dazzling conversation skills or Nancy Grace on the television and they never get a chance to look, to REALLY EXAMINE, all the delightful little trinkets I have around my room. It's not even like an "oh well, that's their loss" type of scenario because I know that given the proper time and conditions they'd be scream laughing and excitedly asking "Oh I can't believe how many Luigi action figures you have! Does each one have a story? Tell us all about it PLEASE!!!"
So I need to move out of the basement. I KNOW i'm going to launch myself into poverty, but the world has a right to see my knick-knacks and stickers and that can't happen unil I live in a place with heat that comes out of the walls or a vent instead of an awful little mechanical device that dries out my skin and sockets.
I mean, don't get me wrong, people come over, but my room's small and cold and people are distracted by my dazzling conversation skills or Nancy Grace on the television and they never get a chance to look, to REALLY EXAMINE, all the delightful little trinkets I have around my room. It's not even like an "oh well, that's their loss" type of scenario because I know that given the proper time and conditions they'd be scream laughing and excitedly asking "Oh I can't believe how many Luigi action figures you have! Does each one have a story? Tell us all about it PLEASE!!!"
So I need to move out of the basement. I KNOW i'm going to launch myself into poverty, but the world has a right to see my knick-knacks and stickers and that can't happen unil I live in a place with heat that comes out of the walls or a vent instead of an awful little mechanical device that dries out my skin and sockets.
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