Linney

Have I mentioned on this thing before that I have a deep hatred of Laura Linney? Because here's basically how it works in Hollywood: There is a movie role for a strong-willed woman with a heart of gold who needs to defend some people from something. Jodie Foster says no. Julianne Moore says no. Laura Dern says no. Tea Leone says maybe, but later decides no. So who's left? Oh, right, Laura fucking Linney. She'll do it.

I'm not going to get into why it is that I hate her, but know that there are many many reasons. I may or may not have wiped snot on the jacket she wore in Mothman Prophecies whille at the Cryptozoology Museum, but I can assure you that it was completely justified. What I want to discuss here is not so much Laura as it is her ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY. There's like 28 of them who act and they are almost all horrid. Let's take a look at some of the major offenders:

Stephanie Linney: I'm tempted to like Stephanie because she's the ONLY person out there who might actually hate Laura Linney more than me. For the record, she pronounces her last name like Lin-ay because she doesn't want to live in her sister's shadow. It doesn't work. She mostly gets roles in ScyFy original movies like "GigaShark vs. WaspCopter " and "Mosquito Rampage 3". Quality roles, to be sure.

Laura-Louise Linney: A lot of people don't know this but the movie Rosemary's Baby is based on a true story. It comes as no surprise to me that the Linney family has ties to a satanic cult and it comes as even less of a surprise that they got Laura-Louise Linney to play herself.

Gertrude (Gerty) Linney: The ONLY decent member of the family. She is less involved in satanism than her sister-in-law Laura-Louise but still knows how to harness dark forces to suit her whims. It is RUMORED that she tried to give Laura up for adoption but Laura was 17 at the time so she just kicked her out instead.

Tom Linney: More like Tom Blando.

Linnea Linney: The youngest of the Linney clan. Currently she models and is obviously anorexic. I'm keeping an eye on her, though. If she tries to get into a movie I will have my All-Girl Goon Squad rip her to shreds.

Top 50 is now TOP 100!

Y'know what? 2010 was a really good year. My top 50 list just DID NOT COVER everything. So here's an expanded list. How lucky you are! 

100. Nyarlathotep
99. Destiny (Irene Adler)
98. Cigarettes
97. Taxidermy
96. Shadow Over Innsmouth
95. Devil Worship: The Rise of Satanism
94. Obama vs. Cloverfield
93. Friends Til the End
92. Coelophysis
91. (Drama!) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs
90. Telepathy
89. Purple Warrior and Bronze Beauty
88. Loki
87. Grey Day
86. New Bloods
85. The Linney Family Tree
84. Intangibility
83. St. Agnes
82. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
81. Found
80. Deep-Sea Gigantism
79. Elephant Bird
78. Horse Feathers
77. Galactus
76. Demonology
75. Mystique (Raven Darkholme)
74. Unicow
73. Marnie Stern
72. Cheat Codes
71. Giant Squid
70. Cassandra Nova
69. Them!
68. Joan Cusack's voice
67. The Colour Out of Space
66. The Hellions
65. Automatic Writing
64. Hecate
63. Knick-Knacks
62. Isopods
61. Apophenia
60. Valkyrie
59. William S. Burroughs
58. Tarot
57. Sue P. Fox
56. Birdo
55. No Wave
54. My Paris Hilton Diary
53. Michelle Remembers
52. Secular Gay Fascist Agenda
51. Leslie Hall

A Secular Gay Fascist Xmas

Here we go with the damn war on CHRISTmas. Okay. Where to start, where to start...

I was hanging out with my good friend Television when I happened across a forbidden channel. My reading level is above that of a third grader so I don't generally spend time raging myself out on crap news (hence it being a "forbidden channel") BUT the O'Reilly Factor was on and I needed a good scream laugh so I figured I'd do my own investigation into how stupid assholes get to host tv shows while I'm stuck executive producing. The results were ASTONISHING!

As it turns out, stupid people like stupid things and there are A LOT of stupid people-things out there. O'Whatshisname is just one in a series of excruciatingly ignorant super-villains that work in tandem to destroy intelligence wherever it may reside. Fox News Personalities The Legion of Doom continually assault anything progressive with made up stories about anchor babies and unicorns and other imaginary blahblah AND PEOPLE FALL FOR IT!

Now, we ALL know that I enjoy trickery and deceit but these people are destroying the planet! And also, they're not me so their behavior isn't justified as the musings of a lovable rascal.

So, like I was saying, I had tuned into The Legion Of Doom Channel for a good laugh and WHAT DID I SEE? Some old guy blathering on about how the Secular Gay Fascists have declared war on CHRISTmas.  UM, thanks for joining the party ya MOW-RAWN. I mean how ignorant do you have to be?? How utterly stupid must you truly TRULY be?

We ALL KNOW that OF COURSE there's a war on CHRISTmas. And why shouldn't there be? It's no better than any other holiday, try as it might to convince the stupid little world otherwise. Remember what happened when I proposed making Grey Day a national holiday? I was laughed outta town! Who did I direct my resentment towards? Why, Jesus, of course.

Here's the thing: ALL RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS SHOULD BE VIOLENTLY DESTROYED in the name of secularism. And the KING of all religious holidays in the United States is most certainly broke ass CHRISTmas. But people love to party and getting gifts is a delight so my focus is less on ending what amounts to a birthday party that not everyone is invited to and INSTEAD set my sights on coopting it into my Secular Gay Fascist Agenda priority list of religious things to ruin.

I know yr thinking: "tis the season" or some other trite garbage but HERE'S THE THING: DO NOT USE ORGANIZED RELIGION AS YR MORAL COMPASS because for every "treat others as you blahblah" there's a "don't believe in dinosaurs", "gays are an abomination", and my personal favorite, "blow up an abortion clinic TODAY". God comes with a lot of baggage so ditch that zero and get with a hero (me).

Don't worry about that asshole smiting you. He tries to smite me all the time and what do I do? I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. It fucking drives him CRRRAAZZYYY when you use his own shit against him. Like, how is it that envy is a deadly sin for me but I can't have any other gods before him? Um, insecure much? No, that wont do at all.

I know you know that I know you know that God and I have had a long standing rivalry. This isn't about that. SURE him and Malia Obama wrote "More like Richard MulGAYhy" on my locker and he used his magical powers to rig the Prop 8 shit in California BUT I am perfectly able to separate the personal from the political UNLIKE his inability to accept the separation of church and state. It's a lot of cry-baby nonsense.

Let's call it what it is: God has dependency issues and CHRISTmas just makes it worse. All that praying and nativity scenes and singing. NOT ON MY WATCH MOTHERFUCKER. I'm dropping the hammer on CHRISTmas. From now on people had better stop it with the God stuff and start wishing each other a happy Secular Gay Fascist Day. And please please PLEASE let's work together on this. If we don't take the christ out of Xmas who will?

The Talk

This is bullshit. I want it to go on record that I am being ripped off YET AGAIN by the new television series "The Talk". It's on...well I don't actually know what channel it's on, but you can bet yr life that I'm going to find out and write a very nasty email.

So. Remember how I executive produce The View? No, not THAT View. I don't know what yr talking about.The real one. With Reba, The Lost Skeleton of Selena, Liz Berkley, Nona, Suzanne Somers, and Joan Rivers? Featuring house band X-Ray Spex and on-again/off-again guest host Dolly Parton? What am I saying??? OF COURSE you remember; and really, how could you forget such an eclectic and fascinating group of womyn? I'm sure you'll all also remember how Shannen Doherty got in a HUGE fight with Rebes (possibly/probably instigated by Rivers) and was kicked off the show, temporarily replaced with Reba's pal Dolly Parton and eventually permanently replaced by Suzanne Somers.

Now Shannen wants to be tough like ten yeahz layta and started a copycat show called "The Talk", forcing my entrapment within the rage cage. Let's discuss, shall we?

FIRST OF ALL, we should take a few moments to discuss the cast. Shannen serves as the main host and executive producer, which in and of itself is unforgivable. Then there's the Lost Skeleton of Nancy Spungen, Miss Piggy, C. Spears, Princess Daisy and some other nobody I don't even have the energy to name. This group of so-called "ladies" sit around and argue with each other for an hour every morning. Despicable! FOR THE RECORD: The View is on for two and a half hours seven days a week so the fact that they think they can cram every controversial issue into an hour-long show that's only on FIVE days a week is absurd. Here's an example of the asinine garbage you can look forward to on The Talk:

Shannen Dohrety: Fuck politics let's talk about the new nail polish I stole from Reba's trash can.

Miss Piggy: Wow! I love the color pink!

Daisy: I like yellow!

C. Spears: I don't believe in colors because there's just too many of them. I also don't believe in dinosaurs because the past never really happened. I can't think back that far. Also, do you like my new bra and panties? They're not actually new. I stole these from Reba's trashcan too.

Shannen Doherty: You stole my idea! You cunt! Nancy, Piggy, attack!

(At this point the Lost Skeleton of Nancy Spungen strangulates Spears while Miss Piggy karate chops her in the stomach)

Shannen: Okay, now that that copycat bitch is unconscious, let's get back to talking about nail polish or fingernails or whatever. But first a song by our temporary band: Sex-Day Flecks!

This is the point during the show where their weird-ass band plays. HONESTLY to whom does this garbage appeal? I am so completely over The Talk and I hope that you are too. Let's get together and start a letter writing campaign to get this off the air ASAP. PLEASE!