Linney

Have I mentioned on this thing before that I have a deep hatred of Laura Linney? Because here's basically how it works in Hollywood: There is a movie role for a strong-willed woman with a heart of gold who needs to defend some people from something. Jodie Foster says no. Julianne Moore says no. Laura Dern says no. Tea Leone says maybe, but later decides no. So who's left? Oh, right, Laura fucking Linney. She'll do it.

I'm not going to get into why it is that I hate her, but know that there are many many reasons. I may or may not have wiped snot on the jacket she wore in Mothman Prophecies whille at the Cryptozoology Museum, but I can assure you that it was completely justified. What I want to discuss here is not so much Laura as it is her ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY. There's like 28 of them who act and they are almost all horrid. Let's take a look at some of the major offenders:

Stephanie Linney: I'm tempted to like Stephanie because she's the ONLY person out there who might actually hate Laura Linney more than me. For the record, she pronounces her last name like Lin-ay because she doesn't want to live in her sister's shadow. It doesn't work. She mostly gets roles in ScyFy original movies like "GigaShark vs. WaspCopter " and "Mosquito Rampage 3". Quality roles, to be sure.

Laura-Louise Linney: A lot of people don't know this but the movie Rosemary's Baby is based on a true story. It comes as no surprise to me that the Linney family has ties to a satanic cult and it comes as even less of a surprise that they got Laura-Louise Linney to play herself.

Gertrude (Gerty) Linney: The ONLY decent member of the family. She is less involved in satanism than her sister-in-law Laura-Louise but still knows how to harness dark forces to suit her whims. It is RUMORED that she tried to give Laura up for adoption but Laura was 17 at the time so she just kicked her out instead.

Tom Linney: More like Tom Blando.

Linnea Linney: The youngest of the Linney clan. Currently she models and is obviously anorexic. I'm keeping an eye on her, though. If she tries to get into a movie I will have my All-Girl Goon Squad rip her to shreds.