I was hanging out with my good friend Television when I happened across a forbidden channel. My reading level is above that of a third grader so I don't generally spend time raging myself out on crap news (hence it being a "forbidden channel") BUT the O'Reilly Factor was on and I needed a good scream laugh so I figured I'd do my own investigation into how stupid assholes get to host tv shows while I'm stuck executive producing. The results were ASTONISHING!
As it turns out, stupid people like stupid things and there are A LOT of stupid people-things out there. O'Whatshisname is just one in a series of excruciatingly ignorant super-villains that work in tandem to destroy intelligence wherever it may reside.
Now, we ALL know that I enjoy trickery and deceit but these people are destroying the planet! And also, they're not me so their behavior isn't justified as the musings of a lovable rascal.
So, like I was saying, I had tuned into The Legion Of Doom Channel for a good laugh and WHAT DID I SEE? Some old guy blathering on about how the Secular Gay Fascists have declared war on CHRISTmas. UM, thanks for joining the party ya MOW-RAWN. I mean how ignorant do you have to be?? How utterly stupid must you truly TRULY be?
We ALL KNOW that OF COURSE there's a war on CHRISTmas. And why shouldn't there be? It's no better than any other holiday, try as it might to convince the stupid little world otherwise. Remember what happened when I proposed making Grey Day a national holiday? I was laughed outta town! Who did I direct my resentment towards? Why, Jesus, of course.
Here's the thing: ALL RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS SHOULD BE VIOLENTLY DESTROYED in the name of secularism. And the KING of all religious holidays in the United States is most certainly broke ass CHRISTmas. But people love to party and getting gifts is a delight so my focus is less on ending what amounts to a birthday party that not everyone is invited to and INSTEAD set my sights on coopting it into my Secular Gay Fascist Agenda priority list of religious things to ruin.
I know yr thinking: "tis the season" or some other trite garbage but HERE'S THE THING: DO NOT USE ORGANIZED RELIGION AS YR MORAL COMPASS because for every "treat others as you blahblah" there's a "don't believe in dinosaurs", "gays are an abomination", and my personal favorite, "blow up an abortion clinic TODAY". God comes with a lot of baggage so ditch that zero and get with a hero (me).
Don't worry about that asshole smiting you. He tries to smite me all the time and what do I do? I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. It fucking drives him CRRRAAZZYYY when you use his own shit against him. Like, how is it that envy is a deadly sin for me but I can't have any other gods before him? Um, insecure much? No, that wont do at all.
I know you know that I know you know that God and I have had a long standing rivalry. This isn't about that. SURE him and Malia Obama wrote "More like Richard MulGAYhy" on my locker and he used his magical powers to rig the Prop 8 shit in California BUT I am perfectly able to separate the personal from the political UNLIKE his inability to accept the separation of church and state. It's a lot of cry-baby nonsense.
Let's call it what it is: God has dependency issues and CHRISTmas just makes it worse. All that praying and nativity scenes and singing. NOT ON MY WATCH MOTHERFUCKER. I'm dropping the hammer on CHRISTmas. From now on people had better stop it with the God stuff and start wishing each other a happy Secular Gay Fascist Day. And please please PLEASE let's work together on this. If we don't take the christ out of Xmas who will?
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