LAWLESSNESS!

There was a time when ABC Family was the pinnacle of television entertainment. The afternoon line-up included Full House, Step by Step, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and even Family Matters. Well, I am sad to have to be the one to tell you that those days are now behind us, but I want you all to know I didn't allow this to happen without a fight.

It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.

First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.

Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.

And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.

I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.

RHOAYCEI UPDATE: Everything is Delicious!

Back in March I teased you all with a little blip about the new show in the "Real Housewives" series on Bravo that I am working on. I am delighted to inform you that "The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island" is premiering on Bravo Tuesday, July 20. For those of you who live under rocks/can't afford cable The Real Housewives series films the lives of occasionally rich but always crazy and entitled ladies who live in some specific area. Cameras follow them around 24 hours a day recording them doing and saying things that me and the kind people at Bravo tell them they have to. There's always some kind of intense drama going on with them because they don't have jobs. They drink a lot during the day and wish they were 10 years younger in a sad, truly unfunny way. Wow! So far there have been seasons in Orange County, New York, Atlanta, New Jersey for some reason, and now: All You Can Eat Island!

A geography lesson: All You Can Eat Island is a popular tourist destination located somewhere in the North Pacific. Near Canada, but technically a part of Washington state. As it's name implies, everything on the island is edible. The trees are made out of broccoli, the sand of the beaches is colored sugar, the Houses are gingerbread, and the energy drinks are carbonated water, sucrose, glucose, citric acid, natural flavors, taurine, sodium citrate, panax ginseng root extract, l-carnitine, caffeine, sorbic acid, benzoic acid, niacinamide, sodium chloride, glucuronolactone, inositol, guarana seed extract, pyridoxine hydrochloride, sucralose, riboflavin, maltodextrin, and cyanocobalamin. Everything is Delicious!

Please allow me to introduce you to the cast:

Ophelia Ragmore: BP executive. self-made. addicted to heroin. cheats on her husband with a decorative wall-hanging. has only left All You Can Eat Island twice. both times was hospitalized for eating non-food.

Myrtle Urkel: Southern Belle. rich family.

married to Eddie Winslow. hilarious guest appearances by the Winslows and Steve Urkel. drama after she accidentally drowns Laura W's children in Red Bull Lake.

Greta Ng: she won the lottery and got out of the slum. the other housewives judge her for being "new money". she had no idea that there's even such a thing as fashion, and when she discovers she has a talent for haute couture she leaves the show to compete on Project Runway (crossover alert!)

Sister Bernadette: haters gonna hate but she's a bride of christ so it counts. and have you ever seen the vatican? that guy's fucking loaded. she is the best character on the show. All You Can Eat Island's only Cath-o-lick (get it? no, it's not my best work) church was eaten by a pack of hungry Mormon's shortly after filming.

 

Shriek: a homicidal maniac. teamed up with her husband and killed a bunch of people in New York a few years back. Has been hiding out on AYCE Island ever since. she gets kicked off the show for killing Yig on the first episode. reappears halfway through the season and removes another cast member's arm. who? you'll have to tune in to find out! shocking! and wait til you see the reunion episode! carnage!

 

Yig-Astrid Jinopolous: former child bride until the creep who married her was brought up on formal charges. she wound up with all his money but is killed by Shriek during the first episode. her ghost spends the rest of the season torturing the other cast members, who are willed her creepy house for some reason.

(Drama) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs: this horrible little bimbette bitch bimbo crawls right outta the Iced Tea Sea and immediately starts shit with everyone on the show. her "Skinny Crab-Girl" line of healthy booze is not selling well on an Island where you can eat the sidewalk. this causes her stress which she takes out on her constituents. she stole a large sum of money from Ophelia but can't be arrested due to DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.

So get ready for all the nonstop action thrills and comedy chills you can handle this July on Bravo! The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island: WHY THE FUCK NOT?