The Talk

This is bullshit. I want it to go on record that I am being ripped off YET AGAIN by the new television series "The Talk". It's on...well I don't actually know what channel it's on, but you can bet yr life that I'm going to find out and write a very nasty email.

So. Remember how I executive produce The View? No, not THAT View. I don't know what yr talking about.The real one. With Reba, The Lost Skeleton of Selena, Liz Berkley, Nona, Suzanne Somers, and Joan Rivers? Featuring house band X-Ray Spex and on-again/off-again guest host Dolly Parton? What am I saying??? OF COURSE you remember; and really, how could you forget such an eclectic and fascinating group of womyn? I'm sure you'll all also remember how Shannen Doherty got in a HUGE fight with Rebes (possibly/probably instigated by Rivers) and was kicked off the show, temporarily replaced with Reba's pal Dolly Parton and eventually permanently replaced by Suzanne Somers.

Now Shannen wants to be tough like ten yeahz layta and started a copycat show called "The Talk", forcing my entrapment within the rage cage. Let's discuss, shall we?

FIRST OF ALL, we should take a few moments to discuss the cast. Shannen serves as the main host and executive producer, which in and of itself is unforgivable. Then there's the Lost Skeleton of Nancy Spungen, Miss Piggy, C. Spears, Princess Daisy and some other nobody I don't even have the energy to name. This group of so-called "ladies" sit around and argue with each other for an hour every morning. Despicable! FOR THE RECORD: The View is on for two and a half hours seven days a week so the fact that they think they can cram every controversial issue into an hour-long show that's only on FIVE days a week is absurd. Here's an example of the asinine garbage you can look forward to on The Talk:

Shannen Dohrety: Fuck politics let's talk about the new nail polish I stole from Reba's trash can.

Miss Piggy: Wow! I love the color pink!

Daisy: I like yellow!

C. Spears: I don't believe in colors because there's just too many of them. I also don't believe in dinosaurs because the past never really happened. I can't think back that far. Also, do you like my new bra and panties? They're not actually new. I stole these from Reba's trashcan too.

Shannen Doherty: You stole my idea! You cunt! Nancy, Piggy, attack!

(At this point the Lost Skeleton of Nancy Spungen strangulates Spears while Miss Piggy karate chops her in the stomach)

Shannen: Okay, now that that copycat bitch is unconscious, let's get back to talking about nail polish or fingernails or whatever. But first a song by our temporary band: Sex-Day Flecks!

This is the point during the show where their weird-ass band plays. HONESTLY to whom does this garbage appeal? I am so completely over The Talk and I hope that you are too. Let's get together and start a letter writing campaign to get this off the air ASAP. PLEASE!

WWLLD?

I had some time off from my 50 jobs this past week and within six minutes I was so bored I was gonna SCREAM. So I started playing a game. I would think up little scenarios from my life like "That time I got cut in line at Dollar Bills" and "That time I outsmarted Cassandra Nova" BUT I'd ask myself "What would Lydia Lunch have done in that situation?"

I know you know me so I know you know that I know Lydia Lunch is NOT the best role model out there. She's the THIRD best role model after Dazzler and Ms. Jalopy Honeyfeathers. UNFORTUNATELY that didn't stop me from spending my entire vacation going through every decision I have ever made and asking "WWLLD?" Well, 168 hours later I can tell you exactly what she'd do because she only has two reactions.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Fly off into a rage.
2. WRITE 19 PAGES OF GRAPHIC SEXVIOLENCE IN ALL CAPS

In some ways I'm sad that I have more than 2 reactions to things, but in other ways I'm in a rage about it...so I guess a little bit of Lydia has rubbed off on me. Next time I have a vacation I'm going to actually try and HAVE those reactions, so consider this my warning/apology as my having a rage disorder might effect how you feel about me.

Twitter Feuds: MALYA OBAMA

Technology is traumatizing and I'll tell you why: Because I got twitter two days ago and am somehow in about 28 feuds with people that I barely know. Let me start with the worst offender of the bunch: Malia Obama. Okay, I thought her name was pronounced "Malya" (I'm still not convinced it isn't) and so I decided to tweet "OoPs, I dIdN nO hEr NmE wUz PrInOuNcD lK thaT lol i ThOt It WuZ MALYA sl!!!1!!"

*A SIDE NOTE: I tweet with crazy letters and on-purpose spelling mistakes because 1. I keep it real. and 2. There's only a limited amount of time in a day and I need to dedicate it to alternating letter size instead of spelling and grammar. Also, "sl" stands for "SCREAM LAUGH". I'm trying to force it to be a thing.

Okay, so I tweeted that. It was like MAYBE my third tweet. And that little so-and-so tweeted: "More like Richard Mul-GAY-hy lol he has NO FRIENDS". Well. As you can imagine my rage level was at or around 56. That's homophobia! And after all I've done for the Obama family! I'm well aware that Malya (that's her name to me now) is probably 7 years old AT MOST and I'm a full grown adult man and YEAH, maybe I SHOULD just let it go. But she really crossed a line there so I took it down to her level and tweeted BACK...this time in all caps because of the rage: U DONT NO ME Y YOU ACT LK U DO! U R POUR N UR FAMILY DUZNT EVN LIV IN A STATE! LOL WASHINGTIN DC IS WACK N SO R U!"

Then I followed that up with: "AT LEAST THE HOLE SOUTH DUZNT HATE MY DAD! U R OBSESD WIT ME CUZ U HAV NO FREINDZ UR A COMUNEST 2"

Her next tweet was so shocking I ALMOST didn't want to repeat it, but I thought that maybe if I did it would help other victims of bullying see that no matter what people say about you, if you think long and hard enough you'll be able to say something more hurtful. This is what that little twit said: "F U rich u r GAY and i am surprised u can even tweet wit ur fat fingerz. U got bad teeth".

Oh. No. She. Didn't.

But yes, she did. So at this point I was a little nervous she might throw a wild party in the apartment below me in order to try and traumatize me into hiding in the closet with a cat, a knife, and a blanket. OH MALYA, don't you know my history? I didn't want things to get outta control so I kept it simple for my last tweet to her this evening: "MALYA U R A LEZBEAN"

Volcano of Love

I'm starting a vh1 dating show and the concept is as follows:

I find about a thousand mentally ill twenty-somethings with sexxxxxxxxxxxxy bodies and bad attitudes.

Now this next part is important because it involves you: AMERICA gets to choose what twenty eight douche bags wind up as contestants through texting and online voting that costs you money. Thanks, by the way, because that money will be used to further my secular gay fascist agenda.

They all go to a house in Malibu or wherever

NO WAIT they all go to a house on top of a live volcano and compete for the love of Amy Greenhouse.

The judges will be: Tyra Banks, Daisy, Heidi Klum, Sister Patterson, New York, Rahne Sinclair, Brett Michaels, Tila Tequilla, Bubbles, Ricky Lake, Ricky Rachman, Richard Mulcahy, Tim Gunn, Nina Garcia, That scary military guy from Celebrity Fat Camp or whatever it was called, and last but not least Lydia Lunch.

At the end of each episode Lydia Lunch brutalizes whoever she wants regardless of who the judges vote out and throws them in the volcano.

And yes, this entire show exists for the sole purpose of seeing Lydia Lunch throw Brett Michaels into a volcano...oh yeah and also to find true love IN A WAY.