AND THEN THIS HAPPENED



SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Um, Ke$ha, maybe you weren't born yet or something but EVERYONE KNOWS OopsPoops wore an outfit made out of teeth to the fuckin Tony's back in 2007. Ugh. This girl is going to get hurt (again) if she keeps spouting off at the mouth. DAMN.

Twitter Feuds: Ke$ha and OopsPoops

Oh this is just delightful. Usually the twitter feuds I choose to write about are ones I'm involved in. This time, however, I stumbled across a feud involving two young pop superstars and I quit my job so I could rush home and blog about it.

So here's a little background for the over-thirty crowd: OopsPoops is the current identity of the international pop sensation formerly known as K. Spears. She got famous by wearing a dress made out of fingernails to the VMA's to promote her first album "Put Your Ding-Dong in My Puss-Puss". The album went quadruple platinum. She embarked on her "Vulva Secrets" world tour later that year but during an outrageous live performance on top of the Sphinx (which as you may remember nearly caused World War III when she carved her face into the damn thing) she underwent a transformation. While singing her #1 hit "Panties (Who Needs 'Em?)" she covered herself in feces from every country on the planet. For world peace. Unfortunately the bacteria in the shit had mutated into some kind of horrible super-virus and upon dousing herself in it she became OopsPoops, a horrifying zombie-like creature that feeds on poop. But not just any poop. What she does, and pardon me if any of this seems graphic but you know how science is, is she rips into people's stomachs/intestines in an attempt to get the freshest poops while they're still forming. 282 people died or were infected in the ensuing carnage. Usually eating crap and killing people is enough to end even the most established artist's career, but in a Madonna-like epiphany K.Spears decided that she would reinvent herself. Within two months her first album as Oopsie, "Oops, I Accidentally Tasted It", was released to commercial and critical acclaim. She's consistently put out a #1 album every six months thereafter.

Ke$ha is a bimbo who uses a dollar sign instead of an s, looks dirty all the time, and sings songs about underage drinking. There's really not too much else to say about her. Teens seem to like her, though, and she's managed to gain quite the following since her hit "Tik Tok" dropped last year. Recently at a live performance in Detroit she did a cover of Oopsie's hit "What Else Can I Fit Inside Me?". During the performance she pooped herself. The audience loved it, but when OopsPoops found out the shit hit the fan.

She took to Twitter to vent her frustrations:

OopsPoops: WAY 2 STEEL MY ACT JIGGLES. IMA KILL U!!!1!1!! UR FAT

Ke$ha responded with an attempt to apologize, saying she didn't mean to offend, she just had a big meal before her show and was actually a huge Oopsie fan. It didn't take long for things to heat up after that:

Oops Poops: WTF GRL UR GONNA GET BEAT UP IF I C U

Ke$ha: I tried to be nice but OopsPoops just sent me a rabid bat in the mail. That bitch is so over.

OopsPoops: THATS RITE I SENT U BATS AND NOW IMA SEND U MY FIST IN UR FACE

Ke$ha: Chill out, Poop Monster, its only music.

OopsPoops: NFJKGNDFKGFJKHB <---- THAT WAS MY VAGINA TYPING. IT MEANS "UR DEAD BITCH"

Ke$ha: stop threatening me, ho.

When Oopsie didn't respond Ke$ha smugly assumed that she had won the feud. She was dead wrong. When she headed out the next morning to go buy some heroin OopsPoops jumped out from behind a bush and kidnapped Ke$ha. The police kinda half-heartedly searched for Ke$ha for a couple of hours but she seemed to have simply vanished. The police did try to question OopsPoops but she kept ripping out their insides to feast on fresh feces.

Nine months later, during an unforgettable live performance at the Kids Choice Awards, Oopsie decided to premier her new single "Nasty Dreams". During the finale she bent over and squirted Ke$ha out of her body, declared that she was now a mother, and then the curtain fell.

Twitter Feuds: Goro

I'm in a huff and I want to be very clear that it's for all the right reasons. Before I say anything, just look at this trashbag:

I know, right! THIS is what I'm dealing with.

So I tweeted: "I wish they allowed gay people (besides Sonya) to compete in Mortal Kombat. I know I'd win."

I know a lot of people have issues with the fact that I want to force my depraved lifestyle on the world via school lunches laced with a homo-organic virus that I used government funding to make BUT I'm sure even Ann Coulter would agree that not allowing gay people, like myself, who worked long and hard (scream laugh) perfecting AWESOME fatalities involving intestines is OUTRAGEOUS! And you can fuck directly off with that "don't ask, don't tell" garbage because I'm a tell all kinda guy with very little self control, and while discrimination based on sexual orientation may be allowed in Mortal Kombat, Sindel is living dead proof that discrimination based on mental illness is certainly not okay. Having said that, you can imagine my shock and horror when I looked at my phone and saw the following message sent to me from Goro: "I agree wit malia u r 2 GAY 4 MK!!1!!"


So I took a hot bubble bath with scented candles and listened to some Magic 106.7 to try and calm down but of course that didn't work and within minutes I tub-tweeted "NICE PONYTAIL. MORE LIKE WHORE-O"

I was very proud of myself for the whore-o thing (I debated "snore-o" "bore-o" and "clogged pore-o") and set my phone down, turned Hall and Oates up, and relaxed into the warm bubbles WHEN SUDDENLY my phone beeped. Guess who it was. IT WAS FUCKING GORO.


He wrote: "Im guna kill u..2nite!"


Of course I wasn't even slightly nervous. I tweeted back "Fuck you ugly. You don't even have a fatality." I hit send and got out of the tub, assuming that the feud was over and I won. Well APPARENTLY Goro decided to take that shit to the next level. If you can believe it, that monstrosity did the unthinkable. He used that wicked rigged move from the first Mortal Kombat where he drops outta the ceiling and that motherfucker started jumping on me! I was horrified but fully prepared. I tore off my towel and used it to trip him. Well once he saw me in all my naked glory it seems that he no longer felt quite the same about gay people. One thing led to another annnd let's just say I finished him. flawless victory. in the butt.

And BY THE WAY, no I'm still not allowed to compete in Mortal Kombat! Bullshit.

Twitter Feuds: MALYA OBAMA

Technology is traumatizing and I'll tell you why: Because I got twitter two days ago and am somehow in about 28 feuds with people that I barely know. Let me start with the worst offender of the bunch: Malia Obama. Okay, I thought her name was pronounced "Malya" (I'm still not convinced it isn't) and so I decided to tweet "OoPs, I dIdN nO hEr NmE wUz PrInOuNcD lK thaT lol i ThOt It WuZ MALYA sl!!!1!!"

*A SIDE NOTE: I tweet with crazy letters and on-purpose spelling mistakes because 1. I keep it real. and 2. There's only a limited amount of time in a day and I need to dedicate it to alternating letter size instead of spelling and grammar. Also, "sl" stands for "SCREAM LAUGH". I'm trying to force it to be a thing.

Okay, so I tweeted that. It was like MAYBE my third tweet. And that little so-and-so tweeted: "More like Richard Mul-GAY-hy lol he has NO FRIENDS". Well. As you can imagine my rage level was at or around 56. That's homophobia! And after all I've done for the Obama family! I'm well aware that Malya (that's her name to me now) is probably 7 years old AT MOST and I'm a full grown adult man and YEAH, maybe I SHOULD just let it go. But she really crossed a line there so I took it down to her level and tweeted BACK...this time in all caps because of the rage: U DONT NO ME Y YOU ACT LK U DO! U R POUR N UR FAMILY DUZNT EVN LIV IN A STATE! LOL WASHINGTIN DC IS WACK N SO R U!"

Then I followed that up with: "AT LEAST THE HOLE SOUTH DUZNT HATE MY DAD! U R OBSESD WIT ME CUZ U HAV NO FREINDZ UR A COMUNEST 2"

Her next tweet was so shocking I ALMOST didn't want to repeat it, but I thought that maybe if I did it would help other victims of bullying see that no matter what people say about you, if you think long and hard enough you'll be able to say something more hurtful. This is what that little twit said: "F U rich u r GAY and i am surprised u can even tweet wit ur fat fingerz. U got bad teeth".

Oh. No. She. Didn't.

But yes, she did. So at this point I was a little nervous she might throw a wild party in the apartment below me in order to try and traumatize me into hiding in the closet with a cat, a knife, and a blanket. OH MALYA, don't you know my history? I didn't want things to get outta control so I kept it simple for my last tweet to her this evening: "MALYA U R A LEZBEAN"