LAWLESSNESS!

There was a time when ABC Family was the pinnacle of television entertainment. The afternoon line-up included Full House, Step by Step, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and even Family Matters. Well, I am sad to have to be the one to tell you that those days are now behind us, but I want you all to know I didn't allow this to happen without a fight.

It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.

First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.

Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.

And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.

I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.

terror, trauma, turmoil, and the will to stay alive

Amy Greenhouse and I went to see Rasputina last night. The show was wonderful, of course. Rasputina is without question one of my all-time favorite bands. But the music is not why I'm blogging. I've seen Rasputina a bunch of times, so I pretty much knew what to expect. In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm a judgmental asshole. I'm not completely okay with it. I try to be nice. I have a good amount of control over what comes out of my mouth, but devil-thoughts do sometimes sneak in my head. If you can believe it I'm actually a lot better than I used to be. Having said that, I warned Amy before the show that Rasputina tends to draw the Top Hat Crowd, if you know what I mean.

In all fairness, I used to belong to the Top Hat Crowd. I don't feel like I do any longer...and haven't for over a decade BUT I feel as though I owe my loyal readers full disclosure regarding my former goth lifestyle lest I seem like one of those creepy self-hating gays on television talking about how Jesus saved them so they're not gay anymore but I suspect hormone treatments/genital mutilation/good old fashioned lying. I may not dress the part any longer but goth stuff still has a special place in my heart. It's towards the back, right next to my tentacle fetish. And, for the record, most of the people there probably wouldn't be considered goth anyway. Just weird, dark, and sloppy. There's a difference. Also: is goth even still a thing? It seems like it kind of merged with emo but now I'm feeling old and out of touch so this tangent ENDS HERE.

Back to the show.

So, like I was saying, Amy and I accidentally got there wicked early. I wanted to wait to leave and play Left 4 Dead 2 so we wouldn't have to sit through the opening band (which turned out to be Geena Davis) but Greenhouse forced me out the door (half true) and we scampered over to some place in Somerville. As soon as we got there and realized it was an all-ages show I knew we were in for big time carnage. I don't want to judge all-ages shows, I really don't. But I do. I hate them. Because children are awful. I justify this belief by assuming Lydia Lunch would feel the same way, thereby making it an acceptable opinion.

Before the opening band, which was really just Geena Davis from 1993 or whatever year A League of Their Own came out, started I noticed that luckily Amy and I were not the oldest people in the room. There was a 60 year old man with a t-shirt that said something about morphine staring shamelessly at Amy and I. This staring continued throughout the entire show, leading Amy and I to assume that he was going to inject us with morphine and then human traffic us. I think the only reason it didn't happen is because there were two of us and we looked like we'd fight back. Safety in numbers, etc. although I hope the victims he found were at least willing.

As the clock ticked it became more and more apparent that we were in that teenage wasteland the Who are always going on about. There was a young woman with all these blue ribbon things stuck to her head. Like the kind you buy that has a sticky on the bottom so you can attach it to birthday presents or whatever. She was also wearing a MooMoo in various shades of blue but with some yellow and orange thrown in so your eyes could be killed with German efficiency. On top of the MooMoo she had a corset/waist cincher thing that was black and yellow. Amy and I kept referring to her as MooMooDusa, in part because we're a dynamic mix of dickhead and genius, but also because we felt strongly that she was amazingly gifted in something (probably art or singing...maybe dance) and hoped to high heaven she'd overhear us and take our drag-motherly advice and adopt MooMooDusa as her stage name. MooMooDusa and the Blue Lagoon would be an awesome band name. I'll sell it to you.

So next up we had Purple Warrior. She was dressed head to toe in the most raggedy, hippie-ish shade of purple you can imagine. I don't know enough about fabrics to accurately describe what her clothing was made out of but I'd guess muslin or something similar. Her outfit was divided into two parts: skirt and top. The skirt was just a skirt but the top looked like a random piece of fabric she tossed on as an afterthought. Like "Time to go to Rasputina! Ooops! I'm topless! I'll just staple the scraps from this skirt I just hand sewed directly to my buxom bosom." Purple Warrior was there with her lover, who we called Bronze Beauty because of the Bronze...shirt(?) she was wearing. I don't know how to describe it. It reminded me of a metallic skeleton. Purple Warrior was carrying Bronze Beauty around the place in what I can only assume was some show of Amazonian aggression. I was worried I might be witnessing domestic abuse but they both seemed to be laughing so I didn't refer Bronze Beauty to a hotline.

Next we had a girl who insisted on reading while the opening band (Geena Davis) played. Now, I know it was my intention to show up late and not see the opening band at all, but that's different because it's something I was going to do. AND when we did get to the show at least Amy and I had the respect to listen to them play. Clap and all that. They weren't even that bad. But no. This bitch just sat there reading. To quote the great war hero Stephanie Tanner: How Rude! But then later Amy and I realized she must have been reading the Neverending Story and so she was reading along to everything that was happening around her. It makes sense considering all the Purple Warriors and morphine criminals running around. It would have been much less eye murderish to read about the creatures instead of actually having to see them. Can't blame her for using the resources at her disposal I suppose.

There was also a girl we called L.T.H. It stands for "Literal Top Hat" because she was literally wearing a top hat, just as I predicted. Not much else to say about her except she had a very round and red face.

And then there were the worst people of all. Heteronormative Couple. They thought they were so edgy making out and being in love and blocking our view of Rasputina by sitting directly in front of us. NOT ON MY WATCH. I was really loudly and openly mean to them regarding their PDA. They stopped. I'd like to think I destroyed their relationship. I coughed on them on purpose in order to hopefully infect them with gay. Another Secular Gay Fascist victory!

There were a couple of other monsters...CONVO ME if you want to hear about Crunchy-Orange-Gay, Fingerfoot, and possibly others. It really was a good show. Musically. But, as I said repeatedly to Amy, "I can't process my environment right now." That sums it up

WWLLD?

I had some time off from my 50 jobs this past week and within six minutes I was so bored I was gonna SCREAM. So I started playing a game. I would think up little scenarios from my life like "That time I got cut in line at Dollar Bills" and "That time I outsmarted Cassandra Nova" BUT I'd ask myself "What would Lydia Lunch have done in that situation?"

I know you know me so I know you know that I know Lydia Lunch is NOT the best role model out there. She's the THIRD best role model after Dazzler and Ms. Jalopy Honeyfeathers. UNFORTUNATELY that didn't stop me from spending my entire vacation going through every decision I have ever made and asking "WWLLD?" Well, 168 hours later I can tell you exactly what she'd do because she only has two reactions.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Fly off into a rage.
2. WRITE 19 PAGES OF GRAPHIC SEXVIOLENCE IN ALL CAPS

In some ways I'm sad that I have more than 2 reactions to things, but in other ways I'm in a rage about it...so I guess a little bit of Lydia has rubbed off on me. Next time I have a vacation I'm going to actually try and HAVE those reactions, so consider this my warning/apology as my having a rage disorder might effect how you feel about me.

Volcano of Love

I'm starting a vh1 dating show and the concept is as follows:

I find about a thousand mentally ill twenty-somethings with sexxxxxxxxxxxxy bodies and bad attitudes.

Now this next part is important because it involves you: AMERICA gets to choose what twenty eight douche bags wind up as contestants through texting and online voting that costs you money. Thanks, by the way, because that money will be used to further my secular gay fascist agenda.

They all go to a house in Malibu or wherever

NO WAIT they all go to a house on top of a live volcano and compete for the love of Amy Greenhouse.

The judges will be: Tyra Banks, Daisy, Heidi Klum, Sister Patterson, New York, Rahne Sinclair, Brett Michaels, Tila Tequilla, Bubbles, Ricky Lake, Ricky Rachman, Richard Mulcahy, Tim Gunn, Nina Garcia, That scary military guy from Celebrity Fat Camp or whatever it was called, and last but not least Lydia Lunch.

At the end of each episode Lydia Lunch brutalizes whoever she wants regardless of who the judges vote out and throws them in the volcano.

And yes, this entire show exists for the sole purpose of seeing Lydia Lunch throw Brett Michaels into a volcano...oh yeah and also to find true love IN A WAY.