LAWLESSNESS!

There was a time when ABC Family was the pinnacle of television entertainment. The afternoon line-up included Full House, Step by Step, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and even Family Matters. Well, I am sad to have to be the one to tell you that those days are now behind us, but I want you all to know I didn't allow this to happen without a fight.

It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.

First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.

Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.

And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.

I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.

Joan Cusack Books on Tape

I'm sure everyone must just intuitively know that my favorite sound in the world is Joan Cusack's voice. Now that I'm famous and influential as a super hero/executive producer/Hollywood film actor/television personality/saint/yogurt whistle blower/etc. I have FINALLY convinced Joan to go into the wonderful world of books on tape. The thing is...now that she's agreed, I'm COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED! She's committed to doing six books of my choosing but I'm finding it close to impossible to narrow it down! The only book I've completely settled on is (obviously) Incriminating Evidence by Lydia Lunch. Let's take a look at some other ideas...

Oh, and for the record I'm not asking for yr advice on the matter. The decision is MINE and MINE ALONE. I'm so excited!

ALSO AVAILABLE (not yet, but soon): Joan Cusack Books on Tape CASSINGLES!!!!!!! Because we all know that sometimes all ya need is a chapter. The flip side is Joan reading the same chapter, but with an accent like she's from the deep south!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!