Let me just start off with a special message to all the people of Earth: YR WELCOME.
While you were all sleeping, possibly dreaming of a brighter tomorrow, I was busy SAVING THE PLANET from a terrible asteroid. Whether or not the asteroid was purposely thrown at our planet by some unseen evil is still being debated but Nancy Grace seems pretty sure it was part of a "secret invasion" by an alien species most likely obsessed with killing humans so they can use our planet as their new home because they destroyed their own planet with pollution and/or war. I'll admit that as I was using my various superpowers to knock the asteroid off course and save you and everything you hold dear I had a strange feeling...almost as if there was some outside force watching...and waiting...
In other news the War on Yogurt I started recently has gotten me into a bit of legal trouble, but I can assure you I WILL NOT BACK DOWN! In case you don't watch the news, I was arrested in Foodmaster for setting up a fake free sample stand with those Crush Cups and etc. etc. none of the hostages were harmed (physically) so I really don't see what the big deal is. I spent my fucking DAY OFF saving Earth from an asteroid, I think I'm qualified to judge the level of evil in a crushable cup of yogurt.
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