It's like yogurt is TRYING to be shocking. FIRST some villain invents those squeezable tubes of yogurt because, y'know eating yogurt was just TOO time consuming and spoons are for old married white couples who don't know how to rollerblade. Oh but now it's 2009 and squirting yogurt down yr throat is just not EXTREME enough. Kids today are all about sexting and ipods and they need a yogurt that they can relate to. That's why the devil teamed up with Danimals to unleash Crush Cups upon us.
Guess what Crush Cups are. Give Up? It's a cup of yogurt that you squeeze. THEN, when the yogurt starts oozing over the top of the cup, you (and it's no accident that they choose such a vulgar word) "slurp" it with your mouth. I am real-life overwhelmed right now because I honestly don't know where to start picking apart the 875,000,000 things wrong with this. If I focus too much on this topic it will kill me, so I'll just try to get my major points across.
Okay, first of all you don't SLURP or DRINK yogurt. You eat it. I know a lot of scientists will want to dispute that statement. They'll start their sentences with "Well technically..." but listen up Dorko, there's two things you gotta consider: 1. There is no excuse for using the word "slurp" outside of the porn industry. 2. Like many Americans, when I eat I usually chew my food into a paste-like substance not dissimilar to yogurt. Just because it's liquid-like by the time it's actually sliding down my throat doesn't mean I drank it. You don't drink hamburgers and you sure as shit don't drink yogurt.
ALSO, although I would NEVER consider consuming any of these radical yogurt offshoots, I do enjoy the occasional yogurt when served the old fashioned way, and wanna know something? You know those tiny ultra thin plastic cups that yogurt has been sold in since forever? An anorexic baby could crush them and "slurp" the overflow, so what is new or innovative about the Crush Cups? IN A WAY all yogurt is sold in crush cups, but most rational people who aren't two years old would respond to the idea of crush-sucking their yogurt with something along the lines of "That's disgusting" or "Why not just use a spoon?"
HEY DANIMALS I have a fucking idea: INJECTABLE YOGURT. YO DAWG Shoot this shit up, it's good for yr bowels. Holla.
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I was a few sentences in when I came to the conclusion that this "crush cup" sounded like a normal yogurt, only hidden under the facade of an uncomfortable instruction manual. Dannon is porno.
ReplyDeleteCall it what it is: Dannon is destroying the youth of America. I don't want them to think I am above terrorism. I am not. They will be stopped.
ReplyDelete