More like Osama Bin Dead-en

Did you get upset that I didn't update 3B at all in April? Did you happen to notice that Osama Bin Laden is dead? Did you suspect that I was somehow involved? The answer to all of these questions is YES. Yes, you did. OF COURSE YOU DID!

I apologize for my extended absence but I was deep undercover in Pakistan and updating Beach Bitch Bimbo might have jeopardized my cover. A lot of what happened is still classified but I've given myself permission to share the basics of how it went down.

Basically, I was bored and watching the news eight years ago when people still cared about Osama Bin Laden existing and I noticed that the way the news people spoke about Bin Laden was very similar to the way people might talk about a super-villain. It was all "evil genius blahblahblah" and "sinister intentions" and whatnot. Typical super-villain stuff. Well that got me thinking. One thing we know about super villains is that they often work together. It just makes sense. Why stress out doing all that terrorizing by yourself when there are probably at least four other people out there just as evil as you are? I headed to the craft store, bought myself some wire and duct tape and fabric dye and VIOLA:



The Perfect Disguise!

 I knew that for sure Bin Laden would LOVE to team up with Loki, the Norse god of mischief. Can you blame him? The horns. The green. The trickery. He's got everything a homicidal religious extremist could ever want. With my costume complete, my next step was a bit more daunting: FIND BIN LADEN AND OFFER HIM THE CHANCE TO TEAM UP.

Picture it: Lynn, Massachusetts. March, 2009. Amy, Gregg, and I realized that Osama Bin Laden was nearby. I knew what I had to do, even if it meant deceiving my two allies. While Gregg and Amy were haggling earring prices I slipped into my Loki disguise and found Mr. Bin Laden buying plastic spoons. I introduced myself as Loki and immediately suggested we team up to rid the world of imperialism or capitalism or whatever it is he doesn't like. Just as I had planned he eagerly accepted my offer. To show that I was serious I pointed out Amy and Gregg and warned him that some sly American infidels had discovered his hiding place in Lynn. I suggested he flee to Plymouth (so that when the time was right I could crush him beneath Plymouth Rock) but something got screwed up in the translation and he heard "Pakistan" so that's where he went.

Over the next few months I had Bin Laden divert all Al Qaeda funds to what I promised him was a machine that could control the weather. And earthquakes. I think at one point I claimed it could make an army of dinosaurs with rabies. In actuality it was a strobe light taped to a broken microwave. We planned to set it off at the Lowell Commuter Rail Station on May 1st. We loaded the device onto a helicopter and prepared to make our trek to Lowell when I told Bin Laden that there was one more ingredient needed to make the machine work. Then I shot him a bunch of times and came back home.

AMERICAN HERO FOREVER.

I Spy With My 8 Eyes...

The InvestiGATOR and I have been up all night patrolling the streets and following leads and I'm proud to say that we've made some serious progress towards discovering the cad or cads responsible for the recent rash of burglaries targeting celebrities in the Hollywood/Malden areas.

I know I can trust you so I'm going to let you all in on the current suspects. I have yet to make any arrests so PLEASE do not let these people know that I'm going through their garbage.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SUSPECTS (so far) ARE:

TOADETTE

This rigged bitch has been a thorn in my side for years. Let's face it: She's a criminal. She doesn't have a record, but that's only because she's never been caught. What's her motivation for the crime? I'm glad you asked. Toadette has been trying to "break into" Hollywood for quite some time. In 2006 she starred alongside Michale Ian Black, Michael J. Fox, and Michael Moore in the colossal failure "3 Mikes and a Baby" (She played the FUCKING BABY). The universally hated film, coupled with tales of her on-set tantrums, effectively killed her career. Rumors of wild parties and involvement in human trafficking filled the tabloids for months. Nowadays she hosts the Nancy Grace show on Sunday nights but remains forever jealous of young Hollywood. You can tell by the way she dresses that she's broke. I know from dealing with her that she's lazy. So what better way for her to kill 2 birds with one stone? She has her vengeance on the celebrities she's so obviously jealous of while simultaneously gaining a lot of new things to sell on the street (most likely for drugs).

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Oh, I'm sorry celebrities, did you forget about 9/11? Really? Even after I warned you repeatedly? And now you want MY help? Well lucky for y'all I love America. As you all know, a few months back International Pop Superstar Amy Greenhouse, Gregg, and I went on a hunt for Bin Laden after spotting him in Lynn, Massachusetts (which is not too far from Malden, by the way). As much as it shames me to admit it, he got away. It wasn't too long after he narrowly escaped our clutches that these burglaries began to happen. What do we know about Osama Bin Laden? 1. He hates America. 2. He will do whatever it takes to fuck with us. 3. He's in the United States. Knowing these statements to all be 100% true, can we really rule him out? I think not.

THE HELLIONS

Little known fact: I used to be on this team. No, seriously. Eventually I got frustrated with Emma and hit the road but it was fun while it lasted. It's a good thing I got out when I did, though, cuz shortly afterwards they all got murdered up by a time-traveling psychopath. True story. I know yr wondering how they can rob Laura Williams, Megan Fox, et al. if they're dead. WELL HERE'S THE THING: They were recently resurrected. Of course they were. A lot has changed since they died and they're most likely pissed that there's a new crop of famous faces running around. They wanna know what happened to Claire Danes and Mayim Bialik. I really hope it's them because I'm preeeetty sure I can reason with them. Maybe convince them to give up crime and join the X-Men. I think I might just do that anyway.

THE BLOB-THING FROM CREEPSHOW 2

Oh I really really really hope that this thing isn't a part of the burglaries, but a slime trail found at every one of the crime scenes seems to implicate some involvement. This creature is a highly corrosive toxic sludge that envelopes it's victims (and maybe their property?) and consumes them. Everyone remembers during the 2008 presidential campaign when the gelatinous monstrosity first gained national attention by claiming that the "Liberal Media" had gone out of its way to launch attacks against Sarah Palin. Even after the election it appeared as a frequent commentator on Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor, continuously insisting that "those Hollywood pigs" had rigged the election. Maybe the creature decided to take it's rage to the next level...


Okay so that's what me and GATOR have so far. We will be monitoring all of these losers as we attempt to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned, I have a feeling things are just starting to get interesting...

Have I mentioned that I'm an American Hero?

With all my asteroid battling and secular gay fascisting somewhere along the line I did the unthinkable: I FORGOT ABOUT 9/11. In a way, we all did.

Now look, I don't have or need a spider-sense but something within me was tingling on Sunday and I KNEW that Osama bin Laden was nearby. I dusted off my size 4X Eagle with a single tear superimposed over a picture of the twin towers t-shirt from Wal-Mart, notified Gregg and Greenhouse that terrorism was happening, and the three of us jumped into the Greenmobile and headed out toward the north shore...an obvious choice for a secret terrorist hideout. We followed an anonymous lead we received through our "Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?" 24-hour tipline to the flea market in Lynn. We talked to a merchant who, as it turned out, had just moments before sold a ski mask and TLC's "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" on cassingle to a man fitting bin Laden's description. We were in the right place at the right time...but then Greenhouse spotted these giant gold earrings and spent half an hour haggling with the merchant. She wound up getting the earrings for a dollar (awesome) but Osama bin Laden must have spotted us because by the time we made it to the outside part of the flea market where they sell designer knock-offs and bootleg DVDs dubbed in German he was nowhere to be found. Having lost the element of surprise, we all agreed that we'd have to act quickly if we were to stop bin Laden before he orchestrated the crashing of other planes into something or someone else. The world trade center was one thing but now bin Laden was threatening Massachusetts, and NO FUCKING WAY was I letting all my secular gay victories go to waste because that guy doesn't like Israel or whatever. We needed a plan...and FAST!

Gregg, Greenhouse, and I all lived in Salem for a while and all at once figured out what Osama bin Laden must be doing on the north shore: He was going to use magic to destroy America. Duh.
This revelation led to an obvious followup question: Where would bin Laden get the magic needed to destroy an entire country? The answer was simple: Salem's Sorcerer Supreme: The guy with the amulet who works at the Burger King in the cafeteria at Salem State College. As usual, it was up to us to save the world, so after checking out the weird knick-knacks at the flea market we rushed into action.

Having lived in Salem, I remembered a park where a decommissioned tank was parked near the power plant. We knew that we'd need it for the final battle and headed to the park to steal it. When we got there there was some awful family playing on it so we waited in the car like creeps until they left. Sneaking up to the tank, we were attacked by a small blue hippopotamus. It tried to eat us but we outsmarted it with choreography and blew it up with the tank. We FINALLY made our way to Burger King in the tank and warned Amulet that bin Laden was on his way. I also ordered a Whopper with cheese. Greenhouse got hers without onions. Gregg doesn't eat meat so he just got some fries. Amulet thanked us for our purchases and warning and then fled to an alternate dimension to lay low for a while.

Although we weren't able to actually capture bin Laden, at least we stopped him from stealing a magical amulet. It was a close call though. And let that be a lesson to all you absentminded and Alzheimer's afflicted people out there: If you forget 9/11, even for a fraction of a second, Osama bin Laden will use magic to destroy America.