I know I can trust you so I'm going to let you all in on the current suspects. I have yet to make any arrests so PLEASE do not let these people know that I'm going through their garbage.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SUSPECTS (so far) ARE:
TOADETTEThis rigged bitch has been a thorn in my side for years. Let's face it: She's a criminal. She doesn't have a record, but that's only because she's never been caught. What's her motivation for the crime? I'm glad you asked. Toadette has been trying to "break into" Hollywood for quite some time. In 2006 she starred alongside Michale Ian Black, Michael J. Fox, and Michael Moore in the colossal failure "3 Mikes and a Baby" (She played the FUCKING BABY). The universally hated film, coupled with tales of her on-set tantrums, effectively killed her career. Rumors of wild parties and involvement in human trafficking filled the tabloids for months. Nowadays she hosts the Nancy Grace show on Sunday nights but remains forever jealous of young Hollywood. You can tell by the way she dresses that she's broke. I know from dealing with her that she's lazy. So what better way for her to kill 2 birds with one stone? She has her vengeance on the celebrities she's so obviously jealous of while simultaneously gaining a lot of new things to sell on the street (most likely for drugs).
OSAMA BIN LADENOh, I'm sorry celebrities, did you forget about 9/11? Really? Even after I warned you repeatedly? And now you want MY help? Well lucky for y'all I love America. As you all know, a few months back International Pop Superstar Amy Greenhouse, Gregg, and I went on a hunt for Bin Laden after spotting him in Lynn, Massachusetts (which is not too far from Malden, by the way). As much as it shames me to admit it, he got away. It wasn't too long after he narrowly escaped our clutches that these burglaries began to happen. What do we know about Osama Bin Laden? 1. He hates America. 2. He will do whatever it takes to fuck with us. 3. He's in the United States. Knowing these statements to all be 100% true, can we really rule him out? I think not.
THE HELLIONSLittle known fact: I used to be on this team. No, seriously. Eventually I got frustrated with Emma and hit the road but it was fun while it lasted. It's a good thing I got out when I did, though, cuz shortly afterwards they all got murdered up by a time-traveling psychopath. True story. I know yr wondering how they can rob Laura Williams, Megan Fox, et al. if they're dead. WELL HERE'S THE THING: They were recently resurrected. Of course they were. A lot has changed since they died and they're most likely pissed that there's a new crop of famous faces running around. They wanna know what happened to Claire Danes and Mayim Bialik. I really hope it's them because I'm preeeetty sure I can reason with them. Maybe convince them to give up crime and join the X-Men. I think I might just do that anyway.
THE BLOB-THING FROM CREEPSHOW 2Oh I really really really hope that this thing isn't a part of the burglaries, but a slime trail found at every one of the crime scenes seems to implicate some involvement. This creature is a highly corrosive toxic sludge that envelopes it's victims (and maybe their property?) and consumes them. Everyone remembers during the 2008 presidential campaign when the gelatinous monstrosity first gained national attention by claiming that the "Liberal Media" had gone out of its way to launch attacks against Sarah Palin. Even after the election it appeared as a frequent commentator on Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor, continuously insisting that "those Hollywood pigs" had rigged the election. Maybe the creature decided to take it's rage to the next level...
Okay so that's what me and GATOR have so far. We will be monitoring all of these losers as we attempt to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned, I have a feeling things are just starting to get interesting...
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