Just Checking In

Heavens to Betsy it's been quite a while since I've posted. I apologize, dear readers, from the bottom of my heart. I got a new job and haven't really had the time or consistent internet access to update 3B. I know how hurt you must be but please bear with me because I've got shocking news that is as good as it is potentially insanity-inducing.

My roommate, Amy Greenhouse, got herself a new cat. His name is Dalek and while he's certainly a precious angel-baby sent from Heaven to cure us both of this crushing loneliness we call life I feel compelled to inform you that he is not as precious angel-baby-ish as Mileena. I mean, he's certainly a delight to have around but he's not exactly what I'd label "Calendar Material". I'm hoping that he's willing to learn to play the bass because Fancy Beast is still on hiatus since Puff Puff went to jail.

In other news, how was yr Halloween? Did you dress up? I fucking hope so. I have zero tolerance for people who begrudge me the opportunity to enjoy a good costume. Did you go as something sexy? If yr a woman (or woman-identified) I know there's a lot of pressure to show people various secondary sex characteristics on Halloween. I don't blame you if you caved under the pressure, but I truly hope you at least thought outside of the box (so to speak). Anything can be sexy with the right amount of effort.

No, wait, that's not true at all. I can think of several things that can't/shouldn't be sexy. I'm tempted to put them here in list form but c'mon people, I'm 27 years old. I think at this point in my social development I know better than to list various horrible things that shouldn't be sexy. Use yr own damn imagination. The internet is forever and I've got a career to think about.

Fancy Beast

So wait, yr pets AREN'T in a band? Really? None of them? Oh, that's just awful. I wouldn't know what that's like, though, because in case you haven't heard my kitty is the lead singer of the greatest rock and roll band of all time: FANCY BEAST.

I can't remember if I've ever gone into detail about my cat Mileena's origins. Even if I have it's worth repeating. Basically what happened was there was this angel sent from Heaven to harass gay people or protest abortions or whatever God feels like smiting that week. Unfortunately this angel got slashed across the face with a knife by me and my All-Girl Goon Squad some nameless heretics and from the blood did Mileena rise. Sensing her star potential I immediately adopted her and welcomed her into my home.

Like any troubled teen from a single-parent household, Mileena started a band with a few of her friends. Charlene the Ferret on drums, Mr.Genderswap the Goldfish on bass, Mileena on vocals, and Mileena's good-for-nothing best friend PuffPuff the Cat on guitar.

It's not easy to describe their style of music but if I had to I guess I'd call it riot grrrwl. It won't be long before they're playing all the big venues so I suggest seeing them now. They'll be playing at T.T. the Bear's this Thursday.

ALSO: Tomorrow is Mileena's birthday!

YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR OWN HOME

Hi everyone. I feel bad not updating for a while but I have been very busy working on several projects INCLUDING Beach Bitch Bimbo: The Movie (3D) and as a result have not had time to blog. You know how it is...or at least you would know how it is if you were more creative and interesting.

In addition to 3B-3D I've been spending quite a bit of time attempting to train my precious heaven-child puss puss Mileena. A lot of unskilled laborers will insist that cats can't be trained, or, to be more specific, that cats can't be trained to protect you and your family from unexpected danger. To those people I say "Shut yr fucking liar mouth, you worthless piece of human garbage." Maybe some people are unable to train their cats, but I'm not "some people". I'm one person. And I know science!

At this moment I'm not exactly sure how I can link knowing science to training cats to defend their owners, but maybe it involves synapses and Pavlov and blahblahblah...LOOK there is most likely a connection and if people can use science as an excuse to talk about bullshit, then so can I.

When I was developing the curriculum I wanted to make sure that I wasn't focusing on the dangers you are most likely to come up against at home (falling down stairs, electrocution, fire, and home invasion if Brinks Security ads are to be believed). There's already so much outreach regarding the dangers of electricity and fire, and don't even get me started on the FAST campaign (Face/Arm/Speech/Time) to recognize symptoms of a stroke. I feel like most people are sufficiently prepared to deal with that crap as best they can without feline assistance.

But what about a sudden grizzly shark attack? It happens. How about Alien Abductions? Ghosts? Demonic Possession? Doppelgangers? Bigfoot? Conservative Hydra? Gender discrimination? Zombies? Who can you turn to when the shit really hits the fan? A lot of people might think the police, 911, the FBI, or even God. And that's why a lot of people wind up dead or traumatized as a direct result of paranormal activity.

Obviously when dealing with the paranormal cats are the ideal guardians. That's why witches were so into them (FACT). So HOW exactly did I train Mileena? I'm glad you asked.

First, I talked to her in great detail about the difference between good and evil. You can tell that a cat is paying attention to what yr saying if its immediate reaction is to ignore you. Of course we all know that most cats are illiterate, and with Mileena being a rescue kitty originally sold more-than-half starved at a yard sale in  Lynn, she didn't have the same opportunities available to cats in more nurturing environments. Illiteracy is a problem, however my years of Social Work education have trained me to see things from a "strengths perspective" so instead of judging Mileena for being unable to recite the alphabet, let alone read, I embraced her deficiency. She may not have learned how to read, but she learned how to defend herself on the mean streets of Lynn, giving her a much needed edge over any villains foolish enough to set their sights on her (and me). I set fire to the self-help book for cats I wrote titled Home Defense for Pussies and refocused my energy on keeping Mileena in the room while I played scary movies.

Cats are visual learners. Everybody knows this, but only a few of us are brave enough to admit it publicly. For this reason I concluded that movies were the perfect medium for expressing the terror unleashed upon humans by strange beings. The way my house is set up it was a little tricky making sure she stayed in front of the television, but I put down a little Fancy Feast and she immediately realized that she would be rewarded for watching tv (I told you there was probably some Pavlov involved, didn't I?)

So. First we watched my VHS copy of Jaws 2 to better understand ocean-based threats, followed by Robocop so Mileena would be able to understand the horrors of corporations and Detroit. Then we watched Day of the Dead to deal with zombies/post-apocalypse scenarios. After that we watched a little Daria because I spent $50 on the 8-disk DVD set and there was probably something she could learn from it.
Tomorrow we begin phase 2 of the training program, where I will show Mileena Poltergeist and The Exorcist so she learns how to keep me safe from intangible enemies.

And for my critics, should there be any: since beginning this training with Mileena I have not encountered anything paranormal. What more proof do you need?

Mileena!

Oh, and as promised, here are some pictures of my precious kitty Mileena:

All Pictures taken by Laura Williams, for the record.

Here Comes My Baby!

I think you are interested in knowing that I am now the proud roommate of a cat! I didn't name her Burqini after all because as it turns out Burqas (and therefor Burqinis by association) are involved in a lot of dramz that I want to shield my sweet angel baby miracle dream wonderful ultra magnificent heavenly dazzling cute astonishing amazing celestial messiah child from.

So instead I named her Mileena. The lady with the teeth from Mortal Kombat BUT ALSO the lady from Total Recall. I know Total Recall lady spells it "Melina" but my kitty knows how to perform a fatality so I'll be going with the Mortal Kombat version.

I'll publish photos when I'm not on the commuter rail, which has a terrible internet connection that is destroying my life/fun.

Octoba Feeva (Day 8)

It's very fortunate for all of you that I have a good idea every second because if I didn't these Halloween costume demands might start getting a little absurd.

For my next idea you'll need a friend (sorry Lonelies! Maybe you'll be lucky?) This is going to be a dangerous Halloween because it's time for the ultimate battle:

VS.

That's right it's Mileena vs. Cammy in an actual fight to the death. Who will survive? Only you can decide! You will go to jail for a very long time or die, so this is the type of costume scenario where you really get to prove yr dedication to the holiday. Good luck!