YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR OWN HOME

Hi everyone. I feel bad not updating for a while but I have been very busy working on several projects INCLUDING Beach Bitch Bimbo: The Movie (3D) and as a result have not had time to blog. You know how it is...or at least you would know how it is if you were more creative and interesting.

In addition to 3B-3D I've been spending quite a bit of time attempting to train my precious heaven-child puss puss Mileena. A lot of unskilled laborers will insist that cats can't be trained, or, to be more specific, that cats can't be trained to protect you and your family from unexpected danger. To those people I say "Shut yr fucking liar mouth, you worthless piece of human garbage." Maybe some people are unable to train their cats, but I'm not "some people". I'm one person. And I know science!

At this moment I'm not exactly sure how I can link knowing science to training cats to defend their owners, but maybe it involves synapses and Pavlov and blahblahblah...LOOK there is most likely a connection and if people can use science as an excuse to talk about bullshit, then so can I.

When I was developing the curriculum I wanted to make sure that I wasn't focusing on the dangers you are most likely to come up against at home (falling down stairs, electrocution, fire, and home invasion if Brinks Security ads are to be believed). There's already so much outreach regarding the dangers of electricity and fire, and don't even get me started on the FAST campaign (Face/Arm/Speech/Time) to recognize symptoms of a stroke. I feel like most people are sufficiently prepared to deal with that crap as best they can without feline assistance.

But what about a sudden grizzly shark attack? It happens. How about Alien Abductions? Ghosts? Demonic Possession? Doppelgangers? Bigfoot? Conservative Hydra? Gender discrimination? Zombies? Who can you turn to when the shit really hits the fan? A lot of people might think the police, 911, the FBI, or even God. And that's why a lot of people wind up dead or traumatized as a direct result of paranormal activity.

Obviously when dealing with the paranormal cats are the ideal guardians. That's why witches were so into them (FACT). So HOW exactly did I train Mileena? I'm glad you asked.

First, I talked to her in great detail about the difference between good and evil. You can tell that a cat is paying attention to what yr saying if its immediate reaction is to ignore you. Of course we all know that most cats are illiterate, and with Mileena being a rescue kitty originally sold more-than-half starved at a yard sale in  Lynn, she didn't have the same opportunities available to cats in more nurturing environments. Illiteracy is a problem, however my years of Social Work education have trained me to see things from a "strengths perspective" so instead of judging Mileena for being unable to recite the alphabet, let alone read, I embraced her deficiency. She may not have learned how to read, but she learned how to defend herself on the mean streets of Lynn, giving her a much needed edge over any villains foolish enough to set their sights on her (and me). I set fire to the self-help book for cats I wrote titled Home Defense for Pussies and refocused my energy on keeping Mileena in the room while I played scary movies.

Cats are visual learners. Everybody knows this, but only a few of us are brave enough to admit it publicly. For this reason I concluded that movies were the perfect medium for expressing the terror unleashed upon humans by strange beings. The way my house is set up it was a little tricky making sure she stayed in front of the television, but I put down a little Fancy Feast and she immediately realized that she would be rewarded for watching tv (I told you there was probably some Pavlov involved, didn't I?)

So. First we watched my VHS copy of Jaws 2 to better understand ocean-based threats, followed by Robocop so Mileena would be able to understand the horrors of corporations and Detroit. Then we watched Day of the Dead to deal with zombies/post-apocalypse scenarios. After that we watched a little Daria because I spent $50 on the 8-disk DVD set and there was probably something she could learn from it.
Tomorrow we begin phase 2 of the training program, where I will show Mileena Poltergeist and The Exorcist so she learns how to keep me safe from intangible enemies.

And for my critics, should there be any: since beginning this training with Mileena I have not encountered anything paranormal. What more proof do you need?