Just Checking In

Heavens to Betsy it's been quite a while since I've posted. I apologize, dear readers, from the bottom of my heart. I got a new job and haven't really had the time or consistent internet access to update 3B. I know how hurt you must be but please bear with me because I've got shocking news that is as good as it is potentially insanity-inducing.

My roommate, Amy Greenhouse, got herself a new cat. His name is Dalek and while he's certainly a precious angel-baby sent from Heaven to cure us both of this crushing loneliness we call life I feel compelled to inform you that he is not as precious angel-baby-ish as Mileena. I mean, he's certainly a delight to have around but he's not exactly what I'd label "Calendar Material". I'm hoping that he's willing to learn to play the bass because Fancy Beast is still on hiatus since Puff Puff went to jail.

In other news, how was yr Halloween? Did you dress up? I fucking hope so. I have zero tolerance for people who begrudge me the opportunity to enjoy a good costume. Did you go as something sexy? If yr a woman (or woman-identified) I know there's a lot of pressure to show people various secondary sex characteristics on Halloween. I don't blame you if you caved under the pressure, but I truly hope you at least thought outside of the box (so to speak). Anything can be sexy with the right amount of effort.

No, wait, that's not true at all. I can think of several things that can't/shouldn't be sexy. I'm tempted to put them here in list form but c'mon people, I'm 27 years old. I think at this point in my social development I know better than to list various horrible things that shouldn't be sexy. Use yr own damn imagination. The internet is forever and I've got a career to think about.

Novemba Feeva...no, just kidding.

I hope everyone who took my advice had a nice Halloween. Those of you who didn't...well I hope you had a good time too. I'm wicked nice like that. Greenhouse and I went as Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love who are also werewolves. Clever, right? I executive produced the idea but M. Night Shyamalan directed it. Fans described it as "stimulating".

Octoba Feeva (Day 31)

And now it's Halloween. Did you decide to be something from my list or did you opt to go as something stupid? Listen, it's okay if you don't take my advice, I'll still respect you...just not as much. Whatever you do, don't go as post-nasal drip. I have enough of that in my life at the moment and I'd be kind of offended.

If for some reason you still haven't figured out what to be I've got one final suggestion/demand. Go as hidden camera footage of yr imaginary friend from childhood (or adulthood. I won't judge you) committing a series of burglaries. It'll seem like some pretty damning evidence until you reveal that the burglaries were committed because the Yakuza kidnapped yr imaginary family and forced you into a life of crime in order to free them. After the holiday, present a script to the ScyFy Channel or maybe Lifetime documenting the night and then just sit back and let the money roll in.

Happy Halloween.

Octoba Feeva (Day 30)

Are you disappointed in me for not updating yesterday? You shouldn't be because it was deliberate. The sad reality is that I can't always be there to solve yr problems for you. Sooner or later yr going to have to figure things out on yr own and skipping Octoba Feeva (Day 29) was my way of reminding you that self-sufficiency is the most important costume of all.


With that lesson learned, today's Halloween suggestion/demand is one of special interest to me and so by association it is also important to you: Cryptids. Do you know much about cryptozoology? If you said "No", that's unfortunate. If you said "Yes, of course I do DUH" then congratulations because not only do I love you forever, I ALSO have a few wonderful ideas for Halloween. Pay attention "No" people...you might learn something.

Aaaaaaanybody could go as Bigfoot. So if yr lazy and boring, do it. It's better than a venus flytrap costume or a sexy ethnic stereotype. (By the way: please don't go as an ethnic stereotype. I will find you. I have the resources. And when I do? Yr going right into the sun.) If yr NOT lazy and boring, I have a few other suggestions that better represent the diversity of cryptozoological life:

1. Nandi Bear - Okay, so this thing might actually be a type of hyena or something BUT lets not get too wrapped up in the details. Be a big scary bear-like creature with a bad attitude and if you want extra credit ride a unicycle with an umbrella and a tutu.
2. El Chupacabra - What a terrible little demon this thing is. You could bring a real-life dead goat around town for double the authenticity.
3. The Aliens from Independence Day - I know what yr thinking: "Richie, I love and respect you and would like to deep-mouth french kiss you but those things are not cryptids." To which I respond: "Yr the one who's not a cryptid and there goes yr one big chance to deep-mouth kiss me."
4. Dover Demon - Massachusetts is obviously the best state, but it doesn't have the best mystery creatures. Except for the Dover Demon. This is THE BEST Halloween suggestion/demand if yr a teen from Massachusetts looking to "represent".
5. Mothman - If yr this I will be very scared of you.

Octoba Feeva (Day 28)

Go as a palindrome. "Lisa Bonet ate no basil" is the best one, but get creative!

Octoba Feeva (Day 27)

Well now Halloween is just around the corner and you still haven't figured out what to do? Listen, it's okay. I understand. I'm here to help. Go as Conservative Hydra.

This is an especially great idea if yr going to a costume contest. Yr guaranteed to win! I mean, not like a popular vote or anything, but if there's a judge panel just tell them if they don't let you win it's because they don't support the troops and are socialists and are probably here illegally and blahblah terrorism and TEA PAAAARRRRTTTTYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Conservative Hydra knows that fear is the best motivation around...and now you know it too!

Octoba Feeva (Day 26)

As you all know, I'm extremely concerned that some people may have forgotten about 9/11 despite repeated warnings to "Never Forget". In order to keep the tragedy fresh in everyone's minds, I think you should go as an eagle with a tear next to the twin towers. If that doesn't seem Halloweenish enough for you, throw in a Critter!

Octoba Feeva (Day 25)

I finally figured out what I'm going to be for Halloween, but I'm nervous that one of you will steal my idea if I write it here. You'll find out AFTER Halloween.

Today's suggestion comes with the assumption that you've seen the made-for-tv movie Rose Red. If you haven't seen it, please tell me that you've at least seen The Langoliers. If for some reason you haven't seen that either, please consider the costume I suggested on October 15th, because that's what I think of you.

So here are yr options:

Go as the autistic psychic girl from Rose Red.

OR

Go as the blind girl who dies in The Langoliers.

I would be so proud of you if you could manage to be both.

Octoba Feeva (Day 24)

Oh crap I missed another day. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. How would you feel about being a venus flytrap? No, don't be that unless yr a teen.

I think it would be wise of you to go as a newborn baby flea.

Octoba Feeva (Day 22)

Bake a cake to look like you on yr wedding day. Bring it as yr date to a fascinating Halloween party.

She's doing it right!

Octoba Feeva (Day 21)

The world can be a pretty horrid place. I think that as upright, moral citizens we have a responsibility to work towards social change. One way to do this is to create awareness by dressing up for Halloween as a chart showing the distribution of leprosy in the world.

Octoba Feeva (Day 20)

Today's Halloween suggestion/demand is a bit more challenging, but I think it's still possible to pull it off. What you need to do is somehow con the people over in Hollywood to do a remake of Gorillas in the Mist starring Laura Dern and Amy (not Amy Greenhouse, Amy the gorilla from Congo). Then you can go as Sigourney Weaver from the original and tell people how much better of a movie it was.

Octoba Feeva (Day 19)

Get mauled by a bear. Tell people yr dressed as someone mauled by a lion.

Octoba Feeva (Day 18)

Please do yr best to go as the embodiment of the song "It's a Heartache" by Bonnie Tyler.

Octoba Feeva (Day 17)

Can I just say that I've been so busy helping the masses figure out what they're going to be for Halloween that I've completely neglected to get my own costume together. There's still time. I can do it. BUT IF I DON'T I want you to understand that the blame falls on all of you.


As for today's suggestion, remember that movie "Seven" OH WAIT I mean "Se7en"? Why did they spell it like that? A 7 doesn't look like a V. I don't get it. Anyway, if I remember correctly, the movie is about Jesus coming back from the dead to force-feed people because he thinks they're fat and glue cell phones to disfigured models' hands. And some lady's head winds up in a box for some reason LOOK the movie sucked and the plot isn't important. WHAT IS IMPORTANT is that you and six friends (again, sorry Lonelies! I've got a thing for themes) dress up as "The Se7en Deadly Sins 2099".

Despite what the kooky Catholics would have you believe, people's concepts of what is right and wrong change over time. What was a "deadly sin" in 1995 may not be considered so bad in the distant future of the year 2099. Some things might stay the same, but others will have changed drastically. ESPECIALLY if there's a poop zombie apocalypse or Skrull infiltration. So it's time to put yr thinking caps on because now's yr chance to dress up as the sins of the future. NOTE: Please don't cheat and ask any precognitive friends you might have...that takes all the fun out of it! You know that of course I'll help get you started. Here's my prediction for the Se7en Deadly Sins of 2099:

1. Drag - We all know how...sensitive some conservative Christians are. In 2099, after the gays have taken over, Jesus people will literally LOSE THEIR SHIT. They know that if they speak out against the GLBT community they'll be exiled to "No Fun Island" (where EVERY SINGLE rule from the Bible is enforced, not just the ones they use to discriminate). Since No Fun Island (currently known as Greenland) is the worst place on the planet and only the craziest of the crazies goes to live there, the Christians decide to just cut their losses and only protest drag queens and kings. Yeah, I mean, it's annoying, but we let them do it so they feel like they have religious freedom (they don't). Many "Draggers" (as Drag Queens and Kings are known in 2099) incorporate them into their performance. This is a fun deadly sin because everybody wins!
2. Cold-Dropping - Cold dropping is refusing to drop it like it's hot, which is proven in 2032 to be the only way to communicate directly with God.
3. Racism - Thank Rush Limbaugh that this finally made it to "deadly sin" status in 2011 following his assassination attempt on Michael Steele and subsequent public execution. I don't actually recommend dressing up as "Racism" though. If it's not obvious why....um, then yeah go ahead and do it.
4. Gossip - In 2054 the (Drama!) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs declares war on the United States. For the first six years of the war everyone thought it had to do with global warming, pollution, etc. No. It didn't. She read on Perez Hilton's website that President Greenhouse said she was "fat and tacky"and decided to declare war. Horseshoe crabs aren't much of a threat on their own, but they teamed up with No Fun Island and that made things a bit more complicated. The war was finally settled when the U.S. agreed to add Gossip to its list of deadly sins. Church and state are actually separated in 2099 though...sooo it really makes no difference at all (and she is fat and tacky).
5. Internet Speech - There's no room in the future for lol, btw, brb, and all the other stupid letter combinations that people think is okay nowadays.
6. Sloth - And by "Sloth" I mean "sloths" and by "sloths" I mean it is a deadly sin to not visit them at the zoo and pet them and hug them and give them treats.
7. Cannibalism - Why isn't this a deadly sin now? Too busy with the war on sex, Jesus people? If I have to explain this you are either a poop zombie or a werewolf (or both!!) so please don't hurt me.

That's my list. Conceptual costumes are always great because you can basically wear whatever and people will pretend that they understand it. I'm reeeeaaalllly considering going as "Cold-Dropping".

Octoba Feeva (Day 16)

Oh no I missed a day! I was doing so good, too. It's okay because today's suggestion is extra wonderful: Go as a mysteriously resurrected Genghis Khan attempting to atone for his past misdeeds through charity work and the formation of a new campaign to end world hunger. This idea is extra great because after Halloween is over you'll have a new job as executive director of a fascinating non-profit organization!

Octoba Feeva (Day 14)

Here's an idea for a Halloween costume : Wont someone please go as the pet cat that I don't have but really reeeeaaallly want? He or she will be called Burqini, after the famous beach bitch bimbo attire of the same name. Please don't invade my space in a "sexy cat" costume and try to pass that off as Burqini. My future pet will have class and you should remember that as yr getting ready.

Octoba Feeva (Day 13)

How about going as an alternate reality version of yrself? Here's some known parallel universes that might help you figure out which yr gonna be:

• Earth 9929: A Blade Runner-ish world where maybe yr a replicant? or a blade runner? or a misinformed hooker with a heart of gold and a somewhat serious benzodiazipine addiction? It's up to you!
• Earth 616: This is a good one because obviously this is where yr a superhero. Be careful if yr a mutant, though. The world you've sworn to protect hates and fears you.
• Earth 83922: A world where you're a lawyer with laser-beam eyes trapped on a living island.
• Earth 12: 2 words: No fingernails.
• Earth 31296: A world devastated by a zombie plague. Hopefully yr one of the few survivors because I'd rather not have this terrible virus spread to other dimensions.
• Earth 438: A world where everyone is an android with only one goal: to document the mischief of baby animals (in this dimension there's no such thing as extinction so you get to document EVERY baby animal...except for the bugs, you use them as yr source of energy).
• Earth 5737: A world where people evolved from bees instead of primates.

Octoba Feeva (Day 12)

I think it might be fun to dress up for Halloween as people protesting the societal ills that are often associated with compilation CD's.

Octoba Feeva (Day 11)

Sorry but I gotta be quick, I'm on my way out the door and wont be able to updat again today.

Wear a bunch of studded belts. Tell people you ARE a studded belt.