Did you get upset that I didn't update 3B at all in April? Did you happen to notice that Osama Bin Laden is dead? Did you suspect that I was somehow involved? The answer to all of these questions is YES. Yes, you did. OF COURSE YOU DID!
I apologize for my extended absence but I was deep undercover in Pakistan and updating Beach Bitch Bimbo might have jeopardized my cover. A lot of what happened is still classified but I've given myself permission to share the basics of how it went down.
Basically, I was bored and watching the news eight years ago when people still cared about Osama Bin Laden existing and I noticed that the way the news people spoke about Bin Laden was very similar to the way people might talk about a super-villain. It was all "evil genius blahblahblah" and "sinister intentions" and whatnot. Typical super-villain stuff. Well that got me thinking. One thing we know about super villains is that they often work together. It just makes sense. Why stress out doing all that terrorizing by yourself when there are probably at least four other people out there just as evil as you are? I headed to the craft store, bought myself some wire and duct tape and fabric dye and VIOLA:
I knew that for sure Bin Laden would LOVE to team up with Loki, the Norse god of mischief. Can you blame him? The horns. The green. The trickery. He's got everything a homicidal religious extremist could ever want. With my costume complete, my next step was a bit more daunting: FIND BIN LADEN AND OFFER HIM THE CHANCE TO TEAM UP.
Picture it: Lynn, Massachusetts. March, 2009. Amy, Gregg, and I realized that Osama Bin Laden was nearby. I knew what I had to do, even if it meant deceiving my two allies. While Gregg and Amy were haggling earring prices I slipped into my Loki disguise and found Mr. Bin Laden buying plastic spoons. I introduced myself as Loki and immediately suggested we team up to rid the world of imperialism or capitalism or whatever it is he doesn't like. Just as I had planned he eagerly accepted my offer. To show that I was serious I pointed out Amy and Gregg and warned him that some sly American infidels had discovered his hiding place in Lynn. I suggested he flee to Plymouth (so that when the time was right I could crush him beneath Plymouth Rock) but something got screwed up in the translation and he heard "Pakistan" so that's where he went.
Over the next few months I had Bin Laden divert all Al Qaeda funds to what I promised him was a machine that could control the weather. And earthquakes. I think at one point I claimed it could make an army of dinosaurs with rabies. In actuality it was a strobe light taped to a broken microwave. We planned to set it off at the Lowell Commuter Rail Station on May 1st. We loaded the device onto a helicopter and prepared to make our trek to Lowell when I told Bin Laden that there was one more ingredient needed to make the machine work. Then I shot him a bunch of times and came back home.
AMERICAN HERO FOREVER.
I apologize for my extended absence but I was deep undercover in Pakistan and updating Beach Bitch Bimbo might have jeopardized my cover. A lot of what happened is still classified but I've given myself permission to share the basics of how it went down.
Basically, I was bored and watching the news eight years ago when people still cared about Osama Bin Laden existing and I noticed that the way the news people spoke about Bin Laden was very similar to the way people might talk about a super-villain. It was all "evil genius blahblahblah" and "sinister intentions" and whatnot. Typical super-villain stuff. Well that got me thinking. One thing we know about super villains is that they often work together. It just makes sense. Why stress out doing all that terrorizing by yourself when there are probably at least four other people out there just as evil as you are? I headed to the craft store, bought myself some wire and duct tape and fabric dye and VIOLA:
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| The Perfect Disguise! |
Picture it: Lynn, Massachusetts. March, 2009. Amy, Gregg, and I realized that Osama Bin Laden was nearby. I knew what I had to do, even if it meant deceiving my two allies. While Gregg and Amy were haggling earring prices I slipped into my Loki disguise and found Mr. Bin Laden buying plastic spoons. I introduced myself as Loki and immediately suggested we team up to rid the world of imperialism or capitalism or whatever it is he doesn't like. Just as I had planned he eagerly accepted my offer. To show that I was serious I pointed out Amy and Gregg and warned him that some sly American infidels had discovered his hiding place in Lynn. I suggested he flee to Plymouth (so that when the time was right I could crush him beneath Plymouth Rock) but something got screwed up in the translation and he heard "Pakistan" so that's where he went.
Over the next few months I had Bin Laden divert all Al Qaeda funds to what I promised him was a machine that could control the weather. And earthquakes. I think at one point I claimed it could make an army of dinosaurs with rabies. In actuality it was a strobe light taped to a broken microwave. We planned to set it off at the Lowell Commuter Rail Station on May 1st. We loaded the device onto a helicopter and prepared to make our trek to Lowell when I told Bin Laden that there was one more ingredient needed to make the machine work. Then I shot him a bunch of times and came back home.
AMERICAN HERO FOREVER.
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