I'm Pregnant.

Mayyyyybe "pregnant" isn't the best way to describe it. I think "expecting" is a smidgen more appropriate because I'm EXPECTING a new synthetic baby to arrive in the mail at any moment. Her name is Sarah Whitney-Mulcahy and I artificially love her and her hyphenated last name so much that I'm angry about it. Oh look, here she is now:
I'm not sure how well you can read that little paragraph next to her, but yes she is modeled after the artist that made her. She is also premature so be careful around her if you have an imaginary disease.

Now that I've husked away my former worthless life and moved on to a higher plane of existence, I'm anticipating a lot of jealousy and gossip from all the baseline humans like yrselves, and of course I don't blame you, but please lets keep it reasonable people...I don't need DFCF (The Department of Fake Children and Families) all up in my damn business.

Volcano of Love

I'm starting a vh1 dating show and the concept is as follows:

I find about a thousand mentally ill twenty-somethings with sexxxxxxxxxxxxy bodies and bad attitudes.

Now this next part is important because it involves you: AMERICA gets to choose what twenty eight douche bags wind up as contestants through texting and online voting that costs you money. Thanks, by the way, because that money will be used to further my secular gay fascist agenda.

They all go to a house in Malibu or wherever

NO WAIT they all go to a house on top of a live volcano and compete for the love of Amy Greenhouse.

The judges will be: Tyra Banks, Daisy, Heidi Klum, Sister Patterson, New York, Rahne Sinclair, Brett Michaels, Tila Tequilla, Bubbles, Ricky Lake, Ricky Rachman, Richard Mulcahy, Tim Gunn, Nina Garcia, That scary military guy from Celebrity Fat Camp or whatever it was called, and last but not least Lydia Lunch.

At the end of each episode Lydia Lunch brutalizes whoever she wants regardless of who the judges vote out and throws them in the volcano.

And yes, this entire show exists for the sole purpose of seeing Lydia Lunch throw Brett Michaels into a volcano...oh yeah and also to find true love IN A WAY.

ohhhh wait!

I almost forgot about this.

have a nice day.

what about my vagina?

Jake and I are renting the Friday the 13th remake tonight and I'm expecting a lot of "what about my vagina?" moments. Are you familiar with the concept? It's kind of like a bizzaro version of the much more sanitary "Here I am!" moment that pseudo-celebrities get when they make appearances in crap.
Specifically, the "what about my vagina?" moment refers to when a female character in a movie/book/play/comic book/tv show/basically anywhere that starts out soft-spoken, nerdy, and/or fully clothed (usually even including a hat and glasses), suddenly or gradually remembers that they have a vagina and therefor need to get out of control sexxxxxxxxxxy. This need to sex it out is so powerful it can correct their vision (making glasses obsolete) and raise the temperature around them to 90 degrees (resulting in removal of clothing and sweat-soaked t-shirts regardless of whether or not it is actually warm where they are).

In order to keep myself from entering into a rage when these moments occur, I always try and figure out what the writer thinks is going through the woman's mind as she transforms. I think for Friday the 13th it'd go something like this:

you know what? FUCK IT. I'm all full of boobs and vagina and someones trying to kill me so I might as well let it all flop around town for a while. UGH I'm really getting distracted by my glasses and hat and shirt and seriously, having good vision and a warm hat is SLOWING ME DOWN. If I'm gonna survive this I can't be weighed down by all this fucking FABRIC and EYESIGHT. I Know! I'll get soaking wet and then crawl under a car or something but OH NO I wont fit under a car with my hair in a ponytail! I better take that scrunchy out and mess my hair up a little. Maybe the killer will be my boyfriend.

(Then she gets murdered.)

the ocean is trying to kill you

It's 90 degrees today and if I wasn't already occupied I could be a real-life Beach Bitch Bimbo splashing and laughing in the Atlantic Ocean.

No, just kidding.

I can't actually participate in activities that bring me in direct contact with the water of the Atlantic or any other ocean because they are filled with all manner of squid and shark and urchin that can't wait to destroy me every second. Lakes and ponds are okay because the only dangerous thing I can think of in a lake or pond in New England is snapping turtles and they don't seem so bad. Pools are nice too, whether above or below ground, inflatable or not.

It really is a shame because waves are nice, the ocean smells great at least half of the time, I'm a Pisces, and salt water is good for yr skin but I'm not into high risk behaviors...not ones that may result in me being eaten alive anyway. Don't get it twisted, I DO go to the beach and have a perfectly good time hunting crabs and getting my ankles wet, but every time I see some MOW-RAWN out swimming in water up to and beyond 4 feet of depth all I can think of is "What a stupid stupid person." because maybe that individual has a family or an important job and they are about to be swallowed whole or otherwise terrified by a sea creature. On at least one occasion I have called 911 because the only reason I can think of why someone would risk a shark attack is because they are suicidal and what they really need is psychiatric medication and a good behavioral therapist.

I find it incredibly sad that nice animals are going extinct every day while sea monsters are ruining my life.

Norway is People Too (the "god hates" edition)

Tomorrow is Independence Day in Norway and even though I have no discernible connection to Norway beyond my milky white complexion, I thought I would help the Norwegian friends that I hope to one day make and borrow money from by enlightening the world to some of the contributions Norway has made. Unlike their bullshit counterpart Sweden, Norway has made the world a better place by having a city in Maine named after it. Also cities in Illinois, South Carolina, New York, a few other states and even some places in Canada. As amazing as that is, its name isn't Norway's ONLY major export. It also has fish and probably some kinds of important minerals that other countries may or may not be interested in. I bet Norway has art and music that some people know and care about as well.

Although Norway's exports are well respected by the global community (except for Ireland) the true majesty of Norway would really have to be its dedication to improving the lives of its citizens. Barely anybody starves in Norway unless it's by choice. Also, most people don't have to worry about being dropped off at some hellhole clinic because they can't afford to treat the disease they got because their government decided that abstinence only education was more useful than the twenty seconds it takes to explain how a condom works. That's pretty good. I'm sure that there's a lot more interesting things about Norway but I'm not gonna spoil it by just telling you. Go read a book about Norway. I'm absolutely sure one exists. Or just go here. Whatever ya want.

Superhero Burnout

I know, I know, I've been missing lately. It's not my fault. I was stuck in the fucking Negative Zone.

Do you know much about interdimensional travel? LET ME JUST SAY that it is time consuming, usually disorienting, and probably the fastest route to superhero burnout in existence (with the possible exception of a clone-related identity crisis).


So yr most likely thinking: "Billions of lives depend on me! How can I keep from burning out?" The thing about superhero burnout is that ya gotta take it as seriously as you would any other threat to justice. Burnout makes you sloppy, uncaring (in an apathy way, not a bad ass vigilante way), and if yr on a team, a major liability. BUT FEAR NOT because as usual I'm here to lend a helping hand so you'll be able to identify the warning signs of superhero burnout and make the changes necessary to ensure yr continued role as protector of whatever it is yr protecting or defender of whatever it is yr defending.

In order to understand superhero burnout, first ya gotta familiarize yrself with some of its most common causes. These may include, but are not limited to:

• having yr secret identity revealed
• finding out yr lover is in cahoots with yr arch-enemy
• being killed
• accidentally killing a civilian while locked in battle
• failing to save an innocent/innocents or worse yet a loved one
• sleep deprivation from late night crime fighting
• medical bills because we're not all tony fucking stark. I'm a goddamn social worker! I don't have savings.
• being kidnapped and replaced with an evil alternate dimension version of yrself/clone/demon/shape-shifter/alien or the rare demonically possessed alternate reality shape-shifting clone of a long dead species of alien. (It happens.)
• time travel to a depressing future
  

Alone any one of these would be cause to question yr lifestyle choices, but even more difficult is when some of these occur simultaneously. Once, I was kidnapped and replaced by a terrible doppelganger who stored me in a future where humans were hunted by hyper-evolved lions (in this future human fingernails and toenails were like ivory only EVEN MORE precious). Of course I managed to escape (duh) but AS SOON I got back I was turned into a horseman of Apocalypse and forced to battle my teammates. Again, of course, I was able to recover but do you have any idea how that affected my mental health? Had I not been so educated about burnout I may have ignored the signs and decided to serve Apocalypse by choice. That would have sucked for humanity because I was wiiicked deadly. FORTUNATELY I know the warning signs...and now you can know them too:

Signs you may be experiencing Superhero Burnout

• not returning from the dead.
• considering becoming evil or actually becoming evil (but not to infiltrate the enemy). It's okay to question yr motives every once in a while. A little self-doubt can keep you goal focused (and reassure you that yr not under anyone's telepathic control) HOWEVER if you get too caught up in that "am i really making a difference?" bullshit yr not going to be of any use to anybody.
• switching superhero names often (Ant Man, Giant Man, Goliath, Yellowjacket, Wasp, etc.)Frequently switching costumes is cool, though. Fashion is kinetic.
• isolating yrself from yr team or sidekick (is there a politically correct term for sidekick? "partner" doesn't feel right and "apprentice" doesn't give the position enough credit.)
• Becoming reckless. When you can lift mountains with yr mind, it's easy to forget that most people are just flesh and bone. Usually protecting the innocent is at least among the top five reasons people become heroes. If it gets to the point where you don't really care who gets hurt then yr no better than the villains yr battling against.

If yr experiencing any of the symptoms listed above you may be experiencing superhero burnout. It's okay, though, because you are not alone and there ARE ways you can battle burnout, including:

• taking a vacation
• brief "retirement" (you'll be back)
• a chance encounter with some nobody (most likely a child or pregnant woman or even a former drug addict) you saved and/or inspired a few years ago
• temporary victory over someone waaay more powerful than you (Galactus, Apocalypse, etc.)
• an inspiring speech by some member of the team you thought had died but it turns out they didn't (or they did and were somehow resurrected)
• A promotion (to team leader, sorcerer supreme, etc.)
• get a new sidekick. the old one should be dead by now (they'll be back and most likely angry at you for moving on at first but eventually they'll realize you had to in order to save more lives )
• get married to a teammate

I hope you all find this at least somewhat helpful. I wish I was able to take my own damn advice because instead of a vacation I'm headed to Limbo to try and win back Illyana's bloodstone. Fuuuuck.