things to look forward to on 3B in 2013

You are so fucking lucky. Really. So incredibly blessed and fortunate to be among the first to read this here post about all the exciting things to look forward to on Beach Bitch Bimbo this year.

I know what yr thinking. It's something like "OH HELLLLL NO! You barely updated 3B at all in 2012!!!!!"

Sadly, this is true but times they are a changin'. I finally bought a damn computer so I will be updating with much more frequency. REJOICE! My brain is overflowing with good ideas and tender musings to both challenge and delight you. Here's a sample of what you can look forward to....

• Sister Act Fan Fiction
• The unveiling of the newest members of my All-Girl Goon Squad
• Probably a bunch of lists
• More Twitter Feuds
• More Jean Grey
• MORE AMERICAN HEROISM
• Something skimpy (for the fellas)
• Something ribbed (for her pleasure)
• 3B:3D hits theaters
• Secular Gay Fascism
• The return of 31 Days of Halloween Costume Suggestions/Demands

Are you excited? That's a stupid fucking question. Of course you are. PEOPLE GET READY

Seltz

I was just looking back through my Beach Bitch Bimbo files and realized I never got to Part 2 of my thrilling expose into the perpetual lie that is dreaming. Listen up, I've had a lapse is research. I'm sorry. You can be certain that I will probably never mention dreams or the liars who claim them ever again. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I did want to address a topic that has caused quite a stir over at the Hall of Justice, where I reside. I'm sure you all remember Amy Greenhouse? International pop superstar, tabloid favorite, model, and leader of the All Girl Goon Squad? Ring any bells for ya?

Okay, well Amy lives with me and the rest of the Goon Squad at the Hall of Justice in Everett, Massachusetts. I am so sad to have to be the one to break this news to you but it seems that Ms. Greenhouse has been suffering from a debilitating addiction to Seltzer. When she gets the itch for that Seltz nothing on this planet can substitute her need for carbonated water. AND THE FLAVORS! Sinister combinations like Vanilla Pear and Triple Berry. It's sick. The effect it has had on her physical and mental health, not to mention her career, has been devastating. She used to sing beautiful songs and pretend to be a mermaid. Now she just mumbles about the "billions of bubbles" she hopes to consume while rocking back and forth on the floor of our living room.

I've scheduled an intervention. You are all welcome to join. We can't allow another life be taken by this fizzy death cocktail.

All Girl Goon Squad Recruitment Drive 2012/2013

Hi. Okay. So.Can I holla at you? I'm thinking about expanding my circle of friends who are also henchwomen. Are you interested in joining my All Girl Goon Squad? The only requirements are that you identify as a woman and are willing to help me in my quest of trickery. Also, you need to be willing to join the Secular Gay Fascist Agenda.

Get at me if yr interested.

Yeah, I caused a hurricane. DEAL WITH IT

Ugh, I just accidentally inhaled a huge blob of wasabi and I can barely function but I am determined to update you people on the insidious horrors I've unleashed onto the world. So, hey, what's up East Coast folks? Did you notice that there was a hurricane yesterday? A lot of scientists will try to tell you that it was caused by low pressure areas forming over warm oceans and blahblahblahblah but we all know that scientists just make shit up to shield you from the terrible truth. I have no such qualms and would like to let you know what really caused Hurricane Sandy: GAY PEOPLE.

Well, not just gay people.Lesbians, Bisexuals, Trans* people, and all other sexual minorities teamed up with abortions to fuck shit up. You might wonder how I know about this. As leader of the Secular Gay Fascist Agenda Committee for a Pro-Choice Planet I have insider knowledge of this nefarious plot to make it rain for a while and maybe knock some trees down. See, what we do is we synchronize our sexual activity, resulting in millions of angels sobbing all at once (that's where rain comes from). Then we head over to volunteer at Planned Parenthood and/or public schools (where we recruit). God is so shocked at our brazen behavior that she lets out a gasp (that's where the wind comes from).

That's right, America, The Gays were behind this storm. And you can rest assured that there will be more gay-related aborticanes. You've been warned.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Omniscience Isn't Real

Is window shopping still a thing? Was it ever really a thing? There are some questions that just don't have answers. As we all know, I like to consider myself an authority on all matters. From the heavy hitters like "Is there a God?" (Yes, and she's a dick) to the more trivial "Does this match?" (Everything matches, bimbo) I'm well-regarded in most social and political circles as the guy with sassy answers to some of life's biggest mysteries. To quote the late, great, biblical scholar Layla Miller..."I know stuff." It's both a blessing and a curse. Some of what I know comes from my precognitive abilities. Some of it comes from my uncanny detective mastery. Some of it is my innate gift to just know.

Being a one-man moral minority comes with a lot of stress but I do my best to get by. With great power comes great responsibility, as you would know if you had any power at all. I try to use my gifts for good whenever possible, but lately I've found that some questions just don't have answers. Why does corn smell so good? Where does Bigfoot sleep? Why is the sky blue? Okay, that last one has an answer but here's a follow up that doesn't: Who cares?

Now listen, I know yr faith in me must be shaken. I get it. However, I am still more than capable of answering 97% of questions with 12% accuracy. That's something.

Dark Visions

I was recently infected with an alien virus known colloquially as "strep throat". While battling a fever of approximately 190 degrees I began to suffer dark visions of a world to come. Those of you who know me personally understand that dark visions are nothing unusual for a precognitive such as myself, however the level of clarity I experienced was unprecedented. I'm not sure what to make of the scenes of unbridled torment and burning pits of sulfur I glimpsed in my fevered state. It's a good thing I don't believe in global warming or this prophecy might be particularly concerning. As it is, I honestly could have been seeing Arizona. That place is AWFUL.

Dream Skeptic (Part One)

If there's one thing that I know with absolute certainty it's that people love to babble on about their stupid fucking dreams. It's always some contrived crap about owning a home or squirting out babies or some other nonsense I am morally opposed to. Sometimes it's in a Martin Luther King Jr. "I have a dream..." kinda way, and it's like...I get it. Lovely. How very altruistic of you. Congrats. But recently it was brought to my attention that many people claim that dreams are something that goes on while yr sleeping. What utter garbage.

Let's examine these claims. I want to make sure I'm understanding it all properly. So, yr asleep. It's the middle of the night. And seemingly random scenes play out in yr head? Flying around or being chased by Freddy Krueger or something? And you want me to believe that that's normal? Nice try, weirdos, but no fucking dice. I've got a few theories on these imaginary "sleep movies" people pretend they're experiencing; the first of which is that people are just flat out making this shit up. Here I am, 28 years old, and I have never experienced one of these bouts of sleep delusion. I think maybe it's like religion. People go on and on about some old, bearded, usually white for some reason, guy who lives in the sky. With all his ultimate power the most pressing matters this dude ("God") attends to are making people win Super Bowls and hating fun. No matter how much or how often I point out that this is obviously bullshit people keep on insisting that he's real. Maybe that's the deal with dreams. Intellectually people understand they're making it up but after years of cultural brainwashing they feel the need to lie to themselves and, by extension, the rest of the world. I think that it's entirely possible that dreams are just some giant self-perpetuating joke humanity plays on itself.

Another theory I have is a bit more simplistic: good old fashioned mental illness. We all know that crazy people are highly influential so it would make sense that some people would want to "fit in" by pretending to be crazy. Teenagers do it all the time. If this make-believe cycle goes on unchecked, before you know it you have an entire planet insisting things play inside their head while they sleep.

(To be continued in Dream Skeptic Part 2...coming soon!)