This is bullshit. I want it to go on record that I am being ripped off YET AGAIN by the new television series "The Talk". It's on...well I don't actually know what channel it's on, but you can bet yr life that I'm going to find out and write a very nasty email.
So. Remember how I executive produce The View? No, not THAT View. I don't know what yr talking about.The real one. With Reba, The Lost Skeleton of Selena, Liz Berkley, Nona, Suzanne Somers, and Joan Rivers? Featuring house band X-Ray Spex and on-again/off-again guest host Dolly Parton? What am I saying??? OF COURSE you remember; and really, how could you forget such an eclectic and fascinating group of womyn? I'm sure you'll all also remember how Shannen Doherty got in a HUGE fight with Rebes (possibly/probably instigated by Rivers) and was kicked off the show, temporarily replaced with Reba's pal Dolly Parton and eventually permanently replaced by Suzanne Somers.
Now Shannen wants to be tough like ten yeahz layta and started a copycat show called "The Talk", forcing my entrapment within the rage cage. Let's discuss, shall we?
FIRST OF ALL, we should take a few moments to discuss the cast. Shannen serves as the main host and executive producer, which in and of itself is unforgivable. Then there's the Lost Skeleton of Nancy Spungen, Miss Piggy, C. Spears, Princess Daisy and some other nobody I don't even have the energy to name. This group of so-called "ladies" sit around and argue with each other for an hour every morning. Despicable! FOR THE RECORD: The View is on for two and a half hours seven days a week so the fact that they think they can cram every controversial issue into an hour-long show that's only on FIVE days a week is absurd. Here's an example of the asinine garbage you can look forward to on The Talk:
Shannen Dohrety: Fuck politics let's talk about the new nail polish I stole from Reba's trash can.
Miss Piggy: Wow! I love the color pink!
Daisy: I like yellow!
C. Spears: I don't believe in colors because there's just too many of them. I also don't believe in dinosaurs because the past never really happened. I can't think back that far. Also, do you like my new bra and panties? They're not actually new. I stole these from Reba's trashcan too.
Shannen Doherty: You stole my idea! You cunt! Nancy, Piggy, attack!
(At this point the Lost Skeleton of Nancy Spungen strangulates Spears while Miss Piggy karate chops her in the stomach)
Shannen: Okay, now that that copycat bitch is unconscious, let's get back to talking about nail polish or fingernails or whatever. But first a song by our temporary band: Sex-Day Flecks!
This is the point during the show where their weird-ass band plays. HONESTLY to whom does this garbage appeal? I am so completely over The Talk and I hope that you are too. Let's get together and start a letter writing campaign to get this off the air ASAP. PLEASE!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Top 50 (2010)
I'm sure you all remember my Top 50 list of 2009. Well, it is with great pleasure that I share with you the current 50 things I'm into nowadays. THIS TIME I've included links! Excuse the all the wikipedia sources, I'm lazy:
50. Psychometry
49. Post-Cognition
48. MooMooDusa and the Blue Lagoon
47. 2nd, 3rd, and 4th reality
46. The Holocene Extinction
45. Ululation
44. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
43. John Waters
42. Projected Thermography
41. Halloween
40. St. Bernadette
39. Inedia (Breatharianism)
38. iCarly
37. The Talk
36. Mileena (from Mortal Kombat)
35. Ms. Marvel
34. Beach Bitch Bimbo: The Movie (3D)
33. Rosemary's Baby
32. Hyenas
31. Mothra Stewart
30. Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island
29. Lion's Mane Jellyfish
28. Abstract Expressionism
27. Atlas Lion/Nubian Lion/Barbary Lion
26. Husk
25. Godzilla
24. The Roman Ritual (specifically Exorcism)
23. Creature from the Black Lagoon
22. Nandi Bears
21. Black String
20. She-Hulk
19. Dodos
18. Decoupage
17. Psylocke
16. Amy Greenhouse
15. The Walking Dead
14. M.O.D.O.K
13. Patti Smith
12. Sloths
11. Angelina Pivarnick
10. Luigi
9. The Vulture
8. Lydia Lunch
7. Left 4 Dead
6. Cthulhu
5. Irish Elk (Giant Deer)
4. Dazzler
3. Retro-futurism
2. Cosmic Indifference (Cosmicism)
1. Mileena (the cat)
50. Psychometry
49. Post-Cognition
48. MooMooDusa and the Blue Lagoon
47. 2nd, 3rd, and 4th reality
46. The Holocene Extinction
45. Ululation
44. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
43. John Waters
42. Projected Thermography
41. Halloween
40. St. Bernadette
39. Inedia (Breatharianism)
38. iCarly
37. The Talk
36. Mileena (from Mortal Kombat)
35. Ms. Marvel
34. Beach Bitch Bimbo: The Movie (3D)
33. Rosemary's Baby
32. Hyenas
31. Mothra Stewart
30. Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island
29. Lion's Mane Jellyfish
28. Abstract Expressionism
27. Atlas Lion/Nubian Lion/Barbary Lion
26. Husk
25. Godzilla
24. The Roman Ritual (specifically Exorcism)
23. Creature from the Black Lagoon
22. Nandi Bears
21. Black String
20. She-Hulk
19. Dodos
18. Decoupage
17. Psylocke
16. Amy Greenhouse
15. The Walking Dead
14. M.O.D.O.K
13. Patti Smith
12. Sloths
11. Angelina Pivarnick
10. Luigi
9. The Vulture
8. Lydia Lunch
7. Left 4 Dead
6. Cthulhu
5. Irish Elk (Giant Deer)
4. Dazzler
3. Retro-futurism
2. Cosmic Indifference (Cosmicism)
1. Mileena (the cat)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
LAWLESSNESS!
There was a time when ABC Family was the pinnacle of television entertainment. The afternoon line-up included Full House, Step by Step, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and even Family Matters. Well, I am sad to have to be the one to tell you that those days are now behind us, but I want you all to know I didn't allow this to happen without a fight.
It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.
First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.
Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.
And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.
I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.
It is a fact that "with great power comes great responsibility" and so when I heard that ABC Family was replacing my usual afternoon programming with the most unwatchable trash this side of Fox News I knew that I had an obligation to get involved. For the children, yes, but also for the full grown adults who enjoy watching the same 5 seasons of a show on a loop for a decade.
First they came for Family Matters. We all know that Myrtle Urkel is a close personal friend/confidante of mine and let me tell you she called me scream crying at 3 a.m. saying that the assholes at ABC would no longer be showing Family Matters. Thankfully I was working on The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island at the time, so I was able to offer her a helping hand and get her on that show, but I learned later that week that Aunt Rachel was found dead in her apartment, apparently having committed suicide. I'm no sure what happened to her awful child, but he always sucked so I don't care.
Next they came for Step by Step. That's when I knew I had to resort to terrorism. Normally I'm an American hero, but once they start fucking with my shows all pretext of patriotism goes right out the window and I get serious about kidnapping heiresses and brainwashing them into robbing banks. I decided then and there that I would re-form the Symbionese Liberation Army. I noted that Paris Hilton, some kind of motel people's kid or something, happened to have the same initials as Patty Hearst, the S.L.A.'s original kidnap victim turned evil through the power of hypnosis. I contacted Amy Greenhouse, Joan Cusack, and the rest of my All-Girl Goon Squad and by 9:15 that night we had Paris in the trunk of Amy's car. About a year ago I read a book called Michelle Remembers, so I figured I was the most qualified to hypnotize Paris into doing our bidding and getting Step by Step back on at its regular time. I spent over 2 HOURS attempting to brainwash her, but she just kept kind of quietly asking me to stop it and then texted the police. We fled the scene and yes we are wanted criminals but what's important is that the plan FAILED and Step by Step was bumped into oblivion.
And then they came for Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONLY ON AT 5:30 AM????? Am I in Hell? Drastic measures were called for. Me and the All-Girl Goon Squad stormed the ABC Family Fortress. Full House was all we had left, and I thought of little Michelle as I threw a stapler at a person in a suit who I thought was a CEO or something similar. Well, luck was NOT on my side because that person was NOT a CEO and had just been fired. He tried to rip my arms off but Amy Greenhouse and Lydia Lunch stuck him with pens and then we all ran out of the building.
I had tried terrorism, I had tried overt violence, I was running out of ideas! But then it came to me: A LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! So I went onto youtube and crapped out a viral video about Full House being awesome and it really caught on! Before long, ABC family was flooded with Full House fan mail! It was then that they declared that Full House would remain in it's current time slot "for the time being." SUCCESS! At last! Though I mourn the loss of Sabrina and Step by Step, Family Matters is still on TV Land...I think...I don't watch that channel. But we'll always have Full House.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR OWN HOME
Hi everyone. I feel bad not updating for a while but I have been very busy working on several projects INCLUDING Beach Bitch Bimbo: The Movie (3D) and as a result have not had time to blog. You know how it is...or at least you would know how it is if you were more creative and interesting.
In addition to 3B-3D I've been spending quite a bit of time attempting to train my precious heaven-child puss puss Mileena. A lot of unskilled laborers will insist that cats can't be trained, or, to be more specific, that cats can't be trained to protect you and your family from unexpected danger. To those people I say "Shut yr fucking liar mouth, you worthless piece of human garbage." Maybe some people are unable to train their cats, but I'm not "some people". I'm one person. And I know science!
At this moment I'm not exactly sure how I can link knowing science to training cats to defend their owners, but maybe it involves synapses and Pavlov and blahblahblah...LOOK there is most likely a connection and if people can use science as an excuse to talk about bullshit, then so can I.
When I was developing the curriculum I wanted to make sure that I wasn't focusing on the dangers you are most likely to come up against at home (falling down stairs, electrocution, fire, and home invasion if Brinks Security ads are to be believed). There's already so much outreach regarding the dangers of electricity and fire, and don't even get me started on the FAST campaign (Face/Arm/Speech/Time) to recognize symptoms of a stroke. I feel like most people are sufficiently prepared to deal with that crap as best they can without feline assistance.
But what about a sudden grizzly shark attack? It happens. How about Alien Abductions? Ghosts? Demonic Possession? Doppelgangers? Bigfoot? Conservative Hydra? Gender discrimination? Zombies? Who can you turn to when the shit really hits the fan? A lot of people might think the police, 911, the FBI, or even God. And that's why a lot of people wind up dead or traumatized as a direct result of paranormal activity.
Obviously when dealing with the paranormal cats are the ideal guardians. That's why witches were so into them (FACT). So HOW exactly did I train Mileena? I'm glad you asked.
First, I talked to her in great detail about the difference between good and evil. You can tell that a cat is paying attention to what yr saying if its immediate reaction is to ignore you. Of course we all know that most cats are illiterate, and with Mileena being a rescue kitty originally sold more-than-half starved at a yard sale in Lynn, she didn't have the same opportunities available to cats in more nurturing environments. Illiteracy is a problem, however my years of Social Work education have trained me to see things from a "strengths perspective" so instead of judging Mileena for being unable to recite the alphabet, let alone read, I embraced her deficiency. She may not have learned how to read, but she learned how to defend herself on the mean streets of Lynn, giving her a much needed edge over any villains foolish enough to set their sights on her (and me). I set fire to the self-help book for cats I wrote titled Home Defense for Pussies and refocused my energy on keeping Mileena in the room while I played scary movies.
Cats are visual learners. Everybody knows this, but only a few of us are brave enough to admit it publicly. For this reason I concluded that movies were the perfect medium for expressing the terror unleashed upon humans by strange beings. The way my house is set up it was a little tricky making sure she stayed in front of the television, but I put down a little Fancy Feast and she immediately realized that she would be rewarded for watching tv (I told you there was probably some Pavlov involved, didn't I?)
So. First we watched my VHS copy of Jaws 2 to better understand ocean-based threats, followed by Robocop so Mileena would be able to understand the horrors of corporations and Detroit. Then we watched Day of the Dead to deal with zombies/post-apocalypse scenarios. After that we watched a little Daria because I spent $50 on the 8-disk DVD set and there was probably something she could learn from it.
Tomorrow we begin phase 2 of the training program, where I will show Mileena Poltergeist and The Exorcist so she learns how to keep me safe from intangible enemies.
And for my critics, should there be any: since beginning this training with Mileena I have not encountered anything paranormal. What more proof do you need?
In addition to 3B-3D I've been spending quite a bit of time attempting to train my precious heaven-child puss puss Mileena. A lot of unskilled laborers will insist that cats can't be trained, or, to be more specific, that cats can't be trained to protect you and your family from unexpected danger. To those people I say "Shut yr fucking liar mouth, you worthless piece of human garbage." Maybe some people are unable to train their cats, but I'm not "some people". I'm one person. And I know science!
At this moment I'm not exactly sure how I can link knowing science to training cats to defend their owners, but maybe it involves synapses and Pavlov and blahblahblah...LOOK there is most likely a connection and if people can use science as an excuse to talk about bullshit, then so can I.
When I was developing the curriculum I wanted to make sure that I wasn't focusing on the dangers you are most likely to come up against at home (falling down stairs, electrocution, fire, and home invasion if Brinks Security ads are to be believed). There's already so much outreach regarding the dangers of electricity and fire, and don't even get me started on the FAST campaign (Face/Arm/Speech/Time) to recognize symptoms of a stroke. I feel like most people are sufficiently prepared to deal with that crap as best they can without feline assistance.
But what about a sudden grizzly shark attack? It happens. How about Alien Abductions? Ghosts? Demonic Possession? Doppelgangers? Bigfoot? Conservative Hydra? Gender discrimination? Zombies? Who can you turn to when the shit really hits the fan? A lot of people might think the police, 911, the FBI, or even God. And that's why a lot of people wind up dead or traumatized as a direct result of paranormal activity.
Obviously when dealing with the paranormal cats are the ideal guardians. That's why witches were so into them (FACT). So HOW exactly did I train Mileena? I'm glad you asked.
First, I talked to her in great detail about the difference between good and evil. You can tell that a cat is paying attention to what yr saying if its immediate reaction is to ignore you. Of course we all know that most cats are illiterate, and with Mileena being a rescue kitty originally sold more-than-half starved at a yard sale in Lynn, she didn't have the same opportunities available to cats in more nurturing environments. Illiteracy is a problem, however my years of Social Work education have trained me to see things from a "strengths perspective" so instead of judging Mileena for being unable to recite the alphabet, let alone read, I embraced her deficiency. She may not have learned how to read, but she learned how to defend herself on the mean streets of Lynn, giving her a much needed edge over any villains foolish enough to set their sights on her (and me). I set fire to the self-help book for cats I wrote titled Home Defense for Pussies and refocused my energy on keeping Mileena in the room while I played scary movies.
Cats are visual learners. Everybody knows this, but only a few of us are brave enough to admit it publicly. For this reason I concluded that movies were the perfect medium for expressing the terror unleashed upon humans by strange beings. The way my house is set up it was a little tricky making sure she stayed in front of the television, but I put down a little Fancy Feast and she immediately realized that she would be rewarded for watching tv (I told you there was probably some Pavlov involved, didn't I?)
So. First we watched my VHS copy of Jaws 2 to better understand ocean-based threats, followed by Robocop so Mileena would be able to understand the horrors of corporations and Detroit. Then we watched Day of the Dead to deal with zombies/post-apocalypse scenarios. After that we watched a little Daria because I spent $50 on the 8-disk DVD set and there was probably something she could learn from it.
Tomorrow we begin phase 2 of the training program, where I will show Mileena Poltergeist and The Exorcist so she learns how to keep me safe from intangible enemies.
And for my critics, should there be any: since beginning this training with Mileena I have not encountered anything paranormal. What more proof do you need?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Iä! Iä! St. Richard Fhtagn!
Well well well. I can trust this to be 100% accurate because I found it on the internet. I copied and pasted my blog post "terror, trauma, turmoil, and the will to stay alive" here and take a gander at my results:
I'd be a lot happier if he wasn't such a racist pig, but I'm not going to front like he's not one of my favorite authors. Because fuck you, he is.
I'd be a lot happier if he wasn't such a racist pig, but I'm not going to front like he's not one of my favorite authors. Because fuck you, he is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)