Otherkin

Identity. Ugh.

Roseannanon

Guess what, America? I GOT THE INTERNET AT MY HOUSE. That's fuckin right, now I don't have to update 3B in secret while I'm supposed to be working. I have had so many adventures/great ideas that I have meaning to blog about but keep forgetting to so AT LAST you'll be able to hear about them!

But before I get to the laughs, levity, and good times that you're so accustomed to I need to take a moment to talk to you all about some very serious business. I'm talking about Roseanne Barr.

Right off the bat, I want to be clear: I LOVE ROSEANNE. She's hilarious and crazy which are two of my favorite things a person can be. She is especially wonderful on Twitter, where she retweets somebody named RAW_Vegan a lot and talks endlessly about Monsanto, banks, and the things she would do if/when she's the President.

But here's the thing: Her brand of crazy is not always fun. It's not like Courtney Love or even Amanda Bynes. It's slightly more tempered but often results in her tweeting "Your Mother's a Whore" at people who don't agree with her 100% of the time. I could totally be okay with that under normal circumstances but during a recent Twitter feud Roseanne was having with Lindy West, a blogger for "feminist" site Jezebel, a friend of mine was pulled into the drama and, I'm sad to say, she has suffered the consequences of Roseanne's wrath.

My friend Katie Ryan, who you all may know from one of her many television appearances including her Emmy-nominated role as Cousin Greta from season two of Step by Step, Emma Winter from the short-lived ABC Family series The Garden Blooms, and Comedy Central's Roast of Paul Reiser, was at one point a strong supporter of Roseanne's shenanigans (Roseannagins?). She and I would marvel at Roseanne's insights into such heavy topics as poverty, bio-engineering, government corruption, and what Darlene is up to nowadays. We found inspiration in her strength and courage as we witnessed her standing up to those who would criticize her by accusing them of being rapists and/or pedophiles. Roseanne alone had the strength to come out against the masses and say, loudly and proudly, that George Zimmerman was guilty of murder.

Then, one day, Lindy West came onto the scene. She had appeared on some tv or internet show that I can't remember the name of because it doesn't start with "The Real Housewives of..." to discuss rape jokes. Lindy was basically saying that comedians have a right to tell rape jokes BUT non-horrible people have the right to criticize them for doing so. It seems reasonable to me, but I'm not anywhere near Roseanne's level of social consciousness. What Roseanne got out of Lindy's opinion was: CENSORSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!1! Roseanne took to Twitter (where she lives) to tell Lindy to gtfo.

Roseanne's not into censorship, people. NOT EVER. Unless we're talking about censoring internet comments on Jezebel, in which case she's really into it. It's a difficult logic to follow, but then again, I can't pretend to understand the inner workings of any true genius' brain. Katie, being a fan of both Roseanne and Lindy, was fascinated by the thoughtful dialogue that was going on between Roseanne and Lindy on Twitter. She sent out a tweet saying as much, and what do you think happened?

SHE WAS BLOCKED BY ROSEANNE.

Devastated, Katie called me to see if I could talk any sense into Roseanne. Fearful of meeting a similar fate, I declined to get involved. Katie knew the risks in tweeting anything at Roseanne. Now it was time to deal with the consequences.

But then Katie did some research. As it turns out, being blocked by Roseanne is a startlingly common occurrence. Katie figured out that nearly 1/3 of American Twitter users will be blocked and/or verbally assaulted by Roseanne this year alone. These truly astonishing findings shook Katie to her very core. If this could happen to her, a well-adjusted young actress with a strong dedication to justice, just imagine the impact being blocked by Roseanne could have on, for example, LGBTQ youth, homeless veterans, or any of a number of at-risk groups. It was with those concerns that Katie founded Roseannanon, the country's first and largest blocked-by-Roseanne-on-Twitter support network.

Roseannanon was initially started as a support group for those who have been blocked by Roseanne on Twitter but in the weeks since it was founded it has grown into a national organization with community outreach, advocacy, and a variety of counseling services. It is through Roseannanon that those who have suffered in their inability to read Roseanne's 823 tweets a day have found healing and support from others who have shared similar experiences.

"It's not just about the sense of loss those of us who've been blocked experience." says Katie, "It's about life after Roseanne. It's about finding a way to move forward. It's about healing and hope."

More like ParaWHOREmal Activity

I was doing some reading on one of my favorite subjects, DEMONS, when I stumbled across an article about ZoZo. First of all DON'T SAY ITS NAME OUT LOUD!!!! That might summon it and then yr in for a world of hurt. Well, not so much a world of hurt as a series of loud noises late at night and maybe a scratch. ZoZo, who also goes by ZaZa and some other Z-themed names is the most attention starved demon out there. I'd feel bad for it if it didn't solely exist to inflict terrible pain on humanity.

Based on my research (2 Google searches) I can tell you that ZoZo shows up at 1 in every 2 Ouija Board sessions. Apparently ZoZo ain't got no damn job. Or perhaps its job is harassing Ouija Board users. Can you get paid for that? Where do I apply? Monster.com????? (Get it?)

So when ZoZo shows up trouble isn't far behind. I read a bunch of 100% factually accurate reports from teens who had accidentally come in contact with ZoZo and it seems like this demon is all about harassment. For whatever reason the teens seemed to think that every little thing was some manifestation of terrible evil. Clearly these idiots have never read CROSSED because my idea of torment is significantly different from theirs. They'd see a shadow and feel like their whole world is falling down around them. Teens. Ugh. So dramatic. This isn't to say that ZoZo is all lollipops and rainbows but WANTING to do harm is different from actually CAUSING harm.

I'm going to buy a Ouija Board today and tell ZoZo to start doing my bidding or else I'm reporting him to the Catholic Church. Demons hate hearing boring Catholic babbling almost as much as I do.

My Brain Exploded

I'm writing to you from beyond the grave. As you know, I used to be alive. That changed when I heard a song called "Accidental Racist" by Brad Paisley (ft. LL Cool J). It is the worst thing that has ever happened to music and it LITERALLY MURDERED ME. I'm communicating to you now just like Ghost Writer but the difference is that the only mystery I'm trying to solve is WHO ALLOWED THIS SONG TO HAPPEN??? God is dead. Music is over.

Okay. Well. Okay. Where to start? So a couple of days ago I saw some article on Buzzfeed about Brad Paisley and LL Cool J ending racism but I didn't bother reading it because COME ON. I don't even know who Brad Paisley is.

Then this morning my friend Katie texted me and told me to listen to it. I headed over to youtube and watched it. Now all music is ruined forever. I'm not going to offer a link because I don't want you all to die but here's a conversation I had about it with my roommate/international pop superstar Amy Greenhouse:

me:  ALSO OH MY GOD ACCIDENTAL RACIST FBKLBNFDZKLHNFKLBHNFDL

have you heard it?

 Amy:  omg

omg omg

i was just about to talk to you about it

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brad_paisley/accidental_racist.html

 me:  Katie sent me a text about it and my brain exploded. this is my ghost talking to you

 Amy:  i haven't had the chance to read more than the first two paragraphs

hahaha

katie told me to look it up

richie. it's the worst thing that's ever

don't judge my gold chains and i'll forget the iron chains

 me:  no, i know. it officially ruined all music forever. i'd throw my iphone in the trash if it wasn't also my phone

 Amy:  hahahahaha

omg it's so the worst

i just

i just can't

i can't even

i don't know where to begin!

 me:  the part that's like.."If you don't judge my do-rag/I won't judge your red flag" killed me. it LITERALLY murdered me.

THOSE THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!

 Amy:  I KNOW!

i't's

i just

i can't.

i can't!

 Sent at 12:20 PM on Tuesday

 Amy:  i mean seriously

like....really ll? what the fuck! also brad paisley, stfu!

 me:  i can't

nothing means anything anymore

RIP Robert E. Lee

Demonic Weekend

I've got a trick up my sleeve ya slaggy hags. I'm going to spend the weekend pretending to be possessed by a demon. I haven't decided on what demon exactly...there are so many good choices! Pazuzu is the obvious choice. I loved its work in the Exorcist series.There's...Abalam, is it? The one from The Last Exorcism. Emily Rose had like 6 demons in her and although they had a pretty good resume considering the people they got all up inside of I want to have a name-brand demon. Let's think...there's a demon named Amy. But that seems unfair to Amy Greenhouse. She's already been through so much this year I don't want her to feel picked on. Behemoth is a good one. Leviathan has a snazzy name and good brand recognition. I could shock everyone and go for a Lovecraft creature. Nyarlathotep, Cthulhu, etc. Eh. Maybe.

I think I'm going to go with Marquis Sabnock. Here's some info from Wikipedia:

Sabnock (also spelled Sab Nac, Sabnac, Sabnach, Sabnack, Sabnacke, Salmac and Savnock) is a mighty Great Marquis of Hell, who has 50 legions of demons under his command. He builds high towers, castles and cities, furnishing them with weapons, ammunition, etc., gives good familiars, and can afflict men for several days making their wounds and sores gangrenous or filling them with worms.
Sabnock is depicted as a soldier with armor and weapons, the head of a lion, and riding a pale horse.

Now THAT is a man's demon. Okay, so I'm going to start the trickery around 3 a.m. Saturday. A few knocking sounds here and there. Moving the furniture around in the kitchen and living room. Climbing up into may attic where I'll leave a half burned photograph as me as a child, preferably in my first communion outfit.

Then, to get the community involved, I'll vandalize the church next door to my house. I'll sneak in during mass and hide so after they close I can add a giant dick to their Mary statue and turn the crucifix upside down. Ohhh and replace all the hymnals with Lydia Lunch songs.

During the day on Saturday I'll start making strange phone calls to me friends. I will occasionally threaten them or say things in Latin or German or just whatever slightly language sounding noises I can make on the spot. By the time my roommate, Amy Greenhouse, returns home from work she'll find every appliance in the house turned on, as well as all the faucets. I'll rock back and forth gently under the kitchen table softly singing "I'm On Fire". I'll pretend not to notice her at first but as soon as she reaches out in an attempt to help me I'll bite her hand and scream. like SCREAM. Wicked loud.

 I'll continue acting increasingly strange and use the powers of makeup and deliberate self harm to transform into a grotesque caricature of my former self. I will stick a crucifix up my butt while yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU" After that point, I'm sure we can all agree, I'll need to be tied to the bed.

Sunday morning, in a moment of brief clarity I'll beg for those present to bring in a priest. They'll come on in with their holy water, etc. and I'll laugh and say horrible things to them. Then, just as they're about to start, I'll yell "JUUUUUUSSSSTTTTT KIDDING!!!!!!!!!"

We'll all have a good laugh and that will be that.

Goons and Goblins

The Goons and Goblins who protest outside the Planned Parenthood on Comm Ave are endlessly entertaining. That's because of privilege. I'm a guy and I don't have to deal with the reality of street harassment. I mean, people have been known to yell "Faggot!!!" at me out of moving vehicles but that's really not the same thing. And I'm not just complaining about the Christian Soldiers. There's also the whole "Hey baby SMILE FOR ME" people. And the straight up monsters who say whatever vulgar business pops into their brain. Poor boundaries, poorer filters. I can roll my eyes all I want. They're not coming for me.

The reason I bring this up is because I had a fantastic plan to put "Fist Me" signs on the backs of the protesters while pretending to engage them in Jesus conversations. I thought it was clever. It would be a delightful scene in some kind of sketch comedy scenario but in real life it would be a public display of male privilege that's completely in line with the "HEY GIRL LET ME HOLLA AT YOU" bullshit that already permeates the every day lives of people I care about.

As a hero and role model to millions, I owe the world better than that.

things to look forward to on 3B in 2013

You are so fucking lucky. Really. So incredibly blessed and fortunate to be among the first to read this here post about all the exciting things to look forward to on Beach Bitch Bimbo this year.

I know what yr thinking. It's something like "OH HELLLLL NO! You barely updated 3B at all in 2012!!!!!"

Sadly, this is true but times they are a changin'. I finally bought a damn computer so I will be updating with much more frequency. REJOICE! My brain is overflowing with good ideas and tender musings to both challenge and delight you. Here's a sample of what you can look forward to....

• Sister Act Fan Fiction
• The unveiling of the newest members of my All-Girl Goon Squad
• Probably a bunch of lists
• More Twitter Feuds
• More Jean Grey
• MORE AMERICAN HEROISM
• Something skimpy (for the fellas)
• Something ribbed (for her pleasure)
• 3B:3D hits theaters
• Secular Gay Fascism
• The return of 31 Days of Halloween Costume Suggestions/Demands

Are you excited? That's a stupid fucking question. Of course you are. PEOPLE GET READY

Seltz

I was just looking back through my Beach Bitch Bimbo files and realized I never got to Part 2 of my thrilling expose into the perpetual lie that is dreaming. Listen up, I've had a lapse is research. I'm sorry. You can be certain that I will probably never mention dreams or the liars who claim them ever again. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I did want to address a topic that has caused quite a stir over at the Hall of Justice, where I reside. I'm sure you all remember Amy Greenhouse? International pop superstar, tabloid favorite, model, and leader of the All Girl Goon Squad? Ring any bells for ya?

Okay, well Amy lives with me and the rest of the Goon Squad at the Hall of Justice in Everett, Massachusetts. I am so sad to have to be the one to break this news to you but it seems that Ms. Greenhouse has been suffering from a debilitating addiction to Seltzer. When she gets the itch for that Seltz nothing on this planet can substitute her need for carbonated water. AND THE FLAVORS! Sinister combinations like Vanilla Pear and Triple Berry. It's sick. The effect it has had on her physical and mental health, not to mention her career, has been devastating. She used to sing beautiful songs and pretend to be a mermaid. Now she just mumbles about the "billions of bubbles" she hopes to consume while rocking back and forth on the floor of our living room.

I've scheduled an intervention. You are all welcome to join. We can't allow another life be taken by this fizzy death cocktail.

All Girl Goon Squad Recruitment Drive 2012/2013

Hi. Okay. So.Can I holla at you? I'm thinking about expanding my circle of friends who are also henchwomen. Are you interested in joining my All Girl Goon Squad? The only requirements are that you identify as a woman and are willing to help me in my quest of trickery. Also, you need to be willing to join the Secular Gay Fascist Agenda.

Get at me if yr interested.

Yeah, I caused a hurricane. DEAL WITH IT

Ugh, I just accidentally inhaled a huge blob of wasabi and I can barely function but I am determined to update you people on the insidious horrors I've unleashed onto the world. So, hey, what's up East Coast folks? Did you notice that there was a hurricane yesterday? A lot of scientists will try to tell you that it was caused by low pressure areas forming over warm oceans and blahblahblahblah but we all know that scientists just make shit up to shield you from the terrible truth. I have no such qualms and would like to let you know what really caused Hurricane Sandy: GAY PEOPLE.

Well, not just gay people.Lesbians, Bisexuals, Trans* people, and all other sexual minorities teamed up with abortions to fuck shit up. You might wonder how I know about this. As leader of the Secular Gay Fascist Agenda Committee for a Pro-Choice Planet I have insider knowledge of this nefarious plot to make it rain for a while and maybe knock some trees down. See, what we do is we synchronize our sexual activity, resulting in millions of angels sobbing all at once (that's where rain comes from). Then we head over to volunteer at Planned Parenthood and/or public schools (where we recruit). God is so shocked at our brazen behavior that she lets out a gasp (that's where the wind comes from).

That's right, America, The Gays were behind this storm. And you can rest assured that there will be more gay-related aborticanes. You've been warned.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Omniscience Isn't Real

Is window shopping still a thing? Was it ever really a thing? There are some questions that just don't have answers. As we all know, I like to consider myself an authority on all matters. From the heavy hitters like "Is there a God?" (Yes, and she's a dick) to the more trivial "Does this match?" (Everything matches, bimbo) I'm well-regarded in most social and political circles as the guy with sassy answers to some of life's biggest mysteries. To quote the late, great, biblical scholar Layla Miller..."I know stuff." It's both a blessing and a curse. Some of what I know comes from my precognitive abilities. Some of it comes from my uncanny detective mastery. Some of it is my innate gift to just know.

Being a one-man moral minority comes with a lot of stress but I do my best to get by. With great power comes great responsibility, as you would know if you had any power at all. I try to use my gifts for good whenever possible, but lately I've found that some questions just don't have answers. Why does corn smell so good? Where does Bigfoot sleep? Why is the sky blue? Okay, that last one has an answer but here's a follow up that doesn't: Who cares?

Now listen, I know yr faith in me must be shaken. I get it. However, I am still more than capable of answering 97% of questions with 12% accuracy. That's something.

Dark Visions

I was recently infected with an alien virus known colloquially as "strep throat". While battling a fever of approximately 190 degrees I began to suffer dark visions of a world to come. Those of you who know me personally understand that dark visions are nothing unusual for a precognitive such as myself, however the level of clarity I experienced was unprecedented. I'm not sure what to make of the scenes of unbridled torment and burning pits of sulfur I glimpsed in my fevered state. It's a good thing I don't believe in global warming or this prophecy might be particularly concerning. As it is, I honestly could have been seeing Arizona. That place is AWFUL.

Dream Skeptic (Part One)

If there's one thing that I know with absolute certainty it's that people love to babble on about their stupid fucking dreams. It's always some contrived crap about owning a home or squirting out babies or some other nonsense I am morally opposed to. Sometimes it's in a Martin Luther King Jr. "I have a dream..." kinda way, and it's like...I get it. Lovely. How very altruistic of you. Congrats. But recently it was brought to my attention that many people claim that dreams are something that goes on while yr sleeping. What utter garbage.

Let's examine these claims. I want to make sure I'm understanding it all properly. So, yr asleep. It's the middle of the night. And seemingly random scenes play out in yr head? Flying around or being chased by Freddy Krueger or something? And you want me to believe that that's normal? Nice try, weirdos, but no fucking dice. I've got a few theories on these imaginary "sleep movies" people pretend they're experiencing; the first of which is that people are just flat out making this shit up. Here I am, 28 years old, and I have never experienced one of these bouts of sleep delusion. I think maybe it's like religion. People go on and on about some old, bearded, usually white for some reason, guy who lives in the sky. With all his ultimate power the most pressing matters this dude ("God") attends to are making people win Super Bowls and hating fun. No matter how much or how often I point out that this is obviously bullshit people keep on insisting that he's real. Maybe that's the deal with dreams. Intellectually people understand they're making it up but after years of cultural brainwashing they feel the need to lie to themselves and, by extension, the rest of the world. I think that it's entirely possible that dreams are just some giant self-perpetuating joke humanity plays on itself.

Another theory I have is a bit more simplistic: good old fashioned mental illness. We all know that crazy people are highly influential so it would make sense that some people would want to "fit in" by pretending to be crazy. Teenagers do it all the time. If this make-believe cycle goes on unchecked, before you know it you have an entire planet insisting things play inside their head while they sleep.

(To be continued in Dream Skeptic Part 2...coming soon!)

SPORTZ

I will buy a computer in the near future and update more frequently, however in the mean time yr just going to have to cope with only getting updates tri-monthly or so. I know it's hard, but thus is life.


I dyed my hair red so I can be more like feminist icon/American hero Jean Grey. It's part of my ongoing campaign to have Grey Day declared an official holiday. Speaking of official holidays, today is Patriots Day here in Massachusetts and although I'm honored to be among the patriots being celebrated I can't help but feel that my limelight is being stolen YET AGAIN by sports.

Have you heard of the Boston Marathon? It's some twenty-five mile run that people come from all over the world to participate in. There must be an awesome fucking prize because we're talking about RUNNING. You can basically run anywhere. Even if you live in a tiny room chained to a wall in a serial killer's basement chances are you can at least run in place. The foolishness of the human race never ceases to amaze me. The only time I'd even consider running is if I was being chased by a ghoul or if there was a buy one pack, get another free sale on cigarettes. In addition to this horrid little race, there's another, more sinister sporting event taking place. I'm talking about baseball, the worst of all the sports. Apparently the Red Sox (nice team name, by the way...really must strike fear in yr opponents) are "playing" tonight as well. Did you notice how I put "playing" in quotes? That's because 99% of that damn game is just standing around hoping balls get thrown towards you. It's like cruising but way more boring, and in my opinion also less safe.

So here I am, trying to enjoy Patriots Day. A day dedicated to HEROES (like ME) and instead I'm faced with thousands of trashbag sports people taking up space on the Green Line and asking me for directions to Kenmore. BIG MISTAKE, I directed them to Dudley Station instead. Good luck, family!

Current Events

Today I saw a woman slip on a banana peel and fall on the ground in Boston. I'm not making this up. I didn't do anything to help her but I'm sure you can forgive me since I was in a rush to get to Qdoba and I would hate to think I interfered with some kind of hidden camera prank.

Also making headlines this morning is...actually I don't have anything to follow that up with. I haven't stopped to pick up a newspaper and internet news is too many clicks away right now but I did read yesterday that Seal and Heidi Klum are breaking up. So there's that.

I also read that a guy named Newt Gingrich something something South Carolina. I'm liking his subversive take on "family values" but he looks like an anthropomorphic pig and I think that might distract voters who fear the slippery slope of devolution  that we all know is common amongst divorcees.

Y'know what?  This is basically the pity-handy of blog updates. Neither of us really want to be here right now so have a nice day or whatever BYYYYEEEEEEEE

Plebeians is Right. YUCK!

So my dear friend Laura, who you may know from such stirring Lifetime movies as "Mother May I" and "Starting Over: The Laurie Metcalf Story", decided to write a scathing piece over at Squints, her online blog website, regarding my bitter hatred of Burning Man. I have decided to respond to her post because a.) I am completely correct all the time in everything I say and b.) OH NO SHE DIDN'T.

Here's something to think about: Burning Man is absolutely the worst. I would hope that the average 3B reader would see that last sentence and immediately respond with "Well OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!" but apparently I think more highly of you all than you deserve. Here's some reasons why Burning Man is atrocious. If you don't agree I'm sorry but you are mentally ill.

• feathers
• sand
• nudity
• drums
• vague musings on "freedom" and (gag) "spirituality"
• transcendence
• rocks
• the pathetic yearnings of the rich and aspiring rich
• hive mind individuality
• fire
• effigies
• cars
• sex
• drugs
• the horrifying idea that anything can be art
• dancing
• fur (fake or real, it's all a damn shame)

Let me put it in a way that really drives home my point. If someone said that I either had to go to Burning Man or Gathering of the Juggalos, and keep in mind that suicide is not an option, I wouldn't need even a second to make up my mind. Hand me some face paint and some big pants and send in the fucking clowns.

Just Checking In

Heavens to Betsy it's been quite a while since I've posted. I apologize, dear readers, from the bottom of my heart. I got a new job and haven't really had the time or consistent internet access to update 3B. I know how hurt you must be but please bear with me because I've got shocking news that is as good as it is potentially insanity-inducing.

My roommate, Amy Greenhouse, got herself a new cat. His name is Dalek and while he's certainly a precious angel-baby sent from Heaven to cure us both of this crushing loneliness we call life I feel compelled to inform you that he is not as precious angel-baby-ish as Mileena. I mean, he's certainly a delight to have around but he's not exactly what I'd label "Calendar Material". I'm hoping that he's willing to learn to play the bass because Fancy Beast is still on hiatus since Puff Puff went to jail.

In other news, how was yr Halloween? Did you dress up? I fucking hope so. I have zero tolerance for people who begrudge me the opportunity to enjoy a good costume. Did you go as something sexy? If yr a woman (or woman-identified) I know there's a lot of pressure to show people various secondary sex characteristics on Halloween. I don't blame you if you caved under the pressure, but I truly hope you at least thought outside of the box (so to speak). Anything can be sexy with the right amount of effort.

No, wait, that's not true at all. I can think of several things that can't/shouldn't be sexy. I'm tempted to put them here in list form but c'mon people, I'm 27 years old. I think at this point in my social development I know better than to list various horrible things that shouldn't be sexy. Use yr own damn imagination. The internet is forever and I've got a career to think about.

Another Day in Everett

I have a long commute to work. Normally it isn't so bad. I have time to listen to music, plan my work day, and re-read World War Z for the 61st time. Today, though...well, today was different.

I live in Everett. It's, y'know, not AS bad as yr probably thinking if you know anything about Eastern Massachusetts. I mean, yeah I've had to wait in line at the convenience store for 15 minutes while some guy in dirty sweatpants bought $150 worth of scratch tickets and then started scratching them at the counter. And of course there was that one time I saw a full grown adult man hit a woman in the face because her car was blocking the crosswalk. Oh! And my downstairs neighbors got robbed in the middle of the day by a guy who used his bike as a getaway vehicle (yeah, he got arrested). But I like to think of Everett as my own personal Gotham City. How can I be a successful hero without a cesspool of crime to keep me occupied?

But then this happened.

I was on the bus because, hey kid, I'm a commuta. I didn't realize that school had started and so there were between six and seven hundred raggedy people on the bus with me. UGH. There was also so much fucking traffic that my normally 15-minute bus ride became an hour long ordeal. As terrible as this all was, I felt like I was managing my rage levels quite nicely. That is until I looked up and saw A GIANT FUCKING MOTH fluttering savagely around the bus. So obviously I fainted but the bus ride was so long that when I woke up we had barely moved six feet and that vile moth was still there. Watching. Waiting.

I thought about moving but the damn bus was so crowded that there was nowhere to go. I thought about murdering it but 1. Its friends would seek me out and exact their terrible revenge and 2. In order to kill it I'd have to get close to it which was just not going to happen.

With my options and time running out I did what any sane person would do. I told the old lady across from me that it had been crawling on her even though it hadn't. She looked up and saw the creature and smashed it with her BARE HAND. That either makes her the bravest or stupidest person I have ever encountered. I feel a little bad knowing that as I type this the deceased moth's brethren are no doubt plotting this woman's demise but she was really old and probably lived a good life...so there's that.

Toadette Found in Everett

Listen up people I've got some BREAKING NEWS: Toadette has been rescued!

Here's what happened. Matthew and I were on the porch smoking cigarettes. As we started back into my apartment I thought I heard a thumping noise followed by the muffled sound of "Help!" coming from the apartment below mine. The neighbors had moved out a few weeks ago and to the best of my knowledge nobody new had taken their place yet. Matthew and I cautiously entered the apartment, following the noise we had heard.

We followed the sound to a closet and what did we find inside...

Toadette Discovered

That's right, WE FOUND TOADETTE!

She was being held in a small cage-like thing, guarded by a Boo. Matthew was reunited with his friend but the story wasn't yet over...

Reunited at Last

When the culprit returned to the apartment, they must have seen the FBI outside because they fled. Later that day, while working with a search party to comb over the Everett area in search of the villain, Matthew and I entered Woodlawn cemetery on a hunch. That was were we found PuffPuff who, as it turns out, was NOT at a New England Tractor Trailer Training School orientation. That little bimbette was hiding out. Toadette positively identified her as the one who'd kidnapped her. She was promptly arrested and is being held at whatever lady-jail criminals from Everett wind up at (Cambridge maybe?)

CASE CLOSED!

ALSO

Did y'all catch me on Nancy Grace last night talking about Toadette's disappearance?