My Brain Exploded

I'm writing to you from beyond the grave. As you know, I used to be alive. That changed when I heard a song called "Accidental Racist" by Brad Paisley (ft. LL Cool J). It is the worst thing that has ever happened to music and it LITERALLY MURDERED ME. I'm communicating to you now just like Ghost Writer but the difference is that the only mystery I'm trying to solve is WHO ALLOWED THIS SONG TO HAPPEN??? God is dead. Music is over.

Okay. Well. Okay. Where to start? So a couple of days ago I saw some article on Buzzfeed about Brad Paisley and LL Cool J ending racism but I didn't bother reading it because COME ON. I don't even know who Brad Paisley is.

Then this morning my friend Katie texted me and told me to listen to it. I headed over to youtube and watched it. Now all music is ruined forever. I'm not going to offer a link because I don't want you all to die but here's a conversation I had about it with my roommate/international pop superstar Amy Greenhouse:

me:  ALSO OH MY GOD ACCIDENTAL RACIST FBKLBNFDZKLHNFKLBHNFDL

have you heard it?

 Amy:  omg

omg omg

i was just about to talk to you about it

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brad_paisley/accidental_racist.html

 me:  Katie sent me a text about it and my brain exploded. this is my ghost talking to you

 Amy:  i haven't had the chance to read more than the first two paragraphs

hahaha

katie told me to look it up

richie. it's the worst thing that's ever

don't judge my gold chains and i'll forget the iron chains

 me:  no, i know. it officially ruined all music forever. i'd throw my iphone in the trash if it wasn't also my phone

 Amy:  hahahahaha

omg it's so the worst

i just

i just can't

i can't even

i don't know where to begin!

 me:  the part that's like.."If you don't judge my do-rag/I won't judge your red flag" killed me. it LITERALLY murdered me.

THOSE THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!

 Amy:  I KNOW!

i't's

i just

i can't.

i can't!

 Sent at 12:20 PM on Tuesday

 Amy:  i mean seriously

like....really ll? what the fuck! also brad paisley, stfu!

 me:  i can't

nothing means anything anymore

RIP Robert E. Lee

Demonic Weekend

I've got a trick up my sleeve ya slaggy hags. I'm going to spend the weekend pretending to be possessed by a demon. I haven't decided on what demon exactly...there are so many good choices! Pazuzu is the obvious choice. I loved its work in the Exorcist series.There's...Abalam, is it? The one from The Last Exorcism. Emily Rose had like 6 demons in her and although they had a pretty good resume considering the people they got all up inside of I want to have a name-brand demon. Let's think...there's a demon named Amy. But that seems unfair to Amy Greenhouse. She's already been through so much this year I don't want her to feel picked on. Behemoth is a good one. Leviathan has a snazzy name and good brand recognition. I could shock everyone and go for a Lovecraft creature. Nyarlathotep, Cthulhu, etc. Eh. Maybe.

I think I'm going to go with Marquis Sabnock. Here's some info from Wikipedia:

Sabnock (also spelled Sab Nac, Sabnac, Sabnach, Sabnack, Sabnacke, Salmac and Savnock) is a mighty Great Marquis of Hell, who has 50 legions of demons under his command. He builds high towers, castles and cities, furnishing them with weapons, ammunition, etc., gives good familiars, and can afflict men for several days making their wounds and sores gangrenous or filling them with worms.
Sabnock is depicted as a soldier with armor and weapons, the head of a lion, and riding a pale horse.

Now THAT is a man's demon. Okay, so I'm going to start the trickery around 3 a.m. Saturday. A few knocking sounds here and there. Moving the furniture around in the kitchen and living room. Climbing up into may attic where I'll leave a half burned photograph as me as a child, preferably in my first communion outfit.

Then, to get the community involved, I'll vandalize the church next door to my house. I'll sneak in during mass and hide so after they close I can add a giant dick to their Mary statue and turn the crucifix upside down. Ohhh and replace all the hymnals with Lydia Lunch songs.

During the day on Saturday I'll start making strange phone calls to me friends. I will occasionally threaten them or say things in Latin or German or just whatever slightly language sounding noises I can make on the spot. By the time my roommate, Amy Greenhouse, returns home from work she'll find every appliance in the house turned on, as well as all the faucets. I'll rock back and forth gently under the kitchen table softly singing "I'm On Fire". I'll pretend not to notice her at first but as soon as she reaches out in an attempt to help me I'll bite her hand and scream. like SCREAM. Wicked loud.

 I'll continue acting increasingly strange and use the powers of makeup and deliberate self harm to transform into a grotesque caricature of my former self. I will stick a crucifix up my butt while yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU" After that point, I'm sure we can all agree, I'll need to be tied to the bed.

Sunday morning, in a moment of brief clarity I'll beg for those present to bring in a priest. They'll come on in with their holy water, etc. and I'll laugh and say horrible things to them. Then, just as they're about to start, I'll yell "JUUUUUUSSSSTTTTT KIDDING!!!!!!!!!"

We'll all have a good laugh and that will be that.

Goons and Goblins

The Goons and Goblins who protest outside the Planned Parenthood on Comm Ave are endlessly entertaining. That's because of privilege. I'm a guy and I don't have to deal with the reality of street harassment. I mean, people have been known to yell "Faggot!!!" at me out of moving vehicles but that's really not the same thing. And I'm not just complaining about the Christian Soldiers. There's also the whole "Hey baby SMILE FOR ME" people. And the straight up monsters who say whatever vulgar business pops into their brain. Poor boundaries, poorer filters. I can roll my eyes all I want. They're not coming for me.

The reason I bring this up is because I had a fantastic plan to put "Fist Me" signs on the backs of the protesters while pretending to engage them in Jesus conversations. I thought it was clever. It would be a delightful scene in some kind of sketch comedy scenario but in real life it would be a public display of male privilege that's completely in line with the "HEY GIRL LET ME HOLLA AT YOU" bullshit that already permeates the every day lives of people I care about.

As a hero and role model to millions, I owe the world better than that.

things to look forward to on 3B in 2013

You are so fucking lucky. Really. So incredibly blessed and fortunate to be among the first to read this here post about all the exciting things to look forward to on Beach Bitch Bimbo this year.

I know what yr thinking. It's something like "OH HELLLLL NO! You barely updated 3B at all in 2012!!!!!"

Sadly, this is true but times they are a changin'. I finally bought a damn computer so I will be updating with much more frequency. REJOICE! My brain is overflowing with good ideas and tender musings to both challenge and delight you. Here's a sample of what you can look forward to....

• Sister Act Fan Fiction
• The unveiling of the newest members of my All-Girl Goon Squad
• Probably a bunch of lists
• More Twitter Feuds
• More Jean Grey
• MORE AMERICAN HEROISM
• Something skimpy (for the fellas)
• Something ribbed (for her pleasure)
• 3B:3D hits theaters
• Secular Gay Fascism
• The return of 31 Days of Halloween Costume Suggestions/Demands

Are you excited? That's a stupid fucking question. Of course you are. PEOPLE GET READY

Seltz

I was just looking back through my Beach Bitch Bimbo files and realized I never got to Part 2 of my thrilling expose into the perpetual lie that is dreaming. Listen up, I've had a lapse is research. I'm sorry. You can be certain that I will probably never mention dreams or the liars who claim them ever again. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I did want to address a topic that has caused quite a stir over at the Hall of Justice, where I reside. I'm sure you all remember Amy Greenhouse? International pop superstar, tabloid favorite, model, and leader of the All Girl Goon Squad? Ring any bells for ya?

Okay, well Amy lives with me and the rest of the Goon Squad at the Hall of Justice in Everett, Massachusetts. I am so sad to have to be the one to break this news to you but it seems that Ms. Greenhouse has been suffering from a debilitating addiction to Seltzer. When she gets the itch for that Seltz nothing on this planet can substitute her need for carbonated water. AND THE FLAVORS! Sinister combinations like Vanilla Pear and Triple Berry. It's sick. The effect it has had on her physical and mental health, not to mention her career, has been devastating. She used to sing beautiful songs and pretend to be a mermaid. Now she just mumbles about the "billions of bubbles" she hopes to consume while rocking back and forth on the floor of our living room.

I've scheduled an intervention. You are all welcome to join. We can't allow another life be taken by this fizzy death cocktail.

All Girl Goon Squad Recruitment Drive 2012/2013

Hi. Okay. So.Can I holla at you? I'm thinking about expanding my circle of friends who are also henchwomen. Are you interested in joining my All Girl Goon Squad? The only requirements are that you identify as a woman and are willing to help me in my quest of trickery. Also, you need to be willing to join the Secular Gay Fascist Agenda.

Get at me if yr interested.

Yeah, I caused a hurricane. DEAL WITH IT

Ugh, I just accidentally inhaled a huge blob of wasabi and I can barely function but I am determined to update you people on the insidious horrors I've unleashed onto the world. So, hey, what's up East Coast folks? Did you notice that there was a hurricane yesterday? A lot of scientists will try to tell you that it was caused by low pressure areas forming over warm oceans and blahblahblahblah but we all know that scientists just make shit up to shield you from the terrible truth. I have no such qualms and would like to let you know what really caused Hurricane Sandy: GAY PEOPLE.

Well, not just gay people.Lesbians, Bisexuals, Trans* people, and all other sexual minorities teamed up with abortions to fuck shit up. You might wonder how I know about this. As leader of the Secular Gay Fascist Agenda Committee for a Pro-Choice Planet I have insider knowledge of this nefarious plot to make it rain for a while and maybe knock some trees down. See, what we do is we synchronize our sexual activity, resulting in millions of angels sobbing all at once (that's where rain comes from). Then we head over to volunteer at Planned Parenthood and/or public schools (where we recruit). God is so shocked at our brazen behavior that she lets out a gasp (that's where the wind comes from).

That's right, America, The Gays were behind this storm. And you can rest assured that there will be more gay-related aborticanes. You've been warned.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!