Happy New Year! CASE CLOSED

Sorry to have left you all in Beach Bitch Limbo! I know yr anxiously awaiting the thrilling conclusion to the Great Burglary Saga and don't worry citizens, The InvestiGATOR and I have not let you down! We've spent a lot of time in labs pouring different colored chemicals together as well as on computers looking at charts and graphs. We've gone so far as to get a giant map of New York City that we stick little pushpins in to designate that it's a spot on the map! We've also done a bunch of interviews on Nancy Grace.

And it has PAID OFF.

GATOR and I re-evaluated the suspect list and determined that although they are all guilty of assholism, none of them are actually the villain involved in these specific burglaries. Once Katie Ryan-Snowman tipped me off to what was going on in Albuquerque it all started coming together.

Hollywood. Albuquerque. Malden. It all seems so simple now! The perpetrator was sending GATOR and I a very clear message: H.A.M.. It was the most substantive clue we had gotten yet. Once it was established that ham was somehow involved I was able to edit my list of suspects and narrow the search down to 2 people of interest.

Our first stop was to an abandoned McDonalds in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. It serves as the headquarters to known thief and ham(burger) enthusiast The Hamburglar.

Wanted in 41 states for stealing hamburgers and women's underwear, the Hamburglar has been on the run for months. Using the latest technology, The InvestiGATOR and I set up a trap to catch him:And of course we were successful. Once he was in our custody we interrogated him regarding the H.A.M. burglaries. Hours of questioning kept leading to dead ends. The night of the Malden burglary he was caught on camera robbing an airport. When I asked him about the Hollywood burglaries he claimed that he had spent that time in a detox clinic under the name "Spamburglar". It checked out. I was about to turn him in to the local police when he told us that we were looking for our villain in all the wrong places..."To find the monster you seek" he said while gagging on a veggie burger "you may want to start...smaller."

Another clue. We had been on this case for weeks and it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Smaller? What could he mean? Was the Ham connection all wrong? Then it hit me. Over at Squints, Laura had said something that I overlooked during the initial investigation:

I got swine flu last week, and if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face, I came home
very grouchy from work on Monday to find someone had broken into our apartment
and robbed us.

Following my instincts, our next stop was to Sigourney Weaver's house. Now OBVIOUSLY it is well known that Sigourney is a national treasure and I didn't for a second think that she was stooping to common thievery (there's NOTHING common about Sigourney Weaver). However, I was told by a little birdy named Amy Greenhouse that Sigourney had been recently infected with Swine Flu. And where there's swine there's ham! After I explained the penalty for harboring a fugitive in her body Sigourney agreed to allow me and the InvestiGATOR to use Pym Particles to shrink ourselves down to microscopic size and enter her bloodstream so that we could confront the Swine Flu personally.

Sneaking into Sigourney's lungs, we managed to take the flu by surprise just as it finished adding the rings it had stolen from Meghan Fox and Laura's prized antique vase collection to eBay. Caught in the act, the Flu tried it's best to outrun us but GATOR and I were, of course, too much for it to handle. I slapped on the cuffs, exited Sigourney, and returned to normal size. Within ten minutes the Flu was in jail and the case was closed!

ohhhh, but one last thing...in all the excitement during and after the arrest I kiiiind of forgot to bring all the stolen stuff back. So...it's still in Sigourney Weaver's lungs...BUT she's very nice and you can write to her personally and request them back.

Albuquerque: the lead we've been waiting for?

NOWHERE IS SAFE! Least of all Albuquerque, New Mexico. My friend Katie (better known as Mrs. Frosty the Snowman or as her semi-erotic stage name "Crystal the Snowwoman") was burgled there a few months back and I've got shocking new evidence connecting that crime to the rash of burglaries the InvestiGATOR, Nancy Grace, and I have been looking into these past couple of weeks.

Let's make the connection: The crime wave started in Albuquerque, followed by Hollywood, followed by Malden Massachusetts. Notice anything? A. H. M.? H.A.M.! Ham! Ham is involved...but HOW?

I'm in the lab running some tests. I'll be back later with more information.

Tune into Nancy Grace tonight at 8:00 and 10:00 p.m. for up to the minute coverage including an exclusive interview with the InvestiGATOR.

ALSO: During the investigation, in order to preserve impartiality, Toadette has been removed as the weekend host of the Nancy Grace show. She's being replaced with Amy Greenhouse for the time being.

I Spy With My 8 Eyes...

The InvestiGATOR and I have been up all night patrolling the streets and following leads and I'm proud to say that we've made some serious progress towards discovering the cad or cads responsible for the recent rash of burglaries targeting celebrities in the Hollywood/Malden areas.

I know I can trust you so I'm going to let you all in on the current suspects. I have yet to make any arrests so PLEASE do not let these people know that I'm going through their garbage.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SUSPECTS (so far) ARE:

TOADETTE

This rigged bitch has been a thorn in my side for years. Let's face it: She's a criminal. She doesn't have a record, but that's only because she's never been caught. What's her motivation for the crime? I'm glad you asked. Toadette has been trying to "break into" Hollywood for quite some time. In 2006 she starred alongside Michale Ian Black, Michael J. Fox, and Michael Moore in the colossal failure "3 Mikes and a Baby" (She played the FUCKING BABY). The universally hated film, coupled with tales of her on-set tantrums, effectively killed her career. Rumors of wild parties and involvement in human trafficking filled the tabloids for months. Nowadays she hosts the Nancy Grace show on Sunday nights but remains forever jealous of young Hollywood. You can tell by the way she dresses that she's broke. I know from dealing with her that she's lazy. So what better way for her to kill 2 birds with one stone? She has her vengeance on the celebrities she's so obviously jealous of while simultaneously gaining a lot of new things to sell on the street (most likely for drugs).

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Oh, I'm sorry celebrities, did you forget about 9/11? Really? Even after I warned you repeatedly? And now you want MY help? Well lucky for y'all I love America. As you all know, a few months back International Pop Superstar Amy Greenhouse, Gregg, and I went on a hunt for Bin Laden after spotting him in Lynn, Massachusetts (which is not too far from Malden, by the way). As much as it shames me to admit it, he got away. It wasn't too long after he narrowly escaped our clutches that these burglaries began to happen. What do we know about Osama Bin Laden? 1. He hates America. 2. He will do whatever it takes to fuck with us. 3. He's in the United States. Knowing these statements to all be 100% true, can we really rule him out? I think not.

THE HELLIONS

Little known fact: I used to be on this team. No, seriously. Eventually I got frustrated with Emma and hit the road but it was fun while it lasted. It's a good thing I got out when I did, though, cuz shortly afterwards they all got murdered up by a time-traveling psychopath. True story. I know yr wondering how they can rob Laura Williams, Megan Fox, et al. if they're dead. WELL HERE'S THE THING: They were recently resurrected. Of course they were. A lot has changed since they died and they're most likely pissed that there's a new crop of famous faces running around. They wanna know what happened to Claire Danes and Mayim Bialik. I really hope it's them because I'm preeeetty sure I can reason with them. Maybe convince them to give up crime and join the X-Men. I think I might just do that anyway.

THE BLOB-THING FROM CREEPSHOW 2

Oh I really really really hope that this thing isn't a part of the burglaries, but a slime trail found at every one of the crime scenes seems to implicate some involvement. This creature is a highly corrosive toxic sludge that envelopes it's victims (and maybe their property?) and consumes them. Everyone remembers during the 2008 presidential campaign when the gelatinous monstrosity first gained national attention by claiming that the "Liberal Media" had gone out of its way to launch attacks against Sarah Palin. Even after the election it appeared as a frequent commentator on Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor, continuously insisting that "those Hollywood pigs" had rigged the election. Maybe the creature decided to take it's rage to the next level...


Okay so that's what me and GATOR have so far. We will be monitoring all of these losers as we attempt to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned, I have a feeling things are just starting to get interesting...

Villains!

If you watch TMZ then yr already familiar with the heartbreaking story I have for you today. For those of you out of the loop, my good friend Laura who runs Squints Magazine's blog is the most recent victim of a series of burglaries plaguing the Hollywood elite. Other victim's have included Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Megan Fox, and Brian Austin Green. Currently there are four suspects in custody, but evidence suggests that the perpetrator is most likely still at large.

You know that over here at 3B we take crime very seriously. For that reason, I have decided to do what I do best and stop this villain (or villains) before they can strike again. I know better than to go at this alone, so I've taken in a sidekick for this mission. I'd like you all to meet my completely platonic partner in crime solving: The InvestiGATOR

Stay tuned everyone! I'll be updating as new developments...um...develop.

WWLLD?

I had some time off from my 50 jobs this past week and within six minutes I was so bored I was gonna SCREAM. So I started playing a game. I would think up little scenarios from my life like "That time I got cut in line at Dollar Bills" and "That time I outsmarted Cassandra Nova" BUT I'd ask myself "What would Lydia Lunch have done in that situation?"

I know you know me so I know you know that I know Lydia Lunch is NOT the best role model out there. She's the THIRD best role model after Dazzler and Ms. Jalopy Honeyfeathers. UNFORTUNATELY that didn't stop me from spending my entire vacation going through every decision I have ever made and asking "WWLLD?" Well, 168 hours later I can tell you exactly what she'd do because she only has two reactions.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Fly off into a rage.
2. WRITE 19 PAGES OF GRAPHIC SEXVIOLENCE IN ALL CAPS

In some ways I'm sad that I have more than 2 reactions to things, but in other ways I'm in a rage about it...so I guess a little bit of Lydia has rubbed off on me. Next time I have a vacation I'm going to actually try and HAVE those reactions, so consider this my warning/apology as my having a rage disorder might effect how you feel about me.

Twitter Feuds: MALYA OBAMA

Technology is traumatizing and I'll tell you why: Because I got twitter two days ago and am somehow in about 28 feuds with people that I barely know. Let me start with the worst offender of the bunch: Malia Obama. Okay, I thought her name was pronounced "Malya" (I'm still not convinced it isn't) and so I decided to tweet "OoPs, I dIdN nO hEr NmE wUz PrInOuNcD lK thaT lol i ThOt It WuZ MALYA sl!!!1!!"

*A SIDE NOTE: I tweet with crazy letters and on-purpose spelling mistakes because 1. I keep it real. and 2. There's only a limited amount of time in a day and I need to dedicate it to alternating letter size instead of spelling and grammar. Also, "sl" stands for "SCREAM LAUGH". I'm trying to force it to be a thing.

Okay, so I tweeted that. It was like MAYBE my third tweet. And that little so-and-so tweeted: "More like Richard Mul-GAY-hy lol he has NO FRIENDS". Well. As you can imagine my rage level was at or around 56. That's homophobia! And after all I've done for the Obama family! I'm well aware that Malya (that's her name to me now) is probably 7 years old AT MOST and I'm a full grown adult man and YEAH, maybe I SHOULD just let it go. But she really crossed a line there so I took it down to her level and tweeted BACK...this time in all caps because of the rage: U DONT NO ME Y YOU ACT LK U DO! U R POUR N UR FAMILY DUZNT EVN LIV IN A STATE! LOL WASHINGTIN DC IS WACK N SO R U!"

Then I followed that up with: "AT LEAST THE HOLE SOUTH DUZNT HATE MY DAD! U R OBSESD WIT ME CUZ U HAV NO FREINDZ UR A COMUNEST 2"

Her next tweet was so shocking I ALMOST didn't want to repeat it, but I thought that maybe if I did it would help other victims of bullying see that no matter what people say about you, if you think long and hard enough you'll be able to say something more hurtful. This is what that little twit said: "F U rich u r GAY and i am surprised u can even tweet wit ur fat fingerz. U got bad teeth".

Oh. No. She. Didn't.

But yes, she did. So at this point I was a little nervous she might throw a wild party in the apartment below me in order to try and traumatize me into hiding in the closet with a cat, a knife, and a blanket. OH MALYA, don't you know my history? I didn't want things to get outta control so I kept it simple for my last tweet to her this evening: "MALYA U R A LEZBEAN"

Novemba Feeva...no, just kidding.

I hope everyone who took my advice had a nice Halloween. Those of you who didn't...well I hope you had a good time too. I'm wicked nice like that. Greenhouse and I went as Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love who are also werewolves. Clever, right? I executive produced the idea but M. Night Shyamalan directed it. Fans described it as "stimulating".