Suspension of Disbelief

What?

No.

Yes, I have to let it linger.

I know it isn't a secret that I LOVE MAGIC 106.7 and anything that can be even remotely linked to it's stopless soft-rock hits. What is LESS known about me is that lately I've been feeling underwhelmed by the world(s) of executive producing, super heroics, advocacy, acting, sainthood, etc. and have been considering going into the world of radio dj-ing. Wondering what my playlist would look like? Hmmmmmm... y'know I'm not going to pretend that I can improve upon perfection, BUT AS MUCH AS I LOVE ROXETTE, I'd only play "It Must Have Been Love" five times a day instead of nine so I could make a little room for some other soft-rock hits. I think for my first show my playlist might look a little something like this:

1. Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise
2. Kristen Hersh - Your Ghost
3. Bruce Springsteen - I'm On Fire
4. Pat Benetar - We Belong
5. The Cranberries - Linger
6. Cocteau Twins - Lorelei
7. T'Pau - Heart and Soul
8. The Velvet Underground - Heroin
9. Rasputina - Oh, Injury
10. Bonnie Tyler - It's a Heartache
11. Jewel - Foolish Games (the REAL version, not the rediculous one. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
12. Lydia Lunch - Mechanical Flattery
13. George Michael - Father Figure
14. Ruth Carr - Come Over
15. Paperboy - Ditty (this one is to lure in the teens. From what I've been told, they loooove rap)
16. K.D. Lang - Constant Craving
17. Babes in Toyland - All By Myself (this counts so fuck you)
18. Sinead O'Connor - Black Boys on Mopeds (ORANGE you glad I didn't say "Nothing Compares 2 U"?)
19. Laurie Anderson - O Superman
20. Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
21. Air Supply - Even The Nights Are Better
22. The Carpenters - Superstar
23. Madonna - Rain
24. Dolly Parton - Light of a Clear Blue Morning

WOW that's a fucking good playlist IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. And it's only my first show! I'm so excited, but before I head into the station I have to admit that my new job as Richard Joseph Bouchehy is twofold: OBVIOUSLY goal #1 is to bring my dear listeners continuous soft rock and to make sure to remember to mention that Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" is going out from Lorna Dane to Alex Summers (in Iraq, DUH) because she loves him, etc. GOAL #2 is to find out WHO THE FUCK DAVID ALLAN BOUCHER REALLY IS. I'm just gonna come right out and say what I know everyone else is thinking: He's probably Mystique. Maybe Apocalypse. There's no reason on earth to believe he is who he claims to be. No homo sapien is that powerful. I'll keep you all updated.

8 Eyed Spy

I thought you might like to take a look at my glamorous new costume:

http://marvel.com/cyos/756503/name/Rich/hero/8%20Eyed%20spy

Joan Cusack Books on Tape

I'm sure everyone must just intuitively know that my favorite sound in the world is Joan Cusack's voice. Now that I'm famous and influential as a super hero/executive producer/Hollywood film actor/television personality/saint/yogurt whistle blower/etc. I have FINALLY convinced Joan to go into the wonderful world of books on tape. The thing is...now that she's agreed, I'm COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED! She's committed to doing six books of my choosing but I'm finding it close to impossible to narrow it down! The only book I've completely settled on is (obviously) Incriminating Evidence by Lydia Lunch. Let's take a look at some other ideas...

Oh, and for the record I'm not asking for yr advice on the matter. The decision is MINE and MINE ALONE. I'm so excited!

ALSO AVAILABLE (not yet, but soon): Joan Cusack Books on Tape CASSINGLES!!!!!!! Because we all know that sometimes all ya need is a chapter. The flip side is Joan reading the same chapter, but with an accent like she's from the deep south!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look who's supporting me now!

That's right people, I'm teaming up with the Stepford Cuckoos in a very special limited series. And to answer what I know is on everyone's mind: No, I won't be dying my hair blonde. Here's proof for all you non-believers:

I'm Pregnant.

Mayyyyybe "pregnant" isn't the best way to describe it. I think "expecting" is a smidgen more appropriate because I'm EXPECTING a new synthetic baby to arrive in the mail at any moment. Her name is Sarah Whitney-Mulcahy and I artificially love her and her hyphenated last name so much that I'm angry about it. Oh look, here she is now:
I'm not sure how well you can read that little paragraph next to her, but yes she is modeled after the artist that made her. She is also premature so be careful around her if you have an imaginary disease.

Now that I've husked away my former worthless life and moved on to a higher plane of existence, I'm anticipating a lot of jealousy and gossip from all the baseline humans like yrselves, and of course I don't blame you, but please lets keep it reasonable people...I don't need DFCF (The Department of Fake Children and Families) all up in my damn business.

Volcano of Love

I'm starting a vh1 dating show and the concept is as follows:

I find about a thousand mentally ill twenty-somethings with sexxxxxxxxxxxxy bodies and bad attitudes.

Now this next part is important because it involves you: AMERICA gets to choose what twenty eight douche bags wind up as contestants through texting and online voting that costs you money. Thanks, by the way, because that money will be used to further my secular gay fascist agenda.

They all go to a house in Malibu or wherever

NO WAIT they all go to a house on top of a live volcano and compete for the love of Amy Greenhouse.

The judges will be: Tyra Banks, Daisy, Heidi Klum, Sister Patterson, New York, Rahne Sinclair, Brett Michaels, Tila Tequilla, Bubbles, Ricky Lake, Ricky Rachman, Richard Mulcahy, Tim Gunn, Nina Garcia, That scary military guy from Celebrity Fat Camp or whatever it was called, and last but not least Lydia Lunch.

At the end of each episode Lydia Lunch brutalizes whoever she wants regardless of who the judges vote out and throws them in the volcano.

And yes, this entire show exists for the sole purpose of seeing Lydia Lunch throw Brett Michaels into a volcano...oh yeah and also to find true love IN A WAY.