Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
terror, trauma, turmoil, and the will to stay alive
Amy Greenhouse and I went to see Rasputina last night. The show was wonderful, of course. Rasputina is without question one of my all-time favorite bands. But the music is not why I'm blogging. I've seen Rasputina a bunch of times, so I pretty much knew what to expect. In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm a judgmental asshole. I'm not completely okay with it. I try to be nice. I have a good amount of control over what comes out of my mouth, but devil-thoughts do sometimes sneak in my head. If you can believe it I'm actually a lot better than I used to be. Having said that, I warned Amy before the show that Rasputina tends to draw the Top Hat Crowd, if you know what I mean.
In all fairness, I used to belong to the Top Hat Crowd. I don't feel like I do any longer...and haven't for over a decade BUT I feel as though I owe my loyal readers full disclosure regarding my former goth lifestyle lest I seem like one of those creepy self-hating gays on television talking about how Jesus saved them so they're not gay anymore but I suspect hormone treatments/genital mutilation/good old fashioned lying. I may not dress the part any longer but goth stuff still has a special place in my heart. It's towards the back, right next to my tentacle fetish. And, for the record, most of the people there probably wouldn't be considered goth anyway. Just weird, dark, and sloppy. There's a difference. Also: is goth even still a thing? It seems like it kind of merged with emo but now I'm feeling old and out of touch so this tangent ENDS HERE.
Back to the show.
So, like I was saying, Amy and I accidentally got there wicked early. I wanted to wait to leave and play Left 4 Dead 2 so we wouldn't have to sit through the opening band (which turned out to be Geena Davis) but Greenhouse forced me out the door (half true) and we scampered over to some place in Somerville. As soon as we got there and realized it was an all-ages show I knew we were in for big time carnage. I don't want to judge all-ages shows, I really don't. But I do. I hate them. Because children are awful. I justify this belief by assuming Lydia Lunch would feel the same way, thereby making it an acceptable opinion.
Before the opening band, which was really just Geena Davis from 1993 or whatever year A League of Their Own came out, started I noticed that luckily Amy and I were not the oldest people in the room. There was a 60 year old man with a t-shirt that said something about morphine staring shamelessly at Amy and I. This staring continued throughout the entire show, leading Amy and I to assume that he was going to inject us with morphine and then human traffic us. I think the only reason it didn't happen is because there were two of us and we looked like we'd fight back. Safety in numbers, etc. although I hope the victims he found were at least willing.
As the clock ticked it became more and more apparent that we were in that teenage wasteland the Who are always going on about. There was a young woman with all these blue ribbon things stuck to her head. Like the kind you buy that has a sticky on the bottom so you can attach it to birthday presents or whatever. She was also wearing a MooMoo in various shades of blue but with some yellow and orange thrown in so your eyes could be killed with German efficiency. On top of the MooMoo she had a corset/waist cincher thing that was black and yellow. Amy and I kept referring to her as MooMooDusa, in part because we're a dynamic mix of dickhead and genius, but also because we felt strongly that she was amazingly gifted in something (probably art or singing...maybe dance) and hoped to high heaven she'd overhear us and take our drag-motherly advice and adopt MooMooDusa as her stage name. MooMooDusa and the Blue Lagoon would be an awesome band name. I'll sell it to you.
So next up we had Purple Warrior. She was dressed head to toe in the most raggedy, hippie-ish shade of purple you can imagine. I don't know enough about fabrics to accurately describe what her clothing was made out of but I'd guess muslin or something similar. Her outfit was divided into two parts: skirt and top. The skirt was just a skirt but the top looked like a random piece of fabric she tossed on as an afterthought. Like "Time to go to Rasputina! Ooops! I'm topless! I'll just staple the scraps from this skirt I just hand sewed directly to my buxom bosom." Purple Warrior was there with her lover, who we called Bronze Beauty because of the Bronze...shirt(?) she was wearing. I don't know how to describe it. It reminded me of a metallic skeleton. Purple Warrior was carrying Bronze Beauty around the place in what I can only assume was some show of Amazonian aggression. I was worried I might be witnessing domestic abuse but they both seemed to be laughing so I didn't refer Bronze Beauty to a hotline.
Next we had a girl who insisted on reading while the opening band (Geena Davis) played. Now, I know it was my intention to show up late and not see the opening band at all, but that's different because it's something I was going to do. AND when we did get to the show at least Amy and I had the respect to listen to them play. Clap and all that. They weren't even that bad. But no. This bitch just sat there reading. To quote the great war hero Stephanie Tanner: How Rude! But then later Amy and I realized she must have been reading the Neverending Story and so she was reading along to everything that was happening around her. It makes sense considering all the Purple Warriors and morphine criminals running around. It would have been much less eye murderish to read about the creatures instead of actually having to see them. Can't blame her for using the resources at her disposal I suppose.
There was also a girl we called L.T.H. It stands for "Literal Top Hat" because she was literally wearing a top hat, just as I predicted. Not much else to say about her except she had a very round and red face.
And then there were the worst people of all. Heteronormative Couple. They thought they were so edgy making out and being in love and blocking our view of Rasputina by sitting directly in front of us. NOT ON MY WATCH. I was really loudly and openly mean to them regarding their PDA. They stopped. I'd like to think I destroyed their relationship. I coughed on them on purpose in order to hopefully infect them with gay. Another Secular Gay Fascist victory!
There were a couple of other monsters...CONVO ME if you want to hear about Crunchy-Orange-Gay, Fingerfoot, and possibly others. It really was a good show. Musically. But, as I said repeatedly to Amy, "I can't process my environment right now." That sums it up
In all fairness, I used to belong to the Top Hat Crowd. I don't feel like I do any longer...and haven't for over a decade BUT I feel as though I owe my loyal readers full disclosure regarding my former goth lifestyle lest I seem like one of those creepy self-hating gays on television talking about how Jesus saved them so they're not gay anymore but I suspect hormone treatments/genital mutilation/good old fashioned lying. I may not dress the part any longer but goth stuff still has a special place in my heart. It's towards the back, right next to my tentacle fetish. And, for the record, most of the people there probably wouldn't be considered goth anyway. Just weird, dark, and sloppy. There's a difference. Also: is goth even still a thing? It seems like it kind of merged with emo but now I'm feeling old and out of touch so this tangent ENDS HERE.
Back to the show.
So, like I was saying, Amy and I accidentally got there wicked early. I wanted to wait to leave and play Left 4 Dead 2 so we wouldn't have to sit through the opening band (which turned out to be Geena Davis) but Greenhouse forced me out the door (half true) and we scampered over to some place in Somerville. As soon as we got there and realized it was an all-ages show I knew we were in for big time carnage. I don't want to judge all-ages shows, I really don't. But I do. I hate them. Because children are awful. I justify this belief by assuming Lydia Lunch would feel the same way, thereby making it an acceptable opinion.
Before the opening band, which was really just Geena Davis from 1993 or whatever year A League of Their Own came out, started I noticed that luckily Amy and I were not the oldest people in the room. There was a 60 year old man with a t-shirt that said something about morphine staring shamelessly at Amy and I. This staring continued throughout the entire show, leading Amy and I to assume that he was going to inject us with morphine and then human traffic us. I think the only reason it didn't happen is because there were two of us and we looked like we'd fight back. Safety in numbers, etc. although I hope the victims he found were at least willing.
As the clock ticked it became more and more apparent that we were in that teenage wasteland the Who are always going on about. There was a young woman with all these blue ribbon things stuck to her head. Like the kind you buy that has a sticky on the bottom so you can attach it to birthday presents or whatever. She was also wearing a MooMoo in various shades of blue but with some yellow and orange thrown in so your eyes could be killed with German efficiency. On top of the MooMoo she had a corset/waist cincher thing that was black and yellow. Amy and I kept referring to her as MooMooDusa, in part because we're a dynamic mix of dickhead and genius, but also because we felt strongly that she was amazingly gifted in something (probably art or singing...maybe dance) and hoped to high heaven she'd overhear us and take our drag-motherly advice and adopt MooMooDusa as her stage name. MooMooDusa and the Blue Lagoon would be an awesome band name. I'll sell it to you.
So next up we had Purple Warrior. She was dressed head to toe in the most raggedy, hippie-ish shade of purple you can imagine. I don't know enough about fabrics to accurately describe what her clothing was made out of but I'd guess muslin or something similar. Her outfit was divided into two parts: skirt and top. The skirt was just a skirt but the top looked like a random piece of fabric she tossed on as an afterthought. Like "Time to go to Rasputina! Ooops! I'm topless! I'll just staple the scraps from this skirt I just hand sewed directly to my buxom bosom." Purple Warrior was there with her lover, who we called Bronze Beauty because of the Bronze...shirt(?) she was wearing. I don't know how to describe it. It reminded me of a metallic skeleton. Purple Warrior was carrying Bronze Beauty around the place in what I can only assume was some show of Amazonian aggression. I was worried I might be witnessing domestic abuse but they both seemed to be laughing so I didn't refer Bronze Beauty to a hotline.
Next we had a girl who insisted on reading while the opening band (Geena Davis) played. Now, I know it was my intention to show up late and not see the opening band at all, but that's different because it's something I was going to do. AND when we did get to the show at least Amy and I had the respect to listen to them play. Clap and all that. They weren't even that bad. But no. This bitch just sat there reading. To quote the great war hero Stephanie Tanner: How Rude! But then later Amy and I realized she must have been reading the Neverending Story and so she was reading along to everything that was happening around her. It makes sense considering all the Purple Warriors and morphine criminals running around. It would have been much less eye murderish to read about the creatures instead of actually having to see them. Can't blame her for using the resources at her disposal I suppose.
There was also a girl we called L.T.H. It stands for "Literal Top Hat" because she was literally wearing a top hat, just as I predicted. Not much else to say about her except she had a very round and red face.
And then there were the worst people of all. Heteronormative Couple. They thought they were so edgy making out and being in love and blocking our view of Rasputina by sitting directly in front of us. NOT ON MY WATCH. I was really loudly and openly mean to them regarding their PDA. They stopped. I'd like to think I destroyed their relationship. I coughed on them on purpose in order to hopefully infect them with gay. Another Secular Gay Fascist victory!
There were a couple of other monsters...CONVO ME if you want to hear about Crunchy-Orange-Gay, Fingerfoot, and possibly others. It really was a good show. Musically. But, as I said repeatedly to Amy, "I can't process my environment right now." That sums it up
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Mileena!
Oh, and as promised, here are some pictures of my precious kitty Mileena:
All Pictures taken by Laura Williams, for the record.
RHOAYCEI UPDATE: Everything is Delicious!
Back in March I teased you all with a little blip about the new show in the "Real Housewives" series on Bravo that I am working on. I am delighted to inform you that "The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island" is premiering on Bravo Tuesday, July 20. For those of you who live under rocks/can't afford cable The Real Housewives series films the lives of occasionally rich but always crazy and entitled ladies who live in some specific area. Cameras follow them around 24 hours a day recording them doing and saying things that me and the kind people at Bravo tell them they have to. There's always some kind of intense drama going on with them because they don't have jobs. They drink a lot during the day and wish they were 10 years younger in a sad, truly unfunny way. Wow! So far there have been seasons in Orange County, New York, Atlanta, New Jersey for some reason, and now: All You Can Eat Island!
A geography lesson: All You Can Eat Island is a popular tourist destination located somewhere in the North Pacific. Near Canada, but technically a part of Washington state. As it's name implies, everything on the island is edible. The trees are made out of broccoli, the sand of the beaches is colored sugar, the Houses are gingerbread, and the energy drinks are carbonated water, sucrose, glucose, citric acid, natural flavors, taurine, sodium citrate, panax ginseng root extract, l-carnitine, caffeine, sorbic acid, benzoic acid, niacinamide, sodium chloride, glucuronolactone, inositol, guarana seed extract, pyridoxine hydrochloride, sucralose, riboflavin, maltodextrin, and cyanocobalamin. Everything is Delicious!
Please allow me to introduce you to the cast:
Ophelia Ragmore: BP executive. self-made. addicted to heroin. cheats on her husband with a decorative wall-hanging. has only left All You Can Eat Island twice. both times was hospitalized for eating non-food.
Myrtle Urkel: Southern Belle. rich family.
Greta Ng: she won the lottery and got out of the slum. the other housewives judge her for being "new money". she had no idea that there's even such a thing as fashion, and when she discovers she has a talent for haute couture she leaves the show to compete on Project Runway (crossover alert!)
Sister Bernadette: haters gonna hate but she's a bride of christ so it counts. and have you ever seen the vatican? that guy's fucking loaded. she is the best character on the show. All You Can Eat Island's only Cath-o-lick (get it? no, it's not my best work) church was eaten by a pack of hungry Mormon's shortly after filming.
Shriek: a homicidal maniac. teamed up with her husband and killed a bunch of people in New York a few years back. Has been hiding out on AYCE Island ever since. she gets kicked off the show for killing Yig on the first episode. reappears halfway through the season and removes another cast member's arm. who? you'll have to tune in to find out! shocking! and wait til you see the reunion episode! carnage!
Yig-Astrid Jinopolous: former child bride until the creep who married her was brought up on formal charges. she wound up with all his money but is killed by Shriek during the first episode. her ghost spends the rest of the season torturing the other cast members, who are willed her creepy house for some reason.
(Drama) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs: this horrible little bimbette bitch bimbo crawls right outta the Iced Tea Sea and immediately starts shit with everyone on the show. her "Skinny Crab-Girl" line of healthy booze is not selling well on an Island where you can eat the sidewalk. this causes her stress which she takes out on her constituents. she stole a large sum of money from Ophelia but can't be arrested due to DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.
So get ready for all the nonstop action thrills and comedy chills you can handle this July on Bravo! The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Ophelia Ragmore: BP executive. self-made. addicted to heroin. cheats on her husband with a decorative wall-hanging. has only left All You Can Eat Island twice. both times was hospitalized for eating non-food.
Myrtle Urkel: Southern Belle. rich family.
married to Eddie Winslow. hilarious guest appearances by the Winslows and Steve Urkel. drama after she accidentally drowns Laura W's children in Red Bull Lake.
Greta Ng: she won the lottery and got out of the slum. the other housewives judge her for being "new money". she had no idea that there's even such a thing as fashion, and when she discovers she has a talent for haute couture she leaves the show to compete on Project Runway (crossover alert!)
Sister Bernadette: haters gonna hate but she's a bride of christ so it counts. and have you ever seen the vatican? that guy's fucking loaded. she is the best character on the show. All You Can Eat Island's only Cath-o-lick (get it? no, it's not my best work) church was eaten by a pack of hungry Mormon's shortly after filming.
Shriek: a homicidal maniac. teamed up with her husband and killed a bunch of people in New York a few years back. Has been hiding out on AYCE Island ever since. she gets kicked off the show for killing Yig on the first episode. reappears halfway through the season and removes another cast member's arm. who? you'll have to tune in to find out! shocking! and wait til you see the reunion episode! carnage!
Yig-Astrid Jinopolous: former child bride until the creep who married her was brought up on formal charges. she wound up with all his money but is killed by Shriek during the first episode. her ghost spends the rest of the season torturing the other cast members, who are willed her creepy house for some reason.
(Drama) Queen of the Horseshoe Crabs: this horrible little bimbette bitch bimbo crawls right outta the Iced Tea Sea and immediately starts shit with everyone on the show. her "Skinny Crab-Girl" line of healthy booze is not selling well on an Island where you can eat the sidewalk. this causes her stress which she takes out on her constituents. she stole a large sum of money from Ophelia but can't be arrested due to DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.So get ready for all the nonstop action thrills and comedy chills you can handle this July on Bravo! The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Friday, June 25, 2010
things you like are stupid (to me)
Facebook. Heavens to Betsy. I'm sure you've noticed the weird page suggestion bullshit they've been pimping. I am not 100% sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it gives me an opportunity to scream laugh at what business robots think I might like BUT ALSO it makes me judge the hell out of some people that I might otherwise like. Let us now take a gander at the things that I hate that Faceplace thinks I shouldn't:
The Clash
Seinfeld
The Bible
South Park
LA Lakers
NCIS
24
Metallica
Toy Story 3
Entourage
Eminem
Nike Basketball (what even is that? no, wait, i don't care)
I am genuinely ashamed to be friends with people who like this garbage BUT most of these "fans" are morons I went to high school with that I wouldn't be able to pick out of a crowd but awkwardly approved friend requests from because I was feeling social etiquette-ish that day so it's kind of my fault. Or at least it would be if I was capable of taking responsibility for my actions. Which I am not. And if somehow one of these high school people stumbles across 3B...um...OF COURSE I wasn't talking about you. Don't be silly. Remember Dr.Kruegar? Ha. Byyyeeee.
The Clash
Seinfeld
The Bible
South Park
LA Lakers
NCIS
24
Metallica
Toy Story 3
Entourage
Eminem
Nike Basketball (what even is that? no, wait, i don't care)
I am genuinely ashamed to be friends with people who like this garbage BUT most of these "fans" are morons I went to high school with that I wouldn't be able to pick out of a crowd but awkwardly approved friend requests from because I was feeling social etiquette-ish that day so it's kind of my fault. Or at least it would be if I was capable of taking responsibility for my actions. Which I am not. And if somehow one of these high school people stumbles across 3B...um...OF COURSE I wasn't talking about you. Don't be silly. Remember Dr.Kruegar? Ha. Byyyeeee.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I can see the future and you're all going to die
Remember Wednesday, April 7, 2010? Of course you do. That was the day I discovered that I had a previously undiagnosed super power. I am a Precog. Hmmm...that's an industry term so let me break it down to a working class level so I can be sure that you understand and are willing to pay for my non-sexual services: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.
It's a gift and a curse, as I can barely keep track of the wonderful ideas I have in the present let alone all the no longer mysterious miracles I'll be squirting out in 2031. Now I know how you are so let me stop you right there...NO I'm not going to tell you about our robot overlords or the awesome remake of Spaceballs or how Courtney Love finally gets her shit together and gets to be the Vice President (and then the President after RoboCosby is assassinated). I will however explain to you how it is I figured out that I have powers of precognition and yet am not a blind person*.
PICTURE IT: Beverly, Massachusetts. Wednesday April 7, 2010. 7:14 P.M. I'm updating Beach Bitch Bimbo regarding my recent purchase of a memo pad. What did I write on page one of my memo pad? "CALLING IT: Magma is probably going to be killed off. Nightcrawler too. That's the trick."
WELL WELL WELL. Nightcrawler is dead. I was right. I can see the future. Don't worry about Magma, I used my powers to save her...for now.
I am now accepting large sums of money to tell you trivial things about tomorrow/forever.
*+35 points for Destiny/Blindfold double reference
It's a gift and a curse, as I can barely keep track of the wonderful ideas I have in the present let alone all the no longer mysterious miracles I'll be squirting out in 2031. Now I know how you are so let me stop you right there...NO I'm not going to tell you about our robot overlords or the awesome remake of Spaceballs or how Courtney Love finally gets her shit together and gets to be the Vice President (and then the President after RoboCosby is assassinated). I will however explain to you how it is I figured out that I have powers of precognition and yet am not a blind person*.
PICTURE IT: Beverly, Massachusetts. Wednesday April 7, 2010. 7:14 P.M. I'm updating Beach Bitch Bimbo regarding my recent purchase of a memo pad. What did I write on page one of my memo pad? "CALLING IT: Magma is probably going to be killed off. Nightcrawler too. That's the trick."
WELL WELL WELL. Nightcrawler is dead. I was right. I can see the future. Don't worry about Magma, I used my powers to save her...for now.
I am now accepting large sums of money to tell you trivial things about tomorrow/forever.
*+35 points for Destiny/Blindfold double reference
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Here Comes My Baby!
I think you are interested in knowing that I am now the proud roommate of a cat! I didn't name her Burqini after all because as it turns out Burqas (and therefor Burqinis by association) are involved in a lot of dramz that I want to shield my sweet angel baby miracle dream wonderful ultra magnificent heavenly dazzling cute astonishing amazing celestial messiah child from.
So instead I named her Mileena. The lady with the teeth from Mortal Kombat BUT ALSO the lady from Total Recall. I know Total Recall lady spells it "Melina" but my kitty knows how to perform a fatality so I'll be going with the Mortal Kombat version.
I'll publish photos when I'm not on the commuter rail, which has a terrible internet connection that is destroying my life/fun.
So instead I named her Mileena. The lady with the teeth from Mortal Kombat BUT ALSO the lady from Total Recall. I know Total Recall lady spells it "Melina" but my kitty knows how to perform a fatality so I'll be going with the Mortal Kombat version.
I'll publish photos when I'm not on the commuter rail, which has a terrible internet connection that is destroying my life/fun.
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