Fancy Beast

So wait, yr pets AREN'T in a band? Really? None of them? Oh, that's just awful. I wouldn't know what that's like, though, because in case you haven't heard my kitty is the lead singer of the greatest rock and roll band of all time: FANCY BEAST.

I can't remember if I've ever gone into detail about my cat Mileena's origins. Even if I have it's worth repeating. Basically what happened was there was this angel sent from Heaven to harass gay people or protest abortions or whatever God feels like smiting that week. Unfortunately this angel got slashed across the face with a knife by me and my All-Girl Goon Squad some nameless heretics and from the blood did Mileena rise. Sensing her star potential I immediately adopted her and welcomed her into my home.

Like any troubled teen from a single-parent household, Mileena started a band with a few of her friends. Charlene the Ferret on drums, Mr.Genderswap the Goldfish on bass, Mileena on vocals, and Mileena's good-for-nothing best friend PuffPuff the Cat on guitar.

It's not easy to describe their style of music but if I had to I guess I'd call it riot grrrwl. It won't be long before they're playing all the big venues so I suggest seeing them now. They'll be playing at T.T. the Bear's this Thursday.

ALSO: Tomorrow is Mileena's birthday!

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED



SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Um, Ke$ha, maybe you weren't born yet or something but EVERYONE KNOWS OopsPoops wore an outfit made out of teeth to the fuckin Tony's back in 2007. Ugh. This girl is going to get hurt (again) if she keeps spouting off at the mouth. DAMN.

Twitter Feuds: Ke$ha and OopsPoops

Oh this is just delightful. Usually the twitter feuds I choose to write about are ones I'm involved in. This time, however, I stumbled across a feud involving two young pop superstars and I quit my job so I could rush home and blog about it.

So here's a little background for the over-thirty crowd: OopsPoops is the current identity of the international pop sensation formerly known as K. Spears. She got famous by wearing a dress made out of fingernails to the VMA's to promote her first album "Put Your Ding-Dong in My Puss-Puss". The album went quadruple platinum. She embarked on her "Vulva Secrets" world tour later that year but during an outrageous live performance on top of the Sphinx (which as you may remember nearly caused World War III when she carved her face into the damn thing) she underwent a transformation. While singing her #1 hit "Panties (Who Needs 'Em?)" she covered herself in feces from every country on the planet. For world peace. Unfortunately the bacteria in the shit had mutated into some kind of horrible super-virus and upon dousing herself in it she became OopsPoops, a horrifying zombie-like creature that feeds on poop. But not just any poop. What she does, and pardon me if any of this seems graphic but you know how science is, is she rips into people's stomachs/intestines in an attempt to get the freshest poops while they're still forming. 282 people died or were infected in the ensuing carnage. Usually eating crap and killing people is enough to end even the most established artist's career, but in a Madonna-like epiphany K.Spears decided that she would reinvent herself. Within two months her first album as Oopsie, "Oops, I Accidentally Tasted It", was released to commercial and critical acclaim. She's consistently put out a #1 album every six months thereafter.

Ke$ha is a bimbo who uses a dollar sign instead of an s, looks dirty all the time, and sings songs about underage drinking. There's really not too much else to say about her. Teens seem to like her, though, and she's managed to gain quite the following since her hit "Tik Tok" dropped last year. Recently at a live performance in Detroit she did a cover of Oopsie's hit "What Else Can I Fit Inside Me?". During the performance she pooped herself. The audience loved it, but when OopsPoops found out the shit hit the fan.

She took to Twitter to vent her frustrations:

OopsPoops: WAY 2 STEEL MY ACT JIGGLES. IMA KILL U!!!1!1!! UR FAT

Ke$ha responded with an attempt to apologize, saying she didn't mean to offend, she just had a big meal before her show and was actually a huge Oopsie fan. It didn't take long for things to heat up after that:

Oops Poops: WTF GRL UR GONNA GET BEAT UP IF I C U

Ke$ha: I tried to be nice but OopsPoops just sent me a rabid bat in the mail. That bitch is so over.

OopsPoops: THATS RITE I SENT U BATS AND NOW IMA SEND U MY FIST IN UR FACE

Ke$ha: Chill out, Poop Monster, its only music.

OopsPoops: NFJKGNDFKGFJKHB <---- THAT WAS MY VAGINA TYPING. IT MEANS "UR DEAD BITCH"

Ke$ha: stop threatening me, ho.

When Oopsie didn't respond Ke$ha smugly assumed that she had won the feud. She was dead wrong. When she headed out the next morning to go buy some heroin OopsPoops jumped out from behind a bush and kidnapped Ke$ha. The police kinda half-heartedly searched for Ke$ha for a couple of hours but she seemed to have simply vanished. The police did try to question OopsPoops but she kept ripping out their insides to feast on fresh feces.

Nine months later, during an unforgettable live performance at the Kids Choice Awards, Oopsie decided to premier her new single "Nasty Dreams". During the finale she bent over and squirted Ke$ha out of her body, declared that she was now a mother, and then the curtain fell.

More like Osama Bin Dead-en

Did you get upset that I didn't update 3B at all in April? Did you happen to notice that Osama Bin Laden is dead? Did you suspect that I was somehow involved? The answer to all of these questions is YES. Yes, you did. OF COURSE YOU DID!

I apologize for my extended absence but I was deep undercover in Pakistan and updating Beach Bitch Bimbo might have jeopardized my cover. A lot of what happened is still classified but I've given myself permission to share the basics of how it went down.

Basically, I was bored and watching the news eight years ago when people still cared about Osama Bin Laden existing and I noticed that the way the news people spoke about Bin Laden was very similar to the way people might talk about a super-villain. It was all "evil genius blahblahblah" and "sinister intentions" and whatnot. Typical super-villain stuff. Well that got me thinking. One thing we know about super villains is that they often work together. It just makes sense. Why stress out doing all that terrorizing by yourself when there are probably at least four other people out there just as evil as you are? I headed to the craft store, bought myself some wire and duct tape and fabric dye and VIOLA:



The Perfect Disguise!

 I knew that for sure Bin Laden would LOVE to team up with Loki, the Norse god of mischief. Can you blame him? The horns. The green. The trickery. He's got everything a homicidal religious extremist could ever want. With my costume complete, my next step was a bit more daunting: FIND BIN LADEN AND OFFER HIM THE CHANCE TO TEAM UP.

Picture it: Lynn, Massachusetts. March, 2009. Amy, Gregg, and I realized that Osama Bin Laden was nearby. I knew what I had to do, even if it meant deceiving my two allies. While Gregg and Amy were haggling earring prices I slipped into my Loki disguise and found Mr. Bin Laden buying plastic spoons. I introduced myself as Loki and immediately suggested we team up to rid the world of imperialism or capitalism or whatever it is he doesn't like. Just as I had planned he eagerly accepted my offer. To show that I was serious I pointed out Amy and Gregg and warned him that some sly American infidels had discovered his hiding place in Lynn. I suggested he flee to Plymouth (so that when the time was right I could crush him beneath Plymouth Rock) but something got screwed up in the translation and he heard "Pakistan" so that's where he went.

Over the next few months I had Bin Laden divert all Al Qaeda funds to what I promised him was a machine that could control the weather. And earthquakes. I think at one point I claimed it could make an army of dinosaurs with rabies. In actuality it was a strobe light taped to a broken microwave. We planned to set it off at the Lowell Commuter Rail Station on May 1st. We loaded the device onto a helicopter and prepared to make our trek to Lowell when I told Bin Laden that there was one more ingredient needed to make the machine work. Then I shot him a bunch of times and came back home.

AMERICAN HERO FOREVER.