Albuquerque: the lead we've been waiting for?

NOWHERE IS SAFE! Least of all Albuquerque, New Mexico. My friend Katie (better known as Mrs. Frosty the Snowman or as her semi-erotic stage name "Crystal the Snowwoman") was burgled there a few months back and I've got shocking new evidence connecting that crime to the rash of burglaries the InvestiGATOR, Nancy Grace, and I have been looking into these past couple of weeks.

Let's make the connection: The crime wave started in Albuquerque, followed by Hollywood, followed by Malden Massachusetts. Notice anything? A. H. M.? H.A.M.! Ham! Ham is involved...but HOW?

I'm in the lab running some tests. I'll be back later with more information.

Tune into Nancy Grace tonight at 8:00 and 10:00 p.m. for up to the minute coverage including an exclusive interview with the InvestiGATOR.

ALSO: During the investigation, in order to preserve impartiality, Toadette has been removed as the weekend host of the Nancy Grace show. She's being replaced with Amy Greenhouse for the time being.

I Spy With My 8 Eyes...

The InvestiGATOR and I have been up all night patrolling the streets and following leads and I'm proud to say that we've made some serious progress towards discovering the cad or cads responsible for the recent rash of burglaries targeting celebrities in the Hollywood/Malden areas.

I know I can trust you so I'm going to let you all in on the current suspects. I have yet to make any arrests so PLEASE do not let these people know that I'm going through their garbage.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SUSPECTS (so far) ARE:

TOADETTE

This rigged bitch has been a thorn in my side for years. Let's face it: She's a criminal. She doesn't have a record, but that's only because she's never been caught. What's her motivation for the crime? I'm glad you asked. Toadette has been trying to "break into" Hollywood for quite some time. In 2006 she starred alongside Michale Ian Black, Michael J. Fox, and Michael Moore in the colossal failure "3 Mikes and a Baby" (She played the FUCKING BABY). The universally hated film, coupled with tales of her on-set tantrums, effectively killed her career. Rumors of wild parties and involvement in human trafficking filled the tabloids for months. Nowadays she hosts the Nancy Grace show on Sunday nights but remains forever jealous of young Hollywood. You can tell by the way she dresses that she's broke. I know from dealing with her that she's lazy. So what better way for her to kill 2 birds with one stone? She has her vengeance on the celebrities she's so obviously jealous of while simultaneously gaining a lot of new things to sell on the street (most likely for drugs).

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Oh, I'm sorry celebrities, did you forget about 9/11? Really? Even after I warned you repeatedly? And now you want MY help? Well lucky for y'all I love America. As you all know, a few months back International Pop Superstar Amy Greenhouse, Gregg, and I went on a hunt for Bin Laden after spotting him in Lynn, Massachusetts (which is not too far from Malden, by the way). As much as it shames me to admit it, he got away. It wasn't too long after he narrowly escaped our clutches that these burglaries began to happen. What do we know about Osama Bin Laden? 1. He hates America. 2. He will do whatever it takes to fuck with us. 3. He's in the United States. Knowing these statements to all be 100% true, can we really rule him out? I think not.

THE HELLIONS

Little known fact: I used to be on this team. No, seriously. Eventually I got frustrated with Emma and hit the road but it was fun while it lasted. It's a good thing I got out when I did, though, cuz shortly afterwards they all got murdered up by a time-traveling psychopath. True story. I know yr wondering how they can rob Laura Williams, Megan Fox, et al. if they're dead. WELL HERE'S THE THING: They were recently resurrected. Of course they were. A lot has changed since they died and they're most likely pissed that there's a new crop of famous faces running around. They wanna know what happened to Claire Danes and Mayim Bialik. I really hope it's them because I'm preeeetty sure I can reason with them. Maybe convince them to give up crime and join the X-Men. I think I might just do that anyway.

THE BLOB-THING FROM CREEPSHOW 2

Oh I really really really hope that this thing isn't a part of the burglaries, but a slime trail found at every one of the crime scenes seems to implicate some involvement. This creature is a highly corrosive toxic sludge that envelopes it's victims (and maybe their property?) and consumes them. Everyone remembers during the 2008 presidential campaign when the gelatinous monstrosity first gained national attention by claiming that the "Liberal Media" had gone out of its way to launch attacks against Sarah Palin. Even after the election it appeared as a frequent commentator on Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor, continuously insisting that "those Hollywood pigs" had rigged the election. Maybe the creature decided to take it's rage to the next level...


Okay so that's what me and GATOR have so far. We will be monitoring all of these losers as we attempt to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned, I have a feeling things are just starting to get interesting...

Villains!

If you watch TMZ then yr already familiar with the heartbreaking story I have for you today. For those of you out of the loop, my good friend Laura who runs Squints Magazine's blog is the most recent victim of a series of burglaries plaguing the Hollywood elite. Other victim's have included Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Megan Fox, and Brian Austin Green. Currently there are four suspects in custody, but evidence suggests that the perpetrator is most likely still at large.

You know that over here at 3B we take crime very seriously. For that reason, I have decided to do what I do best and stop this villain (or villains) before they can strike again. I know better than to go at this alone, so I've taken in a sidekick for this mission. I'd like you all to meet my completely platonic partner in crime solving: The InvestiGATOR

Stay tuned everyone! I'll be updating as new developments...um...develop.

WWLLD?

I had some time off from my 50 jobs this past week and within six minutes I was so bored I was gonna SCREAM. So I started playing a game. I would think up little scenarios from my life like "That time I got cut in line at Dollar Bills" and "That time I outsmarted Cassandra Nova" BUT I'd ask myself "What would Lydia Lunch have done in that situation?"

I know you know me so I know you know that I know Lydia Lunch is NOT the best role model out there. She's the THIRD best role model after Dazzler and Ms. Jalopy Honeyfeathers. UNFORTUNATELY that didn't stop me from spending my entire vacation going through every decision I have ever made and asking "WWLLD?" Well, 168 hours later I can tell you exactly what she'd do because she only has two reactions.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Fly off into a rage.
2. WRITE 19 PAGES OF GRAPHIC SEXVIOLENCE IN ALL CAPS

In some ways I'm sad that I have more than 2 reactions to things, but in other ways I'm in a rage about it...so I guess a little bit of Lydia has rubbed off on me. Next time I have a vacation I'm going to actually try and HAVE those reactions, so consider this my warning/apology as my having a rage disorder might effect how you feel about me.