Plebeians is Right. YUCK!

So my dear friend Laura, who you may know from such stirring Lifetime movies as "Mother May I" and "Starting Over: The Laurie Metcalf Story", decided to write a scathing piece over at Squints, her online blog website, regarding my bitter hatred of Burning Man. I have decided to respond to her post because a.) I am completely correct all the time in everything I say and b.) OH NO SHE DIDN'T.

Here's something to think about: Burning Man is absolutely the worst. I would hope that the average 3B reader would see that last sentence and immediately respond with "Well OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!" but apparently I think more highly of you all than you deserve. Here's some reasons why Burning Man is atrocious. If you don't agree I'm sorry but you are mentally ill.

• feathers
• sand
• nudity
• drums
• vague musings on "freedom" and (gag) "spirituality"
• transcendence
• rocks
• the pathetic yearnings of the rich and aspiring rich
• hive mind individuality
• fire
• effigies
• cars
• sex
• drugs
• the horrifying idea that anything can be art
• dancing
• fur (fake or real, it's all a damn shame)

Let me put it in a way that really drives home my point. If someone said that I either had to go to Burning Man or Gathering of the Juggalos, and keep in mind that suicide is not an option, I wouldn't need even a second to make up my mind. Hand me some face paint and some big pants and send in the fucking clowns.

Just Checking In

Heavens to Betsy it's been quite a while since I've posted. I apologize, dear readers, from the bottom of my heart. I got a new job and haven't really had the time or consistent internet access to update 3B. I know how hurt you must be but please bear with me because I've got shocking news that is as good as it is potentially insanity-inducing.

My roommate, Amy Greenhouse, got herself a new cat. His name is Dalek and while he's certainly a precious angel-baby sent from Heaven to cure us both of this crushing loneliness we call life I feel compelled to inform you that he is not as precious angel-baby-ish as Mileena. I mean, he's certainly a delight to have around but he's not exactly what I'd label "Calendar Material". I'm hoping that he's willing to learn to play the bass because Fancy Beast is still on hiatus since Puff Puff went to jail.

In other news, how was yr Halloween? Did you dress up? I fucking hope so. I have zero tolerance for people who begrudge me the opportunity to enjoy a good costume. Did you go as something sexy? If yr a woman (or woman-identified) I know there's a lot of pressure to show people various secondary sex characteristics on Halloween. I don't blame you if you caved under the pressure, but I truly hope you at least thought outside of the box (so to speak). Anything can be sexy with the right amount of effort.

No, wait, that's not true at all. I can think of several things that can't/shouldn't be sexy. I'm tempted to put them here in list form but c'mon people, I'm 27 years old. I think at this point in my social development I know better than to list various horrible things that shouldn't be sexy. Use yr own damn imagination. The internet is forever and I've got a career to think about.

Another Day in Everett

I have a long commute to work. Normally it isn't so bad. I have time to listen to music, plan my work day, and re-read World War Z for the 61st time. Today, though...well, today was different.

I live in Everett. It's, y'know, not AS bad as yr probably thinking if you know anything about Eastern Massachusetts. I mean, yeah I've had to wait in line at the convenience store for 15 minutes while some guy in dirty sweatpants bought $150 worth of scratch tickets and then started scratching them at the counter. And of course there was that one time I saw a full grown adult man hit a woman in the face because her car was blocking the crosswalk. Oh! And my downstairs neighbors got robbed in the middle of the day by a guy who used his bike as a getaway vehicle (yeah, he got arrested). But I like to think of Everett as my own personal Gotham City. How can I be a successful hero without a cesspool of crime to keep me occupied?

But then this happened.

I was on the bus because, hey kid, I'm a commuta. I didn't realize that school had started and so there were between six and seven hundred raggedy people on the bus with me. UGH. There was also so much fucking traffic that my normally 15-minute bus ride became an hour long ordeal. As terrible as this all was, I felt like I was managing my rage levels quite nicely. That is until I looked up and saw A GIANT FUCKING MOTH fluttering savagely around the bus. So obviously I fainted but the bus ride was so long that when I woke up we had barely moved six feet and that vile moth was still there. Watching. Waiting.

I thought about moving but the damn bus was so crowded that there was nowhere to go. I thought about murdering it but 1. Its friends would seek me out and exact their terrible revenge and 2. In order to kill it I'd have to get close to it which was just not going to happen.

With my options and time running out I did what any sane person would do. I told the old lady across from me that it had been crawling on her even though it hadn't. She looked up and saw the creature and smashed it with her BARE HAND. That either makes her the bravest or stupidest person I have ever encountered. I feel a little bad knowing that as I type this the deceased moth's brethren are no doubt plotting this woman's demise but she was really old and probably lived a good life...so there's that.

Toadette Found in Everett

Listen up people I've got some BREAKING NEWS: Toadette has been rescued!

Here's what happened. Matthew and I were on the porch smoking cigarettes. As we started back into my apartment I thought I heard a thumping noise followed by the muffled sound of "Help!" coming from the apartment below mine. The neighbors had moved out a few weeks ago and to the best of my knowledge nobody new had taken their place yet. Matthew and I cautiously entered the apartment, following the noise we had heard.

We followed the sound to a closet and what did we find inside...

Toadette Discovered

That's right, WE FOUND TOADETTE!

She was being held in a small cage-like thing, guarded by a Boo. Matthew was reunited with his friend but the story wasn't yet over...

Reunited at Last

When the culprit returned to the apartment, they must have seen the FBI outside because they fled. Later that day, while working with a search party to comb over the Everett area in search of the villain, Matthew and I entered Woodlawn cemetery on a hunch. That was were we found PuffPuff who, as it turns out, was NOT at a New England Tractor Trailer Training School orientation. That little bimbette was hiding out. Toadette positively identified her as the one who'd kidnapped her. She was promptly arrested and is being held at whatever lady-jail criminals from Everett wind up at (Cambridge maybe?)

CASE CLOSED!

ALSO

Did y'all catch me on Nancy Grace last night talking about Toadette's disappearance?

Toadette is Still Missing

I've been working tirelessly to find Toadette which should earn me a fucking medal because I'd throw a blue shell right at her if I had half a chance. BUT I'm a hero first and a hatemonger second so I'm learning to put my biases aside for the sake of saving the day.

I've been illegally detaining suspects in my secret lair in order to interrogate and intimidate any possible culprits. Since the villain's identity is obscured beyond all hope via that nefarious mask he or she is wearing the only real lead I've got to go on are the initials "P.P." written on the ransom note.

My prime suspects currently include:

Princess Peach
The Lost Skeleton of Pablo Picasso
Pete and Pete
Parker Posey
Oops PooPs
Pepper Potts
Peter Pan
the People of Providence, RI
Penny Pingleton
Peter Parker
Paul Povich (Maury Povich's son that I just made up)

It has been implied that perhaps PuffPuff was involved but Mileena has assured me that the reason she hasn't been around lately is because she's at an orientation for The New England Tractor Trailer Training School (NETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTS), so it seems highly unlikely that she'd be the culprit.

Oh, and since I'm being honest you might wanna throw "Richard Mulcahy" onto that list since my long and well-documented history of threatened and actual violence against Toadette, as well as my continued involvement in investigating her disappearance does seem to implicate me at least a little.

True Crime!

As you all know, I fucking HATE that little bitch Toadette. HOWEVER she is one of my bf's best friends so I tolerate her presence for the most part. Usually we just don't hang out at the same time and that's that.

Today that all changes. I came home from work last night and found the following flyer shoved under my door. "Don't call the cops" was written on the back in blood. Click on the picture for the full version.

As you can imagine, this is a trying time for all of us. I'll keep you updated as details emerge.

see ya there

Haters Gonna Hate

I'm a bit bored and feel like nerding out so it is without shame that I now present to you my Top 50 X-Men. I ranked characters using sophisticated future technology that you have no chance of understanding. Here we go:



1. Dazzler







2. Psylocke





3. Angel/Archangel

 



4. Jean Grey

 



5. Rogue





6. Storm



7. Banshee



8. Jubilee





9. Marrow





10. Emma Frost

 



11. Husk





12. Northstar



13. Cypher



14. Magik





15. Magma

 



16. Blindfold

 



17. Danielle Moonstar

 



18. Karma

 



19. Cannonball

 



20. Blink

 



21. Gambit






22. X-23



23. Wolverine



24. Feral





25. Cecilia Reyes





26. Penance/Hollow



27. Chamber



28. Monet St.Croix/M





29. Stepford Cuckoos/Three-In-One





30. Magneto





31. Rachel Grey/Rachel Summers/Phoenix

 



32. Cyclops





33. Rictor



34. Professor Xavier



35. No Girl/Martha Johansson



36. Jamie Madrox/Multiple Man



37. Dust



38. Mercury



39. Anole



40. Elixir



41. Beak





42. Revanche





43. Frenzy





44. Bling!





45. Pixie



46. Beast



47. Armor



48. Wolfsbane



49. Fantomex



50. Polaris