Good Role Models! Yes!

A lot of people listen to "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston and think that line that goes "I believe the children are our future" is some kind of grandiose No Child Left Behind bullshit but I KNOW THE TRUTH. It's a warning.

Almost everyone would agree that it's important for young people (especially tweens) to have good role models. I'm going to take this concept a step further and add that it's important for young people to have good role models that are chosen from this list of "good role models" that I'm providing. Basically, in order for children to redeem themselves and make my opposite-of-rage cup runneth over they really gotta get with the program and start emulating people that I find inspirational, influential, and/or entertaining. Who are kids even into nowadays? The Jonas Brothers? No. That is the epitome of unacceptable. How will those nobodies teach the children of today to teach the children of tomorrow to make sure I'm not being sexually assaulted in a nursing home when I'm 94? They can't and they wont. It's okay though, because I've whipped up a list of people that are actually worth looking up to so kids don't grow up to have kids that are criminals and sexually assault elderly versions of people who are in their twenties now.

So here's a list of appropriate role models. Don't worry about faxing it to every elementary, middle, and high school in the United States...I did that this morning. You may or may not notice that the entire list is women (with one notable exception). This is not an accident.

• Dazzler
• Lydia Lunch
• Harriet Winslow (It goes without saying that I'm talking about the REAL Harriet, not that wannabe from the last season)
• Amy Greenhouse
• Scary Spice
• Richard Joseph Mulcahy jr.
• Grace Jones
• Courtney Love
• She-Ra
• Princess Daisy
• She-Hulk (bonus points because she's a super hero AND a lawyer)
• Agent 355
• Becky Buckwild
• Dolly Parton (she's good role model for full grown adults as well)
• Opposite Day Ann Coulter (aka bell hooks)
• Marie Curie (periodic table reference! +10 points!)
• Orlan
• Elmyra Duff
• Soo Catwoman
• The Statue of Liberty
• Queen of the Dust Mites

If I have to explain who Jean Grey is YR PART OF THE PROBLEM

Everyone take out yr monthly planners. Good. Now throw them in the garbage because yr gonna need A LOT of free time in the next couple of weeks in order to pick out an appropriate outfit for the riot I'm throwing in Boston because that shitbag city wont recognize March 28th as "Jean Grey Remembrance Day". Those worthless bureaucrats down at city hall rejected my proposal before I even had a chance to make a case for "Grey Day" (as it will be popularly known)! They were like "Sir, blahblah the x-men aren't real blahblah let go of my arm blahblahBLAHBLAH". This is unforgivable. They acted like I was the one being outlandish! Let's reflect on some of the "holidays" these assholes pimp out annually:


Flag Day: This is a joke, right? It's not! Nobody even knows what month this happens in. And also, WHO CELEBRATES THIS? Even if you wanted to, HOW could you? I feel like yr either the type of person who is into flags or yr not and I'm sorry but most people certainly ARE NOT. Some places don't even have flags, and how do you think they feel being forced to maybe notice this day printed on their calendar? I'm sure it's bad.


Columbus Day: NO FUCKING WAY. NOOOOO FUUUCCCKKIIINNGGG WAAAYYY does this awful little murderer get his own day while the fucking PHOENIX goes unrecognized. We should just rename this "USA LOVES RAPE DAY" because GUESS WHAT AMERICA to imply that he "discovered" the Americas implies that at some point they were lost. Look around you. Did Boston suddenly become Atlantis? No, of course not. ALSO celebrating Columbus Day is basically celebrating terrorism because Columbus showing up is like the Native American 9/11.


Labor Day: Women have been giving birth for LITERALLY decades. There's absolutely nothing special or extraordinary about it and an entire day spent celebrating what I'm told is the excruciating and relentless pain of women is flat out MISOGYNY.


Easter: Why would you celebrate a day that ONLY exists to further the Christian Zombie Agenda? Have you seen Dawn of the Dead (the real one OR the remake)? Zombies are bad news and I'm certainly not paying attention to a bunch of cult members that glorify drinking blood/eating flesh and things returning from the grave. This is even grosser than Columbus Day.

Do what you will with the information I've provided...as long as "what you will" means writing yr local Congressperson and explaining that Jean Grey Remembrance Day NEEDS to be an officially sanctioned state holiday or you are going to join me in a riot at Downtown Crossing.


Thank You for yr time.

data is now among my interests

Everyone who counts takes scientists seriously and I WANT IN. I feel like people wouldn't question my outrageous claims if it was common knowledge that I worked in a lab, like "oh, you can trust Richie...he's a scientist, you know." The problem of course is that I went to school for social work and even though I know lots of facts about hedgehogs, magma, multiple realities that occasionally overlap, and even outer space, the stupid little world trivializes my interpretation of these facts because HERE'S THE THING: I don't work in the same system as the "scientists" who use charts and graphs and statistics. To quote Bikini Kill "there's more than one way of knowing". There's only 24 hours in the day and I can't spend my entire life on the scientific method. Also, again because of the only 24 hours in a day thing, I can't spend every minute of forever going to school just so I can prove something that I already know is true. I don't want the education of a scientist, I just want the authority that goes along with it AND OF COURSE I'VE GOT A PLAN.

I know this isn't the most brilliant thing I've ever come up with (that would be the SnugWow) BUT I think in this scenario simplicity will be the key to my victory.

STEP ONE: Find an assistant. It's well known that all important people have assistants and scientists are no exception. I think Amy Greenhouse might be perfect for this. The role of the assistant is basically to nod and validate everything I say. For example, when I claim that lung cancer was invented in 1986 to scare people out of smoking cigarettes, Amy would nod and with a serious look on her face add that the study that proved that was done in Chicago. Also, we will frequently mention that if something is ever to happen to me it is Amy's dream to continue my research.

STEP TWO: Buy a white lab coat and wear it at all times. My assistant should also have one and also wear it at all times.

STEP THREE: Find new and innovative ways to bring up the periodic table of elements in conversation. I'll have to make sure that when it's brought up I include all the contributions I've made to it, like discovering Ephemerium and Fodon. Make sure to always carry around a clipboard and check things off. It would be wise for my assistant to do the same.

STEP FOUR: Over explain everything, no matter how basic. Something like hand washing should take a minimum of twenty minutes to explain. If someone tries to give a quick definition of anything I'll make sure to say something like "Actually..." or "That's a very basic definition. What I think you mean to say is..." and then go on and on and on about whatever. It's worth mentioning that I don't for a second think that I have to actually know what I'm talking about. We all know nobody will be paying attention, so I can basically say anything.

STEP FIVE: Argue with everything. Easy enough.

STEP SIX: Make vague references to research I'm either currently working on or have been involved with in the past. Although most non-jesus people have a lot of respect for scientists, there aren't that many famous ones. It would be SO EASY to take credit for a study that I had nothing to do with OR BETTER YET a study that doesn't even exist. I might claim the plot of that movie "The Fly" is based on a true story and that it involved my renegade first assistant who had no respect for the scientific method.

STEP SEVEN: Pretend to remember what the scientific method is and be overly critical of things that don't follow whatever my concept of it is.


NOW LISTEN UP I don't usually like relying on stereotypes, but I'm going to make an exception because in the end everyone will benefit from my elevated status. For those of you reading this, feel free to join in. Anyone can be a scientist.

Have I mentioned that I'm an American Hero?

With all my asteroid battling and secular gay fascisting somewhere along the line I did the unthinkable: I FORGOT ABOUT 9/11. In a way, we all did.

Now look, I don't have or need a spider-sense but something within me was tingling on Sunday and I KNEW that Osama bin Laden was nearby. I dusted off my size 4X Eagle with a single tear superimposed over a picture of the twin towers t-shirt from Wal-Mart, notified Gregg and Greenhouse that terrorism was happening, and the three of us jumped into the Greenmobile and headed out toward the north shore...an obvious choice for a secret terrorist hideout. We followed an anonymous lead we received through our "Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?" 24-hour tipline to the flea market in Lynn. We talked to a merchant who, as it turned out, had just moments before sold a ski mask and TLC's "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" on cassingle to a man fitting bin Laden's description. We were in the right place at the right time...but then Greenhouse spotted these giant gold earrings and spent half an hour haggling with the merchant. She wound up getting the earrings for a dollar (awesome) but Osama bin Laden must have spotted us because by the time we made it to the outside part of the flea market where they sell designer knock-offs and bootleg DVDs dubbed in German he was nowhere to be found. Having lost the element of surprise, we all agreed that we'd have to act quickly if we were to stop bin Laden before he orchestrated the crashing of other planes into something or someone else. The world trade center was one thing but now bin Laden was threatening Massachusetts, and NO FUCKING WAY was I letting all my secular gay victories go to waste because that guy doesn't like Israel or whatever. We needed a plan...and FAST!

Gregg, Greenhouse, and I all lived in Salem for a while and all at once figured out what Osama bin Laden must be doing on the north shore: He was going to use magic to destroy America. Duh.
This revelation led to an obvious followup question: Where would bin Laden get the magic needed to destroy an entire country? The answer was simple: Salem's Sorcerer Supreme: The guy with the amulet who works at the Burger King in the cafeteria at Salem State College. As usual, it was up to us to save the world, so after checking out the weird knick-knacks at the flea market we rushed into action.

Having lived in Salem, I remembered a park where a decommissioned tank was parked near the power plant. We knew that we'd need it for the final battle and headed to the park to steal it. When we got there there was some awful family playing on it so we waited in the car like creeps until they left. Sneaking up to the tank, we were attacked by a small blue hippopotamus. It tried to eat us but we outsmarted it with choreography and blew it up with the tank. We FINALLY made our way to Burger King in the tank and warned Amulet that bin Laden was on his way. I also ordered a Whopper with cheese. Greenhouse got hers without onions. Gregg doesn't eat meat so he just got some fries. Amulet thanked us for our purchases and warning and then fled to an alternate dimension to lay low for a while.

Although we weren't able to actually capture bin Laden, at least we stopped him from stealing a magical amulet. It was a close call though. And let that be a lesson to all you absentminded and Alzheimer's afflicted people out there: If you forget 9/11, even for a fraction of a second, Osama bin Laden will use magic to destroy America.

It was really no big deal...

Let me just start off with a special message to all the people of Earth: YR WELCOME.

While you were all sleeping, possibly dreaming of a brighter tomorrow, I was busy SAVING THE PLANET from a terrible asteroid. Whether or not the asteroid was purposely thrown at our planet by some unseen evil is still being debated but Nancy Grace seems pretty sure it was part of a "secret invasion" by an alien species most likely obsessed with killing humans so they can use our planet as their new home because they destroyed their own planet with pollution and/or war. I'll admit that as I was using my various superpowers to knock the asteroid off course and save you and everything you hold dear I had a strange feeling...almost as if there was some outside force watching...and waiting...

In other news the War on Yogurt I started recently has gotten me into a bit of legal trouble, but I can assure you I WILL NOT BACK DOWN! In case you don't watch the news, I was arrested in Foodmaster for setting up a fake free sample stand with those Crush Cups and etc. etc. none of the hostages were harmed (physically) so I really don't see what the big deal is. I spent my fucking DAY OFF saving Earth from an asteroid, I think I'm qualified to judge the level of evil in a crushable cup of yogurt.

Yogurt is the Marilyn Manson of the Supermarket Community

It's like yogurt is TRYING to be shocking. FIRST some villain invents those squeezable tubes of yogurt because, y'know eating yogurt was just TOO time consuming and spoons are for old married white couples who don't know how to rollerblade. Oh but now it's 2009 and squirting yogurt down yr throat is just not EXTREME enough. Kids today are all about sexting and ipods and they need a yogurt that they can relate to. That's why the devil teamed up with Danimals to unleash Crush Cups upon us.

Guess what Crush Cups are. Give Up? It's a cup of yogurt that you squeeze. THEN, when the yogurt starts oozing over the top of the cup, you (and it's no accident that they choose such a vulgar word) "slurp" it with your mouth. I am real-life overwhelmed right now because I honestly don't know where to start picking apart the 875,000,000 things wrong with this. If I focus too much on this topic it will kill me, so I'll just try to get my major points across.

Okay, first of all you don't SLURP or DRINK yogurt. You eat it. I know a lot of scientists will want to dispute that statement. They'll start their sentences with "Well technically..." but listen up Dorko, there's two things you gotta consider: 1. There is no excuse for using the word "slurp" outside of the porn industry. 2. Like many Americans, when I eat I usually chew my food into a paste-like substance not dissimilar to yogurt. Just because it's liquid-like by the time it's actually sliding down my throat doesn't mean I drank it. You don't drink hamburgers and you sure as shit don't drink yogurt.

ALSO, although I would NEVER consider consuming any of these radical yogurt offshoots, I do enjoy the occasional yogurt when served the old fashioned way, and wanna know something? You know those tiny ultra thin plastic cups that yogurt has been sold in since forever? An anorexic baby could crush them and "slurp" the overflow, so what is new or innovative about the Crush Cups? IN A WAY all yogurt is sold in crush cups, but most rational people who aren't two years old would respond to the idea of crush-sucking their yogurt with something along the lines of "That's disgusting" or "Why not just use a spoon?"

HEY DANIMALS I have a fucking idea: INJECTABLE YOGURT. YO DAWG Shoot this shit up, it's good for yr bowels. Holla.