There's a Square for that.

Thanks a fucking ton to a supermarket tabloid called "The Sun" for ruining my entire existence and shattering my perception of all that is. In a way it's not really the Sun's fault. It was an ad inside the Sun that really murdered me.

OH I'M SORRY, have you not heard about the power of the SQUARES?

Don't feel bad, neither had I. Now look, one day I will be a master of all technology and learn how to use the scanner we have at work so I can actually prove to you that this is a real thing, but for the time being yr just going to have to bear with me and believe that I am NOT making this up.

The squares, according to the ad, are...actually it never really explains completely what the squares are. I mean they're squares...they have divine powers of some sort that apparently don't conflict with ANY religious denominations...I assume they're pretty small because yr supposed to carry them around with you in order for them to have the desired effect.

And lets talk a bit about what the squares can do. Do you have arthritis? diabetes? Just carry a square around. They'll go away. There's a square to help you climb a mountain and a square to help you lose weight. You'd think that'd be enough, but wait...there's more.

There's a square to make you rich (of course), there's a square to make someone fall in love with you (kinda rape-ish), there's even a square to make you invisible (awesome). BUT BEWARE! Not all squares are good. There are sinister squares you can use to cause others harm as well, like the square that gives a curse and the square that makes two women turn against each other.

Then there are my favorite squares. The one that makes yr guardian angel appear before you AND THE ONE THAT FORCES YR GUARDIAN ANGEL TO DO YR BIDDING. That's right people, the squares allow you to enslave angels, and not a single known religion can do shit about it.

All the details aren't in yet but my birthday is February 28th and I promise to spare you the wrath of my enslaved guardian angel if you buy me these fucking fucking fucking squares.

There are around 140 squares total, and I gotta catch 'em all. I have a theory that combining different squares will have even more powerful results. Like if I combine the diabetes cure square with the invisibility square I'll be able to make diabetes completely disappear. I hate to think what would happen if the squares fell into the wrong hands, but there's probably a square to turn evildoers into a sparrow or something so I'm not too stressed about it.