The Real Housewives of All You Can Eat Island

I'm working with Bravo on show for their "Real Housewives of..." series. The idea came to me while on post-flood vacation on All You Can Eat Island. I noticed that several of the housewives around the area seemed rich and prostitution whore-ish so I approached them. They said YES! Expect updates soon.

Hydro-Man? Are you serious?

While I was away in Broxton, Oklahoma doing you know what to try and make the world a better place, it appears that my secret lair was attacked by a large amount of water. The majority of my possessions are now destroyed and I am basically homeless. I'm also very angry. Storm had better be posessed by the Shadow King or I'm flipping a fucking table over.

My Back Hurts

Why do I carry so much garbage with me everywhere I go? Am I THAT frightened of boredom? Of course the answer is yes.

If you were a villain and you managed to steal my backpack I would like to let you know exactly what treasures you'd escape with: My laptop and the various cords and wires from which it draws its strength, Nintendo Power Magazine (March 2010 issue with pokemon on the cover), XBox Magazine (March 2010 issue with some white military guy on the cover), my checkbook (even though it's the future for some reason I still carry it around with me), 2 bottles of welbutrin OR SHOULD I SAY budeprion sr because of course i roll with generics, Purple ipod nano or whatever it's called, giant slightly irregular neon pink headphones, Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos featuring H.P. Lovecraft and other people who aren't quite as good as H.P. Lovecraft but I still appreciate them, Black Nintendo DS with a sticker of a yellow radio on it, Pokemon Platinum in the regular slot, and Pokemon Ruby in the GBA slot (gotta catch 'em all), a sketchbook that for the record only has doodles of M.O.D.O.K., Cthulhu, violent rants that don't make a lot of sense, lyrics of soft-rock hits changed to be offensive (for example Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love": FUCK ME NOW...OPEN MY THIGHS...AND CREAM AWAY It must have been love but it's over now from the moment we fucked til the time had run out), and a My Little Pony that I turned into a zombie because something must've happened to me in my childhood. Hmmmmm....well I'm not done. My backpack also contains 2 planners (i can't bring myself to throw away my 2009 one in case I need to know what I was doing on April 5th or whenever), 38 pieces of Walgreens brand "Coated Nicotine Gum" in mint flavor, Jersey Shore Season One (Uncensored!) DVD, My work notebook, some other notebook, a sharpie, 2 pens, an unsharpened pencil, Clear Eyes redness relief, coconut chapstick i got from my dentist for some reason, medicated berry chapstick i probably got at Walgreen's in 2007 and still use, a bill i have no intention on paying, ipod charger, a comb, a couple buttons JUST IN CASE, a Metro from Tuesday February 23rd, last week's Phoenix, The Cthulhu Mythos Encyclopedia, Old Spice Classic Deodorant, Axe Hair Gel (Fuck you I have a lot of shame around buying one of their products but it works really well on my cowlicks and I can justify pretty much anything I do so JUDGE ME AT YR OWN PERIL), my cell phone charger, a yellow notebook full of information on oppression, privilege, domestic abuse, and black and white pictures of hyenas I printed off the internet, cheat codes for a game that I don't own but feel like someone probably got me for my birthday and I wanna be prepared, a craft magazine, Ms. Marvel #49, Ms. Marvel #50, move lists for Street Fighter IV, and last but not least this weird "Magic Towel" that is currently in a tiny package but when you add water it supposedly becomes a 12" square (I remain skeptical).

Okay, I think that's everything. I'm not a hoarder, by the way.

Research

I'm currently collecting information on the following. What I do with the information is unclear at this time.

Pitcairn Island
Psychometry
Project Chanology
Precognition
Postcognition
Destiny (Irene Adler)
Hestia/Vesta
Trimurrti
How to get a show on public access television/choosing what kind of show to do
Heimdall
Innsmouth/Arkham/Dunwich/Kingsport
Cypher (Douglas Ramsey)
Angela Davis
Lydia Lunch
Deep Dish Pizza
Leslie Hall
Grace Jones
Hastur (The Unspeakable One, Him Who is Not to be Named)
Synch (Everett Thomas)
Nandi Bear/Chimisit
Cthulhu
How to cook tofu
Borderline Personality Disorder
Herostratus and the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
Orthorexia
Animism
Mileena
Inedia (Breatharianism)
Cosmic Indifference
Amphitrite
M.O.D.O.K. and A.I.M.
She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters)
Xenu
Corned Beef Hash
Y'ha-nthelei
Alexithymia

I already know quite a bit about a few things on my list (I'm lookin at you, She-Hulk), but there's always more to learn.

Twitter Feuds: Goro

I'm in a huff and I want to be very clear that it's for all the right reasons. Before I say anything, just look at this trashbag:

I know, right! THIS is what I'm dealing with.

So I tweeted: "I wish they allowed gay people (besides Sonya) to compete in Mortal Kombat. I know I'd win."

I know a lot of people have issues with the fact that I want to force my depraved lifestyle on the world via school lunches laced with a homo-organic virus that I used government funding to make BUT I'm sure even Ann Coulter would agree that not allowing gay people, like myself, who worked long and hard (scream laugh) perfecting AWESOME fatalities involving intestines is OUTRAGEOUS! And you can fuck directly off with that "don't ask, don't tell" garbage because I'm a tell all kinda guy with very little self control, and while discrimination based on sexual orientation may be allowed in Mortal Kombat, Sindel is living dead proof that discrimination based on mental illness is certainly not okay. Having said that, you can imagine my shock and horror when I looked at my phone and saw the following message sent to me from Goro: "I agree wit malia u r 2 GAY 4 MK!!1!!"


So I took a hot bubble bath with scented candles and listened to some Magic 106.7 to try and calm down but of course that didn't work and within minutes I tub-tweeted "NICE PONYTAIL. MORE LIKE WHORE-O"

I was very proud of myself for the whore-o thing (I debated "snore-o" "bore-o" and "clogged pore-o") and set my phone down, turned Hall and Oates up, and relaxed into the warm bubbles WHEN SUDDENLY my phone beeped. Guess who it was. IT WAS FUCKING GORO.


He wrote: "Im guna kill u..2nite!"


Of course I wasn't even slightly nervous. I tweeted back "Fuck you ugly. You don't even have a fatality." I hit send and got out of the tub, assuming that the feud was over and I won. Well APPARENTLY Goro decided to take that shit to the next level. If you can believe it, that monstrosity did the unthinkable. He used that wicked rigged move from the first Mortal Kombat where he drops outta the ceiling and that motherfucker started jumping on me! I was horrified but fully prepared. I tore off my towel and used it to trip him. Well once he saw me in all my naked glory it seems that he no longer felt quite the same about gay people. One thing led to another annnd let's just say I finished him. flawless victory. in the butt.

And BY THE WAY, no I'm still not allowed to compete in Mortal Kombat! Bullshit.

Trust Women

Fortunately for us all today is the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade AND it's also Blog for Choice Day. I was up late last night celebrating Errol Barrow Day and Our Lady of Altagracia...um...Day so I was worried that I wouldn't be able to bring my A game and Blog for Choice properly but then I remembered that the theme was "Trust Women" and as usual my exhaustion was replaced with a million good ideas.

As a non-woman supporter of women and, among other things, their right to choose I want to go on record as saying that women deserve totalitarian control of the planet. I'm not even slightly joking. It boggles my out of control imagination that 37 years after the decision was made we are STILL debating abortion.

I trust women because I know women. I love women. I want to help women and I understand that sometimes the best way to trust women is to shut the fuck up and listen to them. So listen up non-women: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO WOMEN. Don't make me throw you into the Sun. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Actually, no. From now on I'm leaving all the sun-throwing to Ms. Marvel...that is if she CHOOSES to oblige.

Grace Jones' Words of Wisdom

Postcognition is a direct result of aging but of course it's bollshit to assume psychometry to be the lesser of two weevils.


(haters)