Beach Blanket Bimbette

i was having an erotic dream

God Hates Wires

I wanted to pop in and tell you all about ChristWire.org. Now I know that some have called me anti-Christian just because I time-travel arranged the brutal murder of yr savior BUT HERE'S THE THING: He forgave me! (how could he resist this face?) and sine yr all in the business of doing aaaannnnything that zombie-with-a-heart-of-gold tells you to DESPITE the fact that he called me boring one time AND is openly disrespectful towards his mother (who is awesome, by the way) YOU have to forgive me too. Having said that, most of my interactions with people heavily afflicted with Christian beliefs can best be described as thinly veiled annoyance but I HAVE CHANGED MY WAYS thanks to the psychotic people at ChristWire. As teenagers in 2001* would say: Here's the 411: ChristWire.org is a fountain of infinite wonders, which is kiiinda blasphemous because, y'know, a website should not be more powerful than the god it's trying to trick you into liking but what're ya gonna do? So far it has taught me that Betty White hates the stereotypical grandmother that I never had BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY she has an army of homosexuals to do her bidding. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE? Fear not, because I have enlisted and am awaiting my uniform. Is it bad that I hope my first assignment involves attacking the Westboro Baptist Church? Hahahaha, no, just kidding, of course that isn't bad. I also learned that cats cause psychological disorders and carry cruel dander...which admittedly I already admired about them but it was good to see that there's real science backing up what might otherwise be misinterpreted as an outrageous claim AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE OUTRAGEOUS CLAIMS. Hmmm...what else, what else....Chinese people are apparently scary. I mean, not as scary and destructive as white people, but still scary. Listen, just head over there and read it all for yourself. I guarantee you wont be sorry.



*not a space odyssey

My Memo Pad

I bought a little memo pad at the wannabe 711 over on Rantoul Street in Beverly, Massachusetts (01915) and despite the fact that the ugly man behind the counter tried to charge me $1 for it when it only cost 89 cents I have to say it was among the best purchases I made today. I decided that it was in the planet's best interest that I have a pen and paper within brilliance distance of me at all times in order to ensure that not a single drop of brain-wonder that I squirt out be unnecessarily lost. In case you haven't noticed I'm in the business of making the stupid little world a better place for everyone that agrees with me and unfortunately there have been times when a utopia-inducing idea has slipped away because I have a bad memory for reasons that I am unwilling to go into here but that do not involve early onset Alzheimer's. So far I have written the following in my memo pad:

CALLING IT: Magma is probably going to be killed off. Nightcrawler too. That's the trick.

Need: Table Lamp(s) (or are they called desk lamps? whatever), something to hold the DVDs

Look up that parallel dimension business from the internet

Shelter Operation Coordinator

Okay, so from the outside it may not make very much sense, and before you even go there NO it is NOT written in code (but that is a good idea and I just added it to the memo pad). I just can't go into too much detail in case I forget it on the commuta rail and some cad tries to get rich offa MY ideas.