God Hates Wires

I wanted to pop in and tell you all about ChristWire.org. Now I know that some have called me anti-Christian just because I time-travel arranged the brutal murder of yr savior BUT HERE'S THE THING: He forgave me! (how could he resist this face?) and sine yr all in the business of doing aaaannnnything that zombie-with-a-heart-of-gold tells you to DESPITE the fact that he called me boring one time AND is openly disrespectful towards his mother (who is awesome, by the way) YOU have to forgive me too. Having said that, most of my interactions with people heavily afflicted with Christian beliefs can best be described as thinly veiled annoyance but I HAVE CHANGED MY WAYS thanks to the psychotic people at ChristWire. As teenagers in 2001* would say: Here's the 411: ChristWire.org is a fountain of infinite wonders, which is kiiinda blasphemous because, y'know, a website should not be more powerful than the god it's trying to trick you into liking but what're ya gonna do? So far it has taught me that Betty White hates the stereotypical grandmother that I never had BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY she has an army of homosexuals to do her bidding. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE? Fear not, because I have enlisted and am awaiting my uniform. Is it bad that I hope my first assignment involves attacking the Westboro Baptist Church? Hahahaha, no, just kidding, of course that isn't bad. I also learned that cats cause psychological disorders and carry cruel dander...which admittedly I already admired about them but it was good to see that there's real science backing up what might otherwise be misinterpreted as an outrageous claim AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE OUTRAGEOUS CLAIMS. Hmmm...what else, what else....Chinese people are apparently scary. I mean, not as scary and destructive as white people, but still scary. Listen, just head over there and read it all for yourself. I guarantee you wont be sorry.



*not a space odyssey