Twitter Feuds: Goro

I'm in a huff and I want to be very clear that it's for all the right reasons. Before I say anything, just look at this trashbag:

I know, right! THIS is what I'm dealing with.

So I tweeted: "I wish they allowed gay people (besides Sonya) to compete in Mortal Kombat. I know I'd win."

I know a lot of people have issues with the fact that I want to force my depraved lifestyle on the world via school lunches laced with a homo-organic virus that I used government funding to make BUT I'm sure even Ann Coulter would agree that not allowing gay people, like myself, who worked long and hard (scream laugh) perfecting AWESOME fatalities involving intestines is OUTRAGEOUS! And you can fuck directly off with that "don't ask, don't tell" garbage because I'm a tell all kinda guy with very little self control, and while discrimination based on sexual orientation may be allowed in Mortal Kombat, Sindel is living dead proof that discrimination based on mental illness is certainly not okay. Having said that, you can imagine my shock and horror when I looked at my phone and saw the following message sent to me from Goro: "I agree wit malia u r 2 GAY 4 MK!!1!!"


So I took a hot bubble bath with scented candles and listened to some Magic 106.7 to try and calm down but of course that didn't work and within minutes I tub-tweeted "NICE PONYTAIL. MORE LIKE WHORE-O"

I was very proud of myself for the whore-o thing (I debated "snore-o" "bore-o" and "clogged pore-o") and set my phone down, turned Hall and Oates up, and relaxed into the warm bubbles WHEN SUDDENLY my phone beeped. Guess who it was. IT WAS FUCKING GORO.


He wrote: "Im guna kill u..2nite!"


Of course I wasn't even slightly nervous. I tweeted back "Fuck you ugly. You don't even have a fatality." I hit send and got out of the tub, assuming that the feud was over and I won. Well APPARENTLY Goro decided to take that shit to the next level. If you can believe it, that monstrosity did the unthinkable. He used that wicked rigged move from the first Mortal Kombat where he drops outta the ceiling and that motherfucker started jumping on me! I was horrified but fully prepared. I tore off my towel and used it to trip him. Well once he saw me in all my naked glory it seems that he no longer felt quite the same about gay people. One thing led to another annnd let's just say I finished him. flawless victory. in the butt.

And BY THE WAY, no I'm still not allowed to compete in Mortal Kombat! Bullshit.

Trust Women

Fortunately for us all today is the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade AND it's also Blog for Choice Day. I was up late last night celebrating Errol Barrow Day and Our Lady of Altagracia...um...Day so I was worried that I wouldn't be able to bring my A game and Blog for Choice properly but then I remembered that the theme was "Trust Women" and as usual my exhaustion was replaced with a million good ideas.

As a non-woman supporter of women and, among other things, their right to choose I want to go on record as saying that women deserve totalitarian control of the planet. I'm not even slightly joking. It boggles my out of control imagination that 37 years after the decision was made we are STILL debating abortion.

I trust women because I know women. I love women. I want to help women and I understand that sometimes the best way to trust women is to shut the fuck up and listen to them. So listen up non-women: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO WOMEN. Don't make me throw you into the Sun. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Actually, no. From now on I'm leaving all the sun-throwing to Ms. Marvel...that is if she CHOOSES to oblige.

Grace Jones' Words of Wisdom

Postcognition is a direct result of aging but of course it's bollshit to assume psychometry to be the lesser of two weevils.


(haters)

Happy New Year! CASE CLOSED

Sorry to have left you all in Beach Bitch Limbo! I know yr anxiously awaiting the thrilling conclusion to the Great Burglary Saga and don't worry citizens, The InvestiGATOR and I have not let you down! We've spent a lot of time in labs pouring different colored chemicals together as well as on computers looking at charts and graphs. We've gone so far as to get a giant map of New York City that we stick little pushpins in to designate that it's a spot on the map! We've also done a bunch of interviews on Nancy Grace.

And it has PAID OFF.

GATOR and I re-evaluated the suspect list and determined that although they are all guilty of assholism, none of them are actually the villain involved in these specific burglaries. Once Katie Ryan-Snowman tipped me off to what was going on in Albuquerque it all started coming together.

Hollywood. Albuquerque. Malden. It all seems so simple now! The perpetrator was sending GATOR and I a very clear message: H.A.M.. It was the most substantive clue we had gotten yet. Once it was established that ham was somehow involved I was able to edit my list of suspects and narrow the search down to 2 people of interest.

Our first stop was to an abandoned McDonalds in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. It serves as the headquarters to known thief and ham(burger) enthusiast The Hamburglar.

Wanted in 41 states for stealing hamburgers and women's underwear, the Hamburglar has been on the run for months. Using the latest technology, The InvestiGATOR and I set up a trap to catch him:And of course we were successful. Once he was in our custody we interrogated him regarding the H.A.M. burglaries. Hours of questioning kept leading to dead ends. The night of the Malden burglary he was caught on camera robbing an airport. When I asked him about the Hollywood burglaries he claimed that he had spent that time in a detox clinic under the name "Spamburglar". It checked out. I was about to turn him in to the local police when he told us that we were looking for our villain in all the wrong places..."To find the monster you seek" he said while gagging on a veggie burger "you may want to start...smaller."

Another clue. We had been on this case for weeks and it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Smaller? What could he mean? Was the Ham connection all wrong? Then it hit me. Over at Squints, Laura had said something that I overlooked during the initial investigation:

I got swine flu last week, and if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face, I came home
very grouchy from work on Monday to find someone had broken into our apartment
and robbed us.

Following my instincts, our next stop was to Sigourney Weaver's house. Now OBVIOUSLY it is well known that Sigourney is a national treasure and I didn't for a second think that she was stooping to common thievery (there's NOTHING common about Sigourney Weaver). However, I was told by a little birdy named Amy Greenhouse that Sigourney had been recently infected with Swine Flu. And where there's swine there's ham! After I explained the penalty for harboring a fugitive in her body Sigourney agreed to allow me and the InvestiGATOR to use Pym Particles to shrink ourselves down to microscopic size and enter her bloodstream so that we could confront the Swine Flu personally.

Sneaking into Sigourney's lungs, we managed to take the flu by surprise just as it finished adding the rings it had stolen from Meghan Fox and Laura's prized antique vase collection to eBay. Caught in the act, the Flu tried it's best to outrun us but GATOR and I were, of course, too much for it to handle. I slapped on the cuffs, exited Sigourney, and returned to normal size. Within ten minutes the Flu was in jail and the case was closed!

ohhhh, but one last thing...in all the excitement during and after the arrest I kiiiind of forgot to bring all the stolen stuff back. So...it's still in Sigourney Weaver's lungs...BUT she's very nice and you can write to her personally and request them back.