The Greenhouse Effect

A Special Sit-Down Interview With Amy Greenhouse

I knew before she entered the door that my interview with Amy Greenhouse would be anything but ordinary. The international pop sensation, just finishing her co-headlining "Sticky&Sweet" world tour with Kelly Spears and promoting her latest Billboard #1 album "World War Me" , is infamous for throwing tantrums during interviews. While promoting her hit 2007 album "Slow Motion Addict", she actually assaulted a reporter from Rolling Stone with a cat because the food they had delivered from a local Indian restaurant was too delicious.



As she entered the room dressed in jeans, chucks, and a smart yellow cardigan, I couldn't help but think that maybe the tabloids had it wrong. Surely this couldn't be the demon described in those other articles. I couldn't understand how the woman sitting across from me with her shy smile and caring eyes could be the same person who hit that Rolling Stone guy in the face with a cat, threw up on Beyonce, interrupted Obama's inauguration by running on stage and screaming "SQUIRT ALERT", and allegedly stole the $175,000 gown she wore while winning 16 Grammy's.



I began the interview by asking Greenhouse what she thought of her "bad girl" image.



"Oh, I don't know why people think that about me. I'm the girl next door, really! I know I've made mistakes in the past, but who hasn't? It's like, yeah, I threw a cat ONCE at ONE GUY and suddenly I have PETA yelling at me and my mom crying on the phone and the paparazzi using grappling hooks to break into my hotel room. What about my feelings? The cat asked to be thrown so I threw it. I wasn't angry. Why would I be?"



I went on to ask if there was any truth behind the rumors that she used a body double for the entire second half of the "Sticky&Sweet" tour. The Sun reported in late December that Greenhouse and Spears were fighting nonstop throughout their North American shows, and stated that Greenhouse walked out after a disastrous show in Dallas. The paper went on to say that due to a contractual obligation, Greenhouse was forced to continue the tour but used a lip-synching body double.



"I've heard the body double stories, and yeah they're true. Kelly and I hate each other, okay? I know the world already knows that so it shouldn't come as a shock. I think we just have different audiences. I try to appeal to the more intellectual crowd, and she just shakes her ass for money. It's vulgar. I couldn't take her disgusting lifestyle anymore so I called my friend Annie Lennox who threw on a wig and finished the tour for me. I don't feel guilty. You have to understand that with Kelly Spears it's not an act...she's like that all the time."

Soon our conversation shifted as Greenhouse discussed her latest album, "World War Me".

"I was never much of an activist, but when I heard about the awful war in Iraq I decided to declare war on war. Millions of people are dying every second in places like Asia. I tried to think of the victims while I wrote and recorded 'World War Me'. On it, I do a cover of my friend Annie's 'Walking on Broken Glass' because I figure that must be what life is like every day for the children in war torn places like Asia. In another song on the album, "Righteous Rebelle" I imagined what it must be like to be a woman and an artist in Iraq, having to keep secret all my hopes and desires"

At this point Greenhouse began to cry. I didn't have any tissue so I offered her a paper towel to dry her eyes. She became belligerent, accusing me of trying to ruin her perfect skin with the "rough edges" of a paper towel. She proceeded to throw a cat at me. She chased me for three blocks threatening to send me killer bees in the mail. Interview Over.

things that should be cartoons

Do you remember that at one point in time there was a Jumanji cartoon? And one for the Mask as well (Jim Carrey Mask, not Cher Mask). And the Addams Family. What the fuck is up with that? No, I'm compiling a list of things there SHOULD be cartoons for. It's not too late.

1. Sister Act: I had to take a little while to really think about this one. For some reason I thought maybe it did exist, but I looked it up and nope, never happened. People in Hollywood are so boring compared to me. How can they not see the potential in a Sister Act cartoon? Can you fucking imagine the songs that could be in it? Crappy Jesus people are too busy protesting abortions to realize that if this cartoon existed everyone would be Christian (specifically Catholic) and they wouldn't even have to stand outside harrassing people. Of course that would mean they'd have to get jobs, and I know the economy is tough right now...they could always join PETA. They have a lot in common (in that they're crazy).

2. Whats Love got to do with it: Don't get me wrong, Angela Bassett was totally dead on with her Tina Turner impression, but I think that it would be a lot more powerful if done as a cartoon. It doesn't HAVE to be an ongoing series, but I wouldn't be opposed to that. I'm thinking maybe an Anime. They could show it in high schools to create awareness around dating violence. I will win an award for this one.

3. Kid Icarus: I'm a big fan of the Super Mario Brothers cartoons. The Sonic the Hedgehog ones were good at times, but I had trouble following them. The reason I'm rooting for a Kid Icarus cartoon is because I can't fucking beat that game, and I'm hoping that there could be an episode based on the last level, so I can see what happens when it's over.

4. Obama vs. Cloverfield: During Obama's inaugeration, I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe Cloverfield would happen during his speech. Granted, it didn't, but you never know. The ocean is dangerous and nothing that lives in or near it is to be trusted. The film could follow Obama leading a group of survivors somewhere. Why waste a trillion dollars on all that CGI bullshit when cartoons exist? I'm pretty sure that Freddy vs. Jason and Alien vs. Predator did pretty good when they were released, so this one actually has potential to be in a movie theater.

Yeah. A million nightmares.

I'm in a terrible feud with lots of people/things/concepts and I thought I'd take this opportunity to explain some of the major ones. I find it offensive to rank hatred, so consider this in no particular order:

Toadette: Also known as "Little Bitch Toadette", this awful monster manages to haunt me in two different realities. In first reality she hosts the Nancy Grace show on Saturday and Sunday. It's not like she's doing anything else. I'm not sure what part of "NANCY GRACE" show she's missing because try as she might, she's just not on Nancy's level. She NEVER cuts people off mid-sentence, she has ZERO twin children, and she CANNOT predict the future. I know that there's no fucking way on earth she's friends with Nancy, so HOW exactly did she get to be the weekend host? All my theories on the matter involve soul selling or Illuminati references that I'm not going to bore you all with. In second reality, she's a rigged fungus/human hybrid that lives in the Mushroom Kingdom (it's one of those former soviet republics nobody can keep track of). I know she's basically Princess Peach's slave so I should have more sympathy for her, but SURPRISE SURPRISE I want to push her on her ass. Don't think for a second that this is the first time I've publicly threatened her, either. If you've ever played Mario Party you'll know where I'm coming from. It's rigged to make her win no matter what. You can (literally) beat EVERY minigame and still, somehow, on the last turn she'll steal 50 stars from you. This really happened. She made me waste 4 hours of my life, and guess what bitchface I WANT THEM BACK.


No Business: No Business is my brother's pet demon that disguises herself as a cat to hide from the Catholic church. She wails in the night (it's part of some demon spell) and hasn't grown since she was 4 months old. A lot of people think it makes her cute and kitten-like, but that's all part of her plan. Have I meantioned yet that she weighs 4 ounces? She is capable of passing through solid objects and has been known to drop through the ceiling and land on my head like some sort of terrible reverse version of when yr so shocked yr hat shoots off yr head, which is kinda ironic because every time it happens I'm so shocked and horrified that if I had a hat on it real life WOULD shoot off.

God: Now this is more of yr traditional rivalry, like in football or rhythmic gymnastics. It's one of those scenarios where we've been feuding for so long, neither of us can even remember WHY we started in the first place. I think it had to do with some homophobic comment she made or something, I don't know. We're more "frenemies" than anything else lately, like Blaire and Jo from the Facts of Life but with more floods and crucifictions. I may or may not have tricked her dumb friend into eating a forbidden apple at some point. UM how the fuck was I supposed to know it was forbidden? It's a fucking apple, lady CHILL OUT. And you'd think we'd be even after what she did to my first apartment in Gomorrah (drunk biitttcchhh) but fuckin NO she's gotta keep ruining my life constantly. I did murder her son, though. I guess that was kinda harsh.

Moths: That's right moths. ALL OF THEM. Before you start to defend them, let me just put this out there: They don't even have faces. SO GROSS.

SnugWow

I know it probably violates several copyright laws but I have an idea for a product that will revolutionize the "As Seen on TV" world if big business can put their personal shit aside and work together for the benefit of the consumer for once.

First, some need to know information:

If you've ever so much as walked by a television I'm sure yr familiar with the Snuggie. It's a blanket with sleeves. I know what yr thinking, "Isn't that just a backwards bathrobe?" The answer is yes, but first of all, what's wrong with bathrobes? and second it's WAY warmer than a bathrobe and I would think it's probably larger than most bathrobes as well.

But the Snuggie isn't the ONLY shit out there on the market. I will literally come to yr house on yr birthday and punch you in the mouth if you've never heard of ShamWow. The ShamWow is an ultra-absorbent fabric created by German alchemists (you know those German alchemists make great stuff) that knows no equal. If you accidentally spill soda or sulfuric acid on yr priceless antique carpet all you have to do is think about the ShamWow and the liquid completely disappears. The ShamWow is unique to the multiverse because unlike you and I and Magneto, who have infinite alternate reality counterparts, there is but ONE reality where ShamWows exist. Since we're lucky enough to actually live in said reality, it is basically a crime to not own AT LEAST one ShamWow.

Okay so we've got the Snuggie, which is great...and we've got the ShamWow, which is the closest to real magic as you'll ever experience in yr mundane little life, so WHAT NOW? Oh, I know, WHAT IF WE FUCKING COMBINE THEM? I'm talking the most EXXXTREME product of all time. I'm talking about SnugWow.

The SnugWow is a warm and luxurious Snuggie on the inside, complete with sleeves and optional glove attachments (for an additional $9.99) and on the outside it's a ShamWow. So if yr relaxing in yr Snug down by the fire, reading a book or whatever and you happen to spill yr wine on yr husband, you'll be able to use the SnugWow to instantly absorb the wine out of his lucky white pants, leaving behind no stain and no divorce.

But the SnugWow is more than just a convenience...it could even save yr life. Picture this: Yr heat gets shut off because yr irresponsible and don't pay yr damn bills on time. It's so cold yr internal organs are freezing. You have a baby, maybe three babies, and their internal organs are also freezing. It gets so fucking cold a pipe freezes and bursts. The room begins filling with ice water. You want to save yr children but yr TRAPPED under a pile of conventional blankets. Under normal circumstances you would die. Yr children would die. But then you remember that dying sucks and is completely unnecessary because OF COURSE YOU OWN A SNUGWOW! Quickly, you throw yr trash blankets on the floor, break the emergency glass and put on yr SnugWow. It's large enough for you AND yr three children (extra sleeves sold seperately) to fit in comfortably. Yr internal organs warmed in seconds, yr able to get to work using the SnugWow ultra-absorbent exterior to absorb all the water in the room, saving not only yrself...but also yr loved ones. That day you learned that there's no such thing as miracles but THAT'S OKAY because when you own a SnugWow yr never truly in danger.