Otherkin

Identity. Ugh.

Roseannanon

Guess what, America? I GOT THE INTERNET AT MY HOUSE. That's fuckin right, now I don't have to update 3B in secret while I'm supposed to be working. I have had so many adventures/great ideas that I have meaning to blog about but keep forgetting to so AT LAST you'll be able to hear about them!

But before I get to the laughs, levity, and good times that you're so accustomed to I need to take a moment to talk to you all about some very serious business. I'm talking about Roseanne Barr.

Right off the bat, I want to be clear: I LOVE ROSEANNE. She's hilarious and crazy which are two of my favorite things a person can be. She is especially wonderful on Twitter, where she retweets somebody named RAW_Vegan a lot and talks endlessly about Monsanto, banks, and the things she would do if/when she's the President.

But here's the thing: Her brand of crazy is not always fun. It's not like Courtney Love or even Amanda Bynes. It's slightly more tempered but often results in her tweeting "Your Mother's a Whore" at people who don't agree with her 100% of the time. I could totally be okay with that under normal circumstances but during a recent Twitter feud Roseanne was having with Lindy West, a blogger for "feminist" site Jezebel, a friend of mine was pulled into the drama and, I'm sad to say, she has suffered the consequences of Roseanne's wrath.

My friend Katie Ryan, who you all may know from one of her many television appearances including her Emmy-nominated role as Cousin Greta from season two of Step by Step, Emma Winter from the short-lived ABC Family series The Garden Blooms, and Comedy Central's Roast of Paul Reiser, was at one point a strong supporter of Roseanne's shenanigans (Roseannagins?). She and I would marvel at Roseanne's insights into such heavy topics as poverty, bio-engineering, government corruption, and what Darlene is up to nowadays. We found inspiration in her strength and courage as we witnessed her standing up to those who would criticize her by accusing them of being rapists and/or pedophiles. Roseanne alone had the strength to come out against the masses and say, loudly and proudly, that George Zimmerman was guilty of murder.

Then, one day, Lindy West came onto the scene. She had appeared on some tv or internet show that I can't remember the name of because it doesn't start with "The Real Housewives of..." to discuss rape jokes. Lindy was basically saying that comedians have a right to tell rape jokes BUT non-horrible people have the right to criticize them for doing so. It seems reasonable to me, but I'm not anywhere near Roseanne's level of social consciousness. What Roseanne got out of Lindy's opinion was: CENSORSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!1! Roseanne took to Twitter (where she lives) to tell Lindy to gtfo.

Roseanne's not into censorship, people. NOT EVER. Unless we're talking about censoring internet comments on Jezebel, in which case she's really into it. It's a difficult logic to follow, but then again, I can't pretend to understand the inner workings of any true genius' brain. Katie, being a fan of both Roseanne and Lindy, was fascinated by the thoughtful dialogue that was going on between Roseanne and Lindy on Twitter. She sent out a tweet saying as much, and what do you think happened?

SHE WAS BLOCKED BY ROSEANNE.

Devastated, Katie called me to see if I could talk any sense into Roseanne. Fearful of meeting a similar fate, I declined to get involved. Katie knew the risks in tweeting anything at Roseanne. Now it was time to deal with the consequences.

But then Katie did some research. As it turns out, being blocked by Roseanne is a startlingly common occurrence. Katie figured out that nearly 1/3 of American Twitter users will be blocked and/or verbally assaulted by Roseanne this year alone. These truly astonishing findings shook Katie to her very core. If this could happen to her, a well-adjusted young actress with a strong dedication to justice, just imagine the impact being blocked by Roseanne could have on, for example, LGBTQ youth, homeless veterans, or any of a number of at-risk groups. It was with those concerns that Katie founded Roseannanon, the country's first and largest blocked-by-Roseanne-on-Twitter support network.

Roseannanon was initially started as a support group for those who have been blocked by Roseanne on Twitter but in the weeks since it was founded it has grown into a national organization with community outreach, advocacy, and a variety of counseling services. It is through Roseannanon that those who have suffered in their inability to read Roseanne's 823 tweets a day have found healing and support from others who have shared similar experiences.

"It's not just about the sense of loss those of us who've been blocked experience." says Katie, "It's about life after Roseanne. It's about finding a way to move forward. It's about healing and hope."

More like ParaWHOREmal Activity

I was doing some reading on one of my favorite subjects, DEMONS, when I stumbled across an article about ZoZo. First of all DON'T SAY ITS NAME OUT LOUD!!!! That might summon it and then yr in for a world of hurt. Well, not so much a world of hurt as a series of loud noises late at night and maybe a scratch. ZoZo, who also goes by ZaZa and some other Z-themed names is the most attention starved demon out there. I'd feel bad for it if it didn't solely exist to inflict terrible pain on humanity.

Based on my research (2 Google searches) I can tell you that ZoZo shows up at 1 in every 2 Ouija Board sessions. Apparently ZoZo ain't got no damn job. Or perhaps its job is harassing Ouija Board users. Can you get paid for that? Where do I apply? Monster.com????? (Get it?)

So when ZoZo shows up trouble isn't far behind. I read a bunch of 100% factually accurate reports from teens who had accidentally come in contact with ZoZo and it seems like this demon is all about harassment. For whatever reason the teens seemed to think that every little thing was some manifestation of terrible evil. Clearly these idiots have never read CROSSED because my idea of torment is significantly different from theirs. They'd see a shadow and feel like their whole world is falling down around them. Teens. Ugh. So dramatic. This isn't to say that ZoZo is all lollipops and rainbows but WANTING to do harm is different from actually CAUSING harm.

I'm going to buy a Ouija Board today and tell ZoZo to start doing my bidding or else I'm reporting him to the Catholic Church. Demons hate hearing boring Catholic babbling almost as much as I do.

My Brain Exploded

I'm writing to you from beyond the grave. As you know, I used to be alive. That changed when I heard a song called "Accidental Racist" by Brad Paisley (ft. LL Cool J). It is the worst thing that has ever happened to music and it LITERALLY MURDERED ME. I'm communicating to you now just like Ghost Writer but the difference is that the only mystery I'm trying to solve is WHO ALLOWED THIS SONG TO HAPPEN??? God is dead. Music is over.

Okay. Well. Okay. Where to start? So a couple of days ago I saw some article on Buzzfeed about Brad Paisley and LL Cool J ending racism but I didn't bother reading it because COME ON. I don't even know who Brad Paisley is.

Then this morning my friend Katie texted me and told me to listen to it. I headed over to youtube and watched it. Now all music is ruined forever. I'm not going to offer a link because I don't want you all to die but here's a conversation I had about it with my roommate/international pop superstar Amy Greenhouse:

me:  ALSO OH MY GOD ACCIDENTAL RACIST FBKLBNFDZKLHNFKLBHNFDL

have you heard it?

 Amy:  omg

omg omg

i was just about to talk to you about it

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brad_paisley/accidental_racist.html

 me:  Katie sent me a text about it and my brain exploded. this is my ghost talking to you

 Amy:  i haven't had the chance to read more than the first two paragraphs

hahaha

katie told me to look it up

richie. it's the worst thing that's ever

don't judge my gold chains and i'll forget the iron chains

 me:  no, i know. it officially ruined all music forever. i'd throw my iphone in the trash if it wasn't also my phone

 Amy:  hahahahaha

omg it's so the worst

i just

i just can't

i can't even

i don't know where to begin!

 me:  the part that's like.."If you don't judge my do-rag/I won't judge your red flag" killed me. it LITERALLY murdered me.

THOSE THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!

 Amy:  I KNOW!

i't's

i just

i can't.

i can't!

 Sent at 12:20 PM on Tuesday

 Amy:  i mean seriously

like....really ll? what the fuck! also brad paisley, stfu!

 me:  i can't

nothing means anything anymore

RIP Robert E. Lee

Demonic Weekend

I've got a trick up my sleeve ya slaggy hags. I'm going to spend the weekend pretending to be possessed by a demon. I haven't decided on what demon exactly...there are so many good choices! Pazuzu is the obvious choice. I loved its work in the Exorcist series.There's...Abalam, is it? The one from The Last Exorcism. Emily Rose had like 6 demons in her and although they had a pretty good resume considering the people they got all up inside of I want to have a name-brand demon. Let's think...there's a demon named Amy. But that seems unfair to Amy Greenhouse. She's already been through so much this year I don't want her to feel picked on. Behemoth is a good one. Leviathan has a snazzy name and good brand recognition. I could shock everyone and go for a Lovecraft creature. Nyarlathotep, Cthulhu, etc. Eh. Maybe.

I think I'm going to go with Marquis Sabnock. Here's some info from Wikipedia:

Sabnock (also spelled Sab Nac, Sabnac, Sabnach, Sabnack, Sabnacke, Salmac and Savnock) is a mighty Great Marquis of Hell, who has 50 legions of demons under his command. He builds high towers, castles and cities, furnishing them with weapons, ammunition, etc., gives good familiars, and can afflict men for several days making their wounds and sores gangrenous or filling them with worms.
Sabnock is depicted as a soldier with armor and weapons, the head of a lion, and riding a pale horse.

Now THAT is a man's demon. Okay, so I'm going to start the trickery around 3 a.m. Saturday. A few knocking sounds here and there. Moving the furniture around in the kitchen and living room. Climbing up into may attic where I'll leave a half burned photograph as me as a child, preferably in my first communion outfit.

Then, to get the community involved, I'll vandalize the church next door to my house. I'll sneak in during mass and hide so after they close I can add a giant dick to their Mary statue and turn the crucifix upside down. Ohhh and replace all the hymnals with Lydia Lunch songs.

During the day on Saturday I'll start making strange phone calls to me friends. I will occasionally threaten them or say things in Latin or German or just whatever slightly language sounding noises I can make on the spot. By the time my roommate, Amy Greenhouse, returns home from work she'll find every appliance in the house turned on, as well as all the faucets. I'll rock back and forth gently under the kitchen table softly singing "I'm On Fire". I'll pretend not to notice her at first but as soon as she reaches out in an attempt to help me I'll bite her hand and scream. like SCREAM. Wicked loud.

 I'll continue acting increasingly strange and use the powers of makeup and deliberate self harm to transform into a grotesque caricature of my former self. I will stick a crucifix up my butt while yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU" After that point, I'm sure we can all agree, I'll need to be tied to the bed.

Sunday morning, in a moment of brief clarity I'll beg for those present to bring in a priest. They'll come on in with their holy water, etc. and I'll laugh and say horrible things to them. Then, just as they're about to start, I'll yell "JUUUUUUSSSSTTTTT KIDDING!!!!!!!!!"

We'll all have a good laugh and that will be that.

Goons and Goblins

The Goons and Goblins who protest outside the Planned Parenthood on Comm Ave are endlessly entertaining. That's because of privilege. I'm a guy and I don't have to deal with the reality of street harassment. I mean, people have been known to yell "Faggot!!!" at me out of moving vehicles but that's really not the same thing. And I'm not just complaining about the Christian Soldiers. There's also the whole "Hey baby SMILE FOR ME" people. And the straight up monsters who say whatever vulgar business pops into their brain. Poor boundaries, poorer filters. I can roll my eyes all I want. They're not coming for me.

The reason I bring this up is because I had a fantastic plan to put "Fist Me" signs on the backs of the protesters while pretending to engage them in Jesus conversations. I thought it was clever. It would be a delightful scene in some kind of sketch comedy scenario but in real life it would be a public display of male privilege that's completely in line with the "HEY GIRL LET ME HOLLA AT YOU" bullshit that already permeates the every day lives of people I care about.

As a hero and role model to millions, I owe the world better than that.

things to look forward to on 3B in 2013

You are so fucking lucky. Really. So incredibly blessed and fortunate to be among the first to read this here post about all the exciting things to look forward to on Beach Bitch Bimbo this year.

I know what yr thinking. It's something like "OH HELLLLL NO! You barely updated 3B at all in 2012!!!!!"

Sadly, this is true but times they are a changin'. I finally bought a damn computer so I will be updating with much more frequency. REJOICE! My brain is overflowing with good ideas and tender musings to both challenge and delight you. Here's a sample of what you can look forward to....

• Sister Act Fan Fiction
• The unveiling of the newest members of my All-Girl Goon Squad
• Probably a bunch of lists
• More Twitter Feuds
• More Jean Grey
• MORE AMERICAN HEROISM
• Something skimpy (for the fellas)
• Something ribbed (for her pleasure)
• 3B:3D hits theaters
• Secular Gay Fascism
• The return of 31 Days of Halloween Costume Suggestions/Demands

Are you excited? That's a stupid fucking question. Of course you are. PEOPLE GET READY