I've got a trick up my sleeve ya slaggy hags. I'm going to spend the weekend pretending to be possessed by a demon. I haven't decided on what demon exactly...there are so many good choices! Pazuzu is the obvious choice. I loved its work in the Exorcist series.There's...Abalam, is it? The one from The Last Exorcism. Emily Rose had like 6 demons in her and although they had a pretty good resume considering the people they got all up inside of I want to have a name-brand demon. Let's think...there's a demon named Amy. But that seems unfair to Amy Greenhouse. She's already been through so much this year I don't want her to feel picked on. Behemoth is a good one. Leviathan has a snazzy name and good brand recognition. I could shock everyone and go for a Lovecraft creature. Nyarlathotep, Cthulhu, etc. Eh. Maybe.
I think I'm going to go with Marquis Sabnock. Here's some info from Wikipedia:
Sabnock (also spelled Sab Nac, Sabnac, Sabnach, Sabnack, Sabnacke, Salmac and Savnock) is a mighty Great Marquis of Hell, who has 50 legions of demons under his command. He builds high towers, castles and cities, furnishing them with weapons, ammunition, etc., gives good familiars, and can afflict men for several days making their wounds and sores gangrenous or filling them with worms.
Sabnock is depicted as a soldier with armor and weapons, the head of a lion, and riding a pale horse.
Now THAT is a man's demon. Okay, so I'm going to start the trickery around 3 a.m. Saturday. A few knocking sounds here and there. Moving the furniture around in the kitchen and living room. Climbing up into may attic where I'll leave a half burned photograph as me as a child, preferably in my first communion outfit.
Then, to get the community involved, I'll vandalize the church next door to my house. I'll sneak in during mass and hide so after they close I can add a giant dick to their Mary statue and turn the crucifix upside down. Ohhh and replace all the hymnals with Lydia Lunch songs.
During the day on Saturday I'll start making strange phone calls to me friends. I will occasionally threaten them or say things in Latin or German or just whatever slightly language sounding noises I can make on the spot. By the time my roommate, Amy Greenhouse, returns home from work she'll find every appliance in the house turned on, as well as all the faucets. I'll rock back and forth gently under the kitchen table softly singing "I'm On Fire". I'll pretend not to notice her at first but as soon as she reaches out in an attempt to help me I'll bite her hand and scream. like SCREAM. Wicked loud.
I'll continue acting increasingly strange and use the powers of makeup and deliberate self harm to transform into a grotesque caricature of my former self. I will stick a crucifix up my butt while yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU" After that point, I'm sure we can all agree, I'll need to be tied to the bed.
Sunday morning, in a moment of brief clarity I'll beg for those present to bring in a priest. They'll come on in with their holy water, etc. and I'll laugh and say horrible things to them. Then, just as they're about to start, I'll yell "JUUUUUUSSSSTTTTT KIDDING!!!!!!!!!"
We'll all have a good laugh and that will be that.
I think I'm going to go with Marquis Sabnock. Here's some info from Wikipedia:
Sabnock (also spelled Sab Nac, Sabnac, Sabnach, Sabnack, Sabnacke, Salmac and Savnock) is a mighty Great Marquis of Hell, who has 50 legions of demons under his command. He builds high towers, castles and cities, furnishing them with weapons, ammunition, etc., gives good familiars, and can afflict men for several days making their wounds and sores gangrenous or filling them with worms.
Sabnock is depicted as a soldier with armor and weapons, the head of a lion, and riding a pale horse.
Now THAT is a man's demon. Okay, so I'm going to start the trickery around 3 a.m. Saturday. A few knocking sounds here and there. Moving the furniture around in the kitchen and living room. Climbing up into may attic where I'll leave a half burned photograph as me as a child, preferably in my first communion outfit.
Then, to get the community involved, I'll vandalize the church next door to my house. I'll sneak in during mass and hide so after they close I can add a giant dick to their Mary statue and turn the crucifix upside down. Ohhh and replace all the hymnals with Lydia Lunch songs.
During the day on Saturday I'll start making strange phone calls to me friends. I will occasionally threaten them or say things in Latin or German or just whatever slightly language sounding noises I can make on the spot. By the time my roommate, Amy Greenhouse, returns home from work she'll find every appliance in the house turned on, as well as all the faucets. I'll rock back and forth gently under the kitchen table softly singing "I'm On Fire". I'll pretend not to notice her at first but as soon as she reaches out in an attempt to help me I'll bite her hand and scream. like SCREAM. Wicked loud.
I'll continue acting increasingly strange and use the powers of makeup and deliberate self harm to transform into a grotesque caricature of my former self. I will stick a crucifix up my butt while yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU" After that point, I'm sure we can all agree, I'll need to be tied to the bed.
Sunday morning, in a moment of brief clarity I'll beg for those present to bring in a priest. They'll come on in with their holy water, etc. and I'll laugh and say horrible things to them. Then, just as they're about to start, I'll yell "JUUUUUUSSSSTTTTT KIDDING!!!!!!!!!"
We'll all have a good laugh and that will be that.
