My Back Hurts

Why do I carry so much garbage with me everywhere I go? Am I THAT frightened of boredom? Of course the answer is yes.

If you were a villain and you managed to steal my backpack I would like to let you know exactly what treasures you'd escape with: My laptop and the various cords and wires from which it draws its strength, Nintendo Power Magazine (March 2010 issue with pokemon on the cover), XBox Magazine (March 2010 issue with some white military guy on the cover), my checkbook (even though it's the future for some reason I still carry it around with me), 2 bottles of welbutrin OR SHOULD I SAY budeprion sr because of course i roll with generics, Purple ipod nano or whatever it's called, giant slightly irregular neon pink headphones, Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos featuring H.P. Lovecraft and other people who aren't quite as good as H.P. Lovecraft but I still appreciate them, Black Nintendo DS with a sticker of a yellow radio on it, Pokemon Platinum in the regular slot, and Pokemon Ruby in the GBA slot (gotta catch 'em all), a sketchbook that for the record only has doodles of M.O.D.O.K., Cthulhu, violent rants that don't make a lot of sense, lyrics of soft-rock hits changed to be offensive (for example Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love": FUCK ME NOW...OPEN MY THIGHS...AND CREAM AWAY It must have been love but it's over now from the moment we fucked til the time had run out), and a My Little Pony that I turned into a zombie because something must've happened to me in my childhood. Hmmmmm....well I'm not done. My backpack also contains 2 planners (i can't bring myself to throw away my 2009 one in case I need to know what I was doing on April 5th or whenever), 38 pieces of Walgreens brand "Coated Nicotine Gum" in mint flavor, Jersey Shore Season One (Uncensored!) DVD, My work notebook, some other notebook, a sharpie, 2 pens, an unsharpened pencil, Clear Eyes redness relief, coconut chapstick i got from my dentist for some reason, medicated berry chapstick i probably got at Walgreen's in 2007 and still use, a bill i have no intention on paying, ipod charger, a comb, a couple buttons JUST IN CASE, a Metro from Tuesday February 23rd, last week's Phoenix, The Cthulhu Mythos Encyclopedia, Old Spice Classic Deodorant, Axe Hair Gel (Fuck you I have a lot of shame around buying one of their products but it works really well on my cowlicks and I can justify pretty much anything I do so JUDGE ME AT YR OWN PERIL), my cell phone charger, a yellow notebook full of information on oppression, privilege, domestic abuse, and black and white pictures of hyenas I printed off the internet, cheat codes for a game that I don't own but feel like someone probably got me for my birthday and I wanna be prepared, a craft magazine, Ms. Marvel #49, Ms. Marvel #50, move lists for Street Fighter IV, and last but not least this weird "Magic Towel" that is currently in a tiny package but when you add water it supposedly becomes a 12" square (I remain skeptical).

Okay, I think that's everything. I'm not a hoarder, by the way.

Research

I'm currently collecting information on the following. What I do with the information is unclear at this time.

Pitcairn Island
Psychometry
Project Chanology
Precognition
Postcognition
Destiny (Irene Adler)
Hestia/Vesta
Trimurrti
How to get a show on public access television/choosing what kind of show to do
Heimdall
Innsmouth/Arkham/Dunwich/Kingsport
Cypher (Douglas Ramsey)
Angela Davis
Lydia Lunch
Deep Dish Pizza
Leslie Hall
Grace Jones
Hastur (The Unspeakable One, Him Who is Not to be Named)
Synch (Everett Thomas)
Nandi Bear/Chimisit
Cthulhu
How to cook tofu
Borderline Personality Disorder
Herostratus and the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
Orthorexia
Animism
Mileena
Inedia (Breatharianism)
Cosmic Indifference
Amphitrite
M.O.D.O.K. and A.I.M.
She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters)
Xenu
Corned Beef Hash
Y'ha-nthelei
Alexithymia

I already know quite a bit about a few things on my list (I'm lookin at you, She-Hulk), but there's always more to learn.